Every now and then you read about those people who just want to be ordinary. We don't want to be chosen by anything and we think that if we keep our hopes simple and easy that that can be who we are. I myself am one of those who wanted to be ordinary, but who has long since realized I may not be. What makes me so special? Nothing much really. I always thought it was a certain bit of honor, wanting to do the right thing, a person out of time and in a way that still is me, but something that makes me extraordinary is chaos.
A lot of people hear about it and think it's some definable, dark energy that causes nothing but destruction, but I've come to believe chaos is only dangerous when you try to control it. Chaos isn't meant to be controlled nor can it be. Perhaps I sound like a crazy person when I say I'm beginning to think or maybe realize that I am a chaotic being. Perhaps it is the storms, I can feel pushing at my fingertips even through a TV, or maybe it's the crazy desire to laugh when things go completely out of control.
In either case, that isn't how I came to the conclusion that I may be a chaotic being. You see, for years, my love life has consisted of people describing me in one of two ways. Either hero worship, I love you, when I only want to help them with their lives, or absolute and complete indifference. There has never been an in between. I didn't realize that I had been searching my whole life for an in betweener, until I stumbled upon him.
For years, I could never understand why it was that everyone around me seemed chained. Not in a literal sense, but in a metaphorical sense. Every time I wanted chaos, they could never embrace it or feel the wildness of its ways. I would want to HIGH and they were low. I wanted varying speeds, but they always seemed on the fast track to nowhere. As I encountered more of what I considered my kind, I always felt extremely off in their presence. It was like looking for an exact copy of yourself and finding people who were close, but missing one crucial piece. For years, I got closer and closer to another chaotic being, but there was always something holding everyone back.
To me it felt like watching a chained dog and being a wild wolf. I would run and they would follow, only to be snapped back. Even if I managed to get the leash off of them and pushed for them to be free, it seemed that they just couldn't do it. They couldn't give their lives over to chaos. A lot of people described me as wild, untamed, elusive. Like I was some wild animal, as if I had a choice. All I knew was that I wanted to be free. I wanted to be free to follow the chaos, which at the time I had always associated with nature.
For years, I wandered alone, knowing that no one else felt the way I did. They didn't feel the pull of chaos, they didn't hear it rushing through their souls. I was alone. Then one day, I met another chaotic being, though it took me until now, yes, now, to figure it out. I had been in denial that I was anything more than ordinary. But he was extraordinary and so like me, I got goosebumps. It was like finding another wild wolf, free to run and jump and play. I found someone who was free.
Only the problem was this being didn't act free. They acted like they were trapped. I couldn't compute this. If chaos is a part of you, and wants you to harness, why not do it? Yes there are a lot of draw backs, but there is also a wild triumph when you're perfectly in sync with chaos. I wanted this other being to join me in the chaos. To embrace it. It took a really really really long time. Like four years, but slowly, I could see chaos returning to him. I was soon able to throw anything at him and he could roll with it unlike anyone I had ever met.
I was free with him, because we both were chaos. If I wanted to go HIGH, he might have laughed at me, but there was also a 50/50 chance he would go HIGH too. I wanted to put him in my pocket and keep him forever. I wanted to embrace chaos as only two beings who felt it could. There was no limit to what we could do together. Which I suppose in hindsight is what I wanted more than anything. I wanted to set him free. Only, chaos had ruled my life from day one. There is no escaping chaos for me. I was born a chaotic being with chaos holding me in its lap. Heck I cause chaos by accident, if I don't embrace it.
Unfortunately, chaos didn't appear to have treated the other being so well. He was once bitten, twice shy. There was a point, when I thought he would dare to step out of the chaos free bubble he'd created around himself, but one bad choice sent him right back into the bubble and he vanished. It was like seeing the moon every night for six years and suddenly it was gone. All you saw were stars, beings in a black void forever untouchable by you. It hurt like no other experience I had ever known and the only person I wanted to tell the hurt to was the one who caused it.
I regret losing that chaotic being to the metaphorical chains. There was such promise waiting at his fingertips, but he couldn't trust in the chaos again. Although I understand it, I feel like I'll never find another chaotic being again. I've met one or two, but they were already chained. Trapped. Unable to escape a world of their own creation. I've tried to ignore being a chaotic being, but it is the air I breathe. I need the unpredictability of that energy. I need to feel as if when something is good, it will be fantastic and when something is bad, it opens up the ground beneath you. Perhaps that's a slightly scary view, even to me, for chaos is not all revealing. I just have heard a lot of people say that chaos follows me everywhere and I feel chaos everywhere. I feel it in life, destruction, pain, happiness, triumph and defeat.
I will remain unchained and untamed, maybe forever. A lone chaotic being scouring the universe. Maybe I'll find another, or maybe not, but I will always remember the one I had the fortune of knowing even for just a short while. He had once asked me, why was I afraid to lose him and the answer is because there is no one else like me. It's lonely out here in the void, with no one to really understand the turmoil that no one else can see. When I met him, I felt freed, like there was no more need to pretend and if I didn't have him, I would go back to being a shadow of myself again. Picking and choosing which side of me to show, but unable to hide the chaos. However, just knowing someone else was affected by that chaos, made me feel less like a freak. I wanted embracing the chaos to mean something, not just for me, but for both of us. That he felt that unique connection as deeply and thoroughly as I did. That if I were to leave that maybe his world would be just a little dimmer too, because no one would understand the chaos within him. The need to embrace it and wield it as it so desperately wants from us.
But in the end, I felt like the chaos I couldn't help embrace was what bound us together and set us apart. He wanted to be chained and I didn't. I can't stomach the thought of being chained, of being unable to enjoy life to its fullest, both good and bad. I couldn't imagine not chasing freedom, or building it, or creating it. I didn't know everything and I didn't want to know, I didn't want more control, I wanted less and being with him, let me lose more control. I started to believe in and trust the chaos that had made me feel so isolated and without him, I didn't know how to bear it alone. In the end, it is what forced me to bear it alone. I was restraining him from getting away from chaos by our mutual experience with it, but different approaches to dealing with it.
I wanted him to join me and I felt like he wanted to join me too, but I feared that his reluctance would rip him away from me. Which it did, A free chaotic being cannot stay with a chained one. It's anathema to my very existence. The five months he was gone, every minor interaction, was as if the chaos didn't exist anymore. There was no way to reach him and eventually it felt like there wasn't a point to try. My love of freedom was the very thing he couldn't embrace anymore. Freedom meant pain, both for himself and those he tried to love. He would never be able to join me and that saddened me so much. There was anger involved, I am human, but in the end it was disappointment that had me walk away.
I miss my chaotic being yes, and hope he is well. The chaos calls to me and soon I'll be joining it again, after this stint of recovery. Some days I hope he sees these messages to the universe I send out, that maybe chaos will bring us back to the same circles, but I really really doubt it. Perhaps it was always meant to turn out this way and the inevitability of it all made me fuel it's take over all the sooner. Are there other chaotic beings out there? Yes. He and I don't hold the monopoly on it, but It's really going to suck searching for another one again. What if it takes another 23 years to find them? I don't know if I can hold out hope that long lol. But alas as inevitable as the receding of the tides, chaos will lead me somewhere in it's dark embrace and I will go hoping one day, something will lead me to be free.
