I officially can't wait for spring break. I feel like I'm slogging through this semester and it's only been a month! Then again, being the super wolf that I am, I chose to not return home after the semester in Scotland. I knew I had traveled far and wide before, but I need to touch base in Washington. If tickets were cheap, I'd go home over spring break. I miss my cat, my mom, my state and my room. I miss being surrounded by my stuff. I mean having my own room is nice and living in my own apartment with a roommate is awesome. Especially as I like my roommate. However, I've lost too many things already and I need a comfort hug just to remember it's all okay. I don't get to play anymore, even if it's online and silly it was something. Now I'm super serious about my degree, work, my agency project and taking on more responsibility than I'm not sure if I can handle.
Then there's the email...I emailed. Gave in, went back and wrote some asinine email asking for forgiveness and friendship back. However, I think it's too late. So far no reply, no yay nor nay. Then again it's only been like a week, but my brain thinks maybe just really did go full offline. In which case, it will be Alex all over again and just have to slowly but surely move on and try not to fall into the same pattern of distrust again.
Then there's this weird need to try dating thing going on. It's bugging the life out of me, because it's an idea that won't quit. Which don't get me wrong I'm all for trying, but honestly I do not know where or how. I successfully stuck myself in the least dateable environment I could find, then add in my inexperience, coupled with my inability to drop my personal shields and I'm not even chasing my tail. I'm looking at it contemplating if I should get up off my rump and chase it. I may just be a failure at living life lol. I can't keep great friendships without ruining them with obsession, I can't get a date, I overestimate my abilities. Welcome to life.
Another thing that frustrates me though is all the people asking me how does it feel to be independent. I'm like you know I've always been independent. I've been an independent type of person since I was little. I made choices that only an independent person could make. Just because one lives on their own doesn't make them independent and just because one lives with their mom doesn't make them dependent. I'd been learning how to live on my own since early 2000's when I got left in charge of a condominium to pay the bills and rent on time. My sister and brother didn't even have that chance until much much later. I made my own dinners, lunches and took care of myself then. I lived in TLP housing which helped me learn my way around independently for a year. I moved to florida, got a job and promoted and nearly into University There by myself. I fly all over North America to different cities, again by myself. I went to Scotland, overseas for the first time by myself. I ran into a crisis there and solved it, with the grace of god, but nonetheless it was done independently. So I feel like I've always felt being independent, because I wasn't dependent! If I wasn't too busy to argue and if I knew it wouldn't cause a shit storm a mile wide, then I'd correct the people who think my going to Scotland was suddenly their idea. It's like um yeah no it wasn't. College wasn't their ideas either. I fully intend to go back home, and live in Washington State and get a job there and have my mom in my life and possibly living with me or over for a lot of visits, cause that's what I want. I don't care about the futures they'd pick out for me.
Lastly, I feel like I'm living two lives. I feel like I'm still supposed to be able to walk down the street in Scotland, and catch the bus there, and do my own thing in Scotland, but I'm not there. There was a scottish/irish combination dance at IDF(International Dance Festival) this year. They were surprisingly good. I totally cheered loudly, but I need a break.
I need a break to sleep for one, and not stress. I would like a break in Boston. I love Boston but I haven't been able to visit as much as I'd like. Maybe a lovely hotel or motel for a few days. Go visit Boston Gardens and Aquarium, and eat dinner in Boston. Hmm maybe I should look up dates in Boston. Doesn't necessarily have to be a Maine living person. lol.
I'm tired, I don't know. I go sleepies. Sayoonara and Oyasumi nasai
Friday, 21 February 2014
Wednesday, 5 February 2014
Not well
Ugh, my head hurts. My neck also hurts, so I'm fairly sure I'm going to catch a cold soon. Not the flu, I don't have all the symptoms, but some sort of thing with a cough, mucus and stuffy nose and head. I hope it will pass quickly, but it's nice to have a heads up. However, My head really really hurts right now. Whenever I feel sick and low, I feel the need to cuddle or curl up into a ball. It's absolutely terribly pathetic, but generally I just want someone to pet me and keep me warm until I'm able to bounce back. Usually I get mom cuddles and get to be her little cub, but in college it's more or less isolation until you're better. I want to lie down, watch movies and sleep and wish I could take some days out of school for it, but I dare not do that. Today was a snow day and if my procrastinating hadn't gotten so severe lately I'd be okay with a movie, soup and rest kind of day. However I got three chapters to read tomorrow and One lab chapter due and one pre lab due by 11am. It's now midnight. I'm so doomed. I wish I could really blame it on something, but it's really just that I don't feel like doing my homework. I have it all in my head, and some of these classes I don't see the point in them. I know in college they try to get you to think for yourself, but if it's not actually of interest to me and is just a mandatory prerequisite class I'd rather just have them tell me what to do or at least what I'm looking for. I hate microscopes and biology, because I never know what I'm supposed to be looking for. Other people are happy to be hands on, but I'd rather have something to look for and then when I find it, backtrack information of why is it like that, when did it form, how will this affect it and what will happen to the cell afterwards. However with my lab it's we have to find something to look at, pray it's actually something worth looking at and label an illustration when we have no clue what we're looking at. It's all very frustrating and my brain has suffered my decision.
I'm a social person, not always the right kind of social, but I'm sociable. I need positive people interaction and connections to feel motivated to do anything. I feel motivated in my social work classes, because they help us to be properly social and to work with each other as a future career field. We all have something in common, wanting to help others better themselves or to find a way to help themselves through resources and have a voice. Unfortunately you can't have a degree without prereq's of science and math and it's like I don't get science or math. My interest flags and suddenly my grades are falling. I may have to make an appointment with my old advisor/friend faith. Maybe she can help me find my motivation to do a good job. It may also be I took on too much responsibility this semester. I chose to do an 8 hour work day, which basically takes away one day out of the week for studying, I decided to accept my leadership positions and then I'm in charge of my research topic for my science class since my group mates are like whatever you choose we're with you. There was a girl who stole my idea for herself without really asking and left me with a subject that doesn't have much research, so now I'll have to find a new biology topic by tomorrow and I'm like I don't know. Everything I'm interested in is a social science, not biology XD
Then I am happy being me. I created the environment, personage and whatever I want, but I want my soultwin back. I miss him a lot. I decided to email him and find some way to renew our friendship (Mostly by a compromise of just doing as we are), but then I remember he doesn't want to be online and when I sit to write the email, the feeling goes completely away, so I lose my muse to write a good strong hopefully short email and end up staring at a blank message until I have to do something else in my own life. I waffle back and forth, and mostly I keep it to myself. I'm not sure if it's just me anymore. I used to follow my instincts until I learned in some areas or when it comes to guys, they lie to me or I misinterpret what my instincts are saying. Lately, I've learned to spot the signs ahead of time. Such as had a guy who was super nice to me and very friendly and wanting to add me on facebook with quick acceptance, but he's married with a son. So it's like occasionally my signals get crossed and I mistake his kindness for interest, but it's blessedly getting less and less, so now I successfully am making guy friends without getting unhealthily attached and feeling more like a functioning member of society, instead of a quiet menace. I just hate it cost me one of my most favorite friendships to figure out I can do this whole don't speak to each other for months thing. In fact that's always the way it's been is that I learn to be a functioning member of society after I lose my close friendships. I found out that Alex only wanted to be friends and I was comfy with that the last day of school and never got to say goodbye to him. Then I scared him off, so there's no going back. Then wolf I got overly attached to as well and when he had to move and didn't come back, I thought he'd just walked away without telling me. So I severed the bond from him and funnily enough I don't really miss him. He helped me be aware that my wolf side is affectionate and there is a way to show it, but I didn't particularly want him, as I was still obsessing over Alex at the time and Wolf always made sure to let me know that I would only be a sex partner, never a girlfriend partner in his polyamorous relationships. It was sort of like if you want sex okay, I won't stop you, and not so much desire on his part. Then there's Z and our friendship. I'm only learning that I form unhealthy attachments to guys and need to back off sometimes only after I let him go.
Some days I imagine he'd feel as relieved as I would if I emailed him again, but then that asinine voice in my head goes why? I was close to him, but I honestly gave him nothing but grief due to my own insecurities. I fixed those now, with some duct tape, so it may hold longer, but I ask myself can I guarantee not to become angsty again, will I really be all right if we go back to being friends and don't talk, what will be in it for him to say yes to my continued friendship? He blames himself for so much and I don't want him to think it's his fault for anything. I just need socialization more and I just didn't know it. So it wasn't exactly his fault that he was being a normal online friend. I tend to want something the way I want it, when I want it and when I don't get it, I pout, whine, kick and cause a ruckus until I scare everyone aware or I alienate those closest to me. I don't know all this thinking is making my already aching head hurt worse, so I suppose I'll find out the answer, and get better and something else later on. Right now I need sleep and I'll figure out the homework tomorrow. Ciao for now.
I'm a social person, not always the right kind of social, but I'm sociable. I need positive people interaction and connections to feel motivated to do anything. I feel motivated in my social work classes, because they help us to be properly social and to work with each other as a future career field. We all have something in common, wanting to help others better themselves or to find a way to help themselves through resources and have a voice. Unfortunately you can't have a degree without prereq's of science and math and it's like I don't get science or math. My interest flags and suddenly my grades are falling. I may have to make an appointment with my old advisor/friend faith. Maybe she can help me find my motivation to do a good job. It may also be I took on too much responsibility this semester. I chose to do an 8 hour work day, which basically takes away one day out of the week for studying, I decided to accept my leadership positions and then I'm in charge of my research topic for my science class since my group mates are like whatever you choose we're with you. There was a girl who stole my idea for herself without really asking and left me with a subject that doesn't have much research, so now I'll have to find a new biology topic by tomorrow and I'm like I don't know. Everything I'm interested in is a social science, not biology XD
Then I am happy being me. I created the environment, personage and whatever I want, but I want my soultwin back. I miss him a lot. I decided to email him and find some way to renew our friendship (Mostly by a compromise of just doing as we are), but then I remember he doesn't want to be online and when I sit to write the email, the feeling goes completely away, so I lose my muse to write a good strong hopefully short email and end up staring at a blank message until I have to do something else in my own life. I waffle back and forth, and mostly I keep it to myself. I'm not sure if it's just me anymore. I used to follow my instincts until I learned in some areas or when it comes to guys, they lie to me or I misinterpret what my instincts are saying. Lately, I've learned to spot the signs ahead of time. Such as had a guy who was super nice to me and very friendly and wanting to add me on facebook with quick acceptance, but he's married with a son. So it's like occasionally my signals get crossed and I mistake his kindness for interest, but it's blessedly getting less and less, so now I successfully am making guy friends without getting unhealthily attached and feeling more like a functioning member of society, instead of a quiet menace. I just hate it cost me one of my most favorite friendships to figure out I can do this whole don't speak to each other for months thing. In fact that's always the way it's been is that I learn to be a functioning member of society after I lose my close friendships. I found out that Alex only wanted to be friends and I was comfy with that the last day of school and never got to say goodbye to him. Then I scared him off, so there's no going back. Then wolf I got overly attached to as well and when he had to move and didn't come back, I thought he'd just walked away without telling me. So I severed the bond from him and funnily enough I don't really miss him. He helped me be aware that my wolf side is affectionate and there is a way to show it, but I didn't particularly want him, as I was still obsessing over Alex at the time and Wolf always made sure to let me know that I would only be a sex partner, never a girlfriend partner in his polyamorous relationships. It was sort of like if you want sex okay, I won't stop you, and not so much desire on his part. Then there's Z and our friendship. I'm only learning that I form unhealthy attachments to guys and need to back off sometimes only after I let him go.
Some days I imagine he'd feel as relieved as I would if I emailed him again, but then that asinine voice in my head goes why? I was close to him, but I honestly gave him nothing but grief due to my own insecurities. I fixed those now, with some duct tape, so it may hold longer, but I ask myself can I guarantee not to become angsty again, will I really be all right if we go back to being friends and don't talk, what will be in it for him to say yes to my continued friendship? He blames himself for so much and I don't want him to think it's his fault for anything. I just need socialization more and I just didn't know it. So it wasn't exactly his fault that he was being a normal online friend. I tend to want something the way I want it, when I want it and when I don't get it, I pout, whine, kick and cause a ruckus until I scare everyone aware or I alienate those closest to me. I don't know all this thinking is making my already aching head hurt worse, so I suppose I'll find out the answer, and get better and something else later on. Right now I need sleep and I'll figure out the homework tomorrow. Ciao for now.
Irked
This has only happened two times in my life, the first of which I was really bummed about because I really liked the guy and the second it was only an acquaintance, but still I don't understand the need for girls to act this way.What am I on about now? Well I'm talking about girls who give you highly unnecessary information for absolutely no reason whatsoever as far as I can tell. It might be jealousy, but I've got little exposure to that, cause most women do not see me as a threat or competition at all. They know by my gestures and interactions, that I'm in friendly mode, not predator mode. Yet two women I've met in my life decided it would be a great idea to mention to me that the guy was not interested in me, only in them. Which wouldn't bother me so much if they'd not waited until some time after having a conversation to mention this. Take for example Exhibit A: Lauren something or other and my crush on a guy named Alex. I had put in the yearbook under my picture secret crush Alex, however I knew it wouldn't come out until like the end of the year and I wouldn't have to face rejection. Cowardly I know, anywho, Lauren worked for our school yearbook and apparently they got to my name really fast, because one day before going to a class that contained me, Her and Alex, she surprised me in the bathroom. I was just leaving or something and out of nowhere she was like Soo you like Alex huh? I about had a heart attack, cause I thought it was really obvious, so I asked how she knew and she told me she worked on the yearbook. I was like oh well I plan to tell him eventually or something of the ilk. She made a somewhat encouraging reply, then she proceeded to tell me that he took her to the movies the day before we were having this conversation. I was like devastated, cause then I thought that meant dating (I have old fashioned ideas of dating) and that they were a couple. However, she didn't seem like she was trying to warn me off, but then again she didn't say outright I should go for it. She just told me that he took her out the day before and they sat in his car and talked, then she walked away.
Understandably I was a little puzzled as to why she'd be telling me this, especially as I hadn't asked and really hadn't meant to have anyone in on my plans to tell Alex I liked him just in case it ended in rejection. So instead I just chose not to tell him at all, because if he was after another girl, and I was painfully available and he must have known it, then obviously he didn't have those feelings for me. I just feel like maybe she could have not said anything and I could've had a chance to see what he would say. Either way there was no reason for her to divulge to me that I basically shouldn't consider him an option.
What reminded me of incident number one, since it has been 10 years since then is a recent incident with a girl who actually was a friend this time. I only knew Lauren in passing, but this girl I've known her a year and helped her with her on and off again relationship with a guy. In fact we'd gone for a girls night out based on helping her feel better about her off again time. They're now on again. However, me, her and my roommate went out to dance and maybe have a drink. She and I got a drink, but my roommate abstained and eventually bailed early due to a hectic schedule making her tired. Which I understood. Anywho, upon arriving at the pub, I noticed my friend making googly eyes at some guy and saying he was cute. I looked over (it was dim) and was like you know I think I know that guy. We decided to get a drink and then head back up. Upon which the guy came a lot closer and I did know him, so I smiled and waved and then he came over and was like Hannah that is you! He was like he didn't recognize me, but I looked familiar. I happened to be wearing my hair sort of down and straightened, which I've been told makes me look like I have a twin (which I don't have) because it changes my usually ponytail look drastically. Anywho, the guy came up and gave me a friend side hug, so I knew off the bat I wasn't his main focus. Then he called me old. Oh not in so many words, but it was like My gosh what are you doing out? As if I wasn't supposed to be out on a school night and not so late at a pub dancing. I felt like how a teacher would feel when a student runs into them out on a school night and not already in bed. I let it slide though and introduced him to both my roommate and my friend. He was very polite and was like he was out with his brothers (fraternity) and then he invited us all to go dancing. My friend was the first to be like let's do it, so I followed suit and so did my roommate. He immediately plastered himself to my friend and they hit it off while having fun. I watched long enough to make sure he wasn't one of those grabby creeper drunks, but he was solid, so I turned my attention to trying to get my roommate to enjoy herself. Then I ran into oh say about 5 other friends I knew and we all started dancing and having fun. Occasionally, the guy and girl would come and dance with us and then they'd separate to plaster themselves to each other and I went back to getting my dance on.
Long story short, the night ended and my friend was staying at my place for the evening and so we sat and talked about how I knew him, how cute she thought he was and how nice and polite he was. So basically girl talk after meeting a guy I suppose. .It was the first time I'd had this happen, though she didn't know. Then we were contemplating what to eat or we had gone off the subject and then she was like I hope you know he only talked to you to get closer to me. She told me that while they'd danced he'd admitted that his friend hug to me was his 'In' so he could talk to her. She was like they were making googly eyes at each other from the beginning so I was his perfect opening. Then she fell silent. I was like I know, then I didn't say anything else. She went on to wax the moon about him and I didn't let it bother me so much, until later. It was sort of like was that really necessary to say that. She didn't say it, but it sounded a lot to me like she was saying he didn't actually want to talk to you, he just saw me and wanted to talk to me and just so happened to know you, so he found a way into our group using you. He didn't want you. I feel like um I know he didn't want me. He gave me a friend hug for petes sake, then spoke to me for all of 6 seconds on the dance floor before plastering himself to her and ignoring the world at large. It could not be any clearer where his interest lied if there was a neon sign above his head. So his lack of interest is not what bothers me and it's frankly nothing new, it's just her random need to almost make me feel like I shouldn't harbor any interest in him, cause he had none in me. I'm 99% sure that wasn't her purpose and maybe she said it to feel pretty and wanted after breaking up with her guy, but nonetheless it just irked me that she felt the need to make me feel unwanted in the process.
I felt like I needed to point out to her a few facts, which was that he and I had spoken briefly before and that he knew I was about 4 or 5 years older than him as both of us are considered non-traditional students. If he'd wanted to get to know me before we have class three days out of the week so plenty of time. She was like he's shy, which might account for why he'd not have indicated an interest in class, but it was also that he gave me a friend hug. There are two guaranteed subtle ways for a girl to know she's not wanted by a guy except as a friend. There is the friend hug, which guys say that they only hug a girl from the front to feel the pillow of her chest and gauge exactly how much they want to be interested in her. They only give the side friend hug, because they don't want to disrespect a friend or send mixed signals by giving a full frontal hug. I'm sure it's more than that, but it's a pretty sure fire way to tell if a guy is interested. Especially as on the dance floor he was okay giving my friend a full frontal embrace, but barely laid a hand on my shoulder before backing off. Then there's the dreaded buddy pat. This is when a guy bumps into you and you know him and he turns around, pats you on the shoulder and is like hey (buddy is implied, but they most often go with You) How's it going? They never wait for a reply, or they listen only half heartedly as they track that foxy female they're hoping to catch up with. This is often followed by It was good seeing you, as in they don't want to see you again anytime soon before they depart. So his signals showed no interest and I was possibly super friendly, but I often am if someone I know is being super friendly to me, alcohol induced or not. Either way I made sure not to give off any interest signals so it wouldn't get awkward. I'm a master of body language. Which brings me back to the why did she feel the need to say he wasn't interested in me except as a means to get to her, when I didn't ask and frankly I didn't care. I was high off a good night and she brought my energy low by bringing that up so awkwardly and I'm like how to respond to someone needing to boost themselves up by letting you know you were not that important in the grand scheme of meeting guys in pub. I knew I was at least 5 to 7 years older than most people there. I just wanted to dance and maybe have one drink, while surreptitiously playing DD(Designated Driver). I wasn't expecting to find romance and I hadn't known he'd be there at all, so it just bugs me. It's like if she needs to be the center of attention that much she can go dancing without me. Then again, I've fulfilled my role as friend counselor and she and her guy are on talking terms again, so she has no need to really contact me until something else goes wrong. So back to studying again I go. All studies, no playtime. Maybe I need to get a ball. I love balls, no pun intended. lol
Understandably I was a little puzzled as to why she'd be telling me this, especially as I hadn't asked and really hadn't meant to have anyone in on my plans to tell Alex I liked him just in case it ended in rejection. So instead I just chose not to tell him at all, because if he was after another girl, and I was painfully available and he must have known it, then obviously he didn't have those feelings for me. I just feel like maybe she could have not said anything and I could've had a chance to see what he would say. Either way there was no reason for her to divulge to me that I basically shouldn't consider him an option.
What reminded me of incident number one, since it has been 10 years since then is a recent incident with a girl who actually was a friend this time. I only knew Lauren in passing, but this girl I've known her a year and helped her with her on and off again relationship with a guy. In fact we'd gone for a girls night out based on helping her feel better about her off again time. They're now on again. However, me, her and my roommate went out to dance and maybe have a drink. She and I got a drink, but my roommate abstained and eventually bailed early due to a hectic schedule making her tired. Which I understood. Anywho, upon arriving at the pub, I noticed my friend making googly eyes at some guy and saying he was cute. I looked over (it was dim) and was like you know I think I know that guy. We decided to get a drink and then head back up. Upon which the guy came a lot closer and I did know him, so I smiled and waved and then he came over and was like Hannah that is you! He was like he didn't recognize me, but I looked familiar. I happened to be wearing my hair sort of down and straightened, which I've been told makes me look like I have a twin (which I don't have) because it changes my usually ponytail look drastically. Anywho, the guy came up and gave me a friend side hug, so I knew off the bat I wasn't his main focus. Then he called me old. Oh not in so many words, but it was like My gosh what are you doing out? As if I wasn't supposed to be out on a school night and not so late at a pub dancing. I felt like how a teacher would feel when a student runs into them out on a school night and not already in bed. I let it slide though and introduced him to both my roommate and my friend. He was very polite and was like he was out with his brothers (fraternity) and then he invited us all to go dancing. My friend was the first to be like let's do it, so I followed suit and so did my roommate. He immediately plastered himself to my friend and they hit it off while having fun. I watched long enough to make sure he wasn't one of those grabby creeper drunks, but he was solid, so I turned my attention to trying to get my roommate to enjoy herself. Then I ran into oh say about 5 other friends I knew and we all started dancing and having fun. Occasionally, the guy and girl would come and dance with us and then they'd separate to plaster themselves to each other and I went back to getting my dance on.
Long story short, the night ended and my friend was staying at my place for the evening and so we sat and talked about how I knew him, how cute she thought he was and how nice and polite he was. So basically girl talk after meeting a guy I suppose. .It was the first time I'd had this happen, though she didn't know. Then we were contemplating what to eat or we had gone off the subject and then she was like I hope you know he only talked to you to get closer to me. She told me that while they'd danced he'd admitted that his friend hug to me was his 'In' so he could talk to her. She was like they were making googly eyes at each other from the beginning so I was his perfect opening. Then she fell silent. I was like I know, then I didn't say anything else. She went on to wax the moon about him and I didn't let it bother me so much, until later. It was sort of like was that really necessary to say that. She didn't say it, but it sounded a lot to me like she was saying he didn't actually want to talk to you, he just saw me and wanted to talk to me and just so happened to know you, so he found a way into our group using you. He didn't want you. I feel like um I know he didn't want me. He gave me a friend hug for petes sake, then spoke to me for all of 6 seconds on the dance floor before plastering himself to her and ignoring the world at large. It could not be any clearer where his interest lied if there was a neon sign above his head. So his lack of interest is not what bothers me and it's frankly nothing new, it's just her random need to almost make me feel like I shouldn't harbor any interest in him, cause he had none in me. I'm 99% sure that wasn't her purpose and maybe she said it to feel pretty and wanted after breaking up with her guy, but nonetheless it just irked me that she felt the need to make me feel unwanted in the process.
I felt like I needed to point out to her a few facts, which was that he and I had spoken briefly before and that he knew I was about 4 or 5 years older than him as both of us are considered non-traditional students. If he'd wanted to get to know me before we have class three days out of the week so plenty of time. She was like he's shy, which might account for why he'd not have indicated an interest in class, but it was also that he gave me a friend hug. There are two guaranteed subtle ways for a girl to know she's not wanted by a guy except as a friend. There is the friend hug, which guys say that they only hug a girl from the front to feel the pillow of her chest and gauge exactly how much they want to be interested in her. They only give the side friend hug, because they don't want to disrespect a friend or send mixed signals by giving a full frontal hug. I'm sure it's more than that, but it's a pretty sure fire way to tell if a guy is interested. Especially as on the dance floor he was okay giving my friend a full frontal embrace, but barely laid a hand on my shoulder before backing off. Then there's the dreaded buddy pat. This is when a guy bumps into you and you know him and he turns around, pats you on the shoulder and is like hey (buddy is implied, but they most often go with You) How's it going? They never wait for a reply, or they listen only half heartedly as they track that foxy female they're hoping to catch up with. This is often followed by It was good seeing you, as in they don't want to see you again anytime soon before they depart. So his signals showed no interest and I was possibly super friendly, but I often am if someone I know is being super friendly to me, alcohol induced or not. Either way I made sure not to give off any interest signals so it wouldn't get awkward. I'm a master of body language. Which brings me back to the why did she feel the need to say he wasn't interested in me except as a means to get to her, when I didn't ask and frankly I didn't care. I was high off a good night and she brought my energy low by bringing that up so awkwardly and I'm like how to respond to someone needing to boost themselves up by letting you know you were not that important in the grand scheme of meeting guys in pub. I knew I was at least 5 to 7 years older than most people there. I just wanted to dance and maybe have one drink, while surreptitiously playing DD(Designated Driver). I wasn't expecting to find romance and I hadn't known he'd be there at all, so it just bugs me. It's like if she needs to be the center of attention that much she can go dancing without me. Then again, I've fulfilled my role as friend counselor and she and her guy are on talking terms again, so she has no need to really contact me until something else goes wrong. So back to studying again I go. All studies, no playtime. Maybe I need to get a ball. I love balls, no pun intended. lol
Saturday, 1 February 2014
The future
It took until this year to get a real good glimpse at what my future will behold and I must say I like it. I usually have horribly depressing blogs, but this one is about the new me or rather the me I can see inside, that just needs the right circumstances to reflect on the outside. This year has been a series of those circumstances though I don't know if it will last.
The future me will have her own apartment while she saves up to build her house. She will have a stable job where she can be promoted and feels motivated to wear the mantle of leadership. She will be confident in herself and in her clothing. She will have clothing that actually fits and not what's cheapest, although she will try very hard not to be frivolous or careless in her purchases. She will have money set aside, so if her friends ask her to go to a restaurant, club, pub or any combination in between she can say yes. She will have some funds for shopping for whatever she fancies or needs and know the various ways of transportation, whether by bus, train or car.
Her apartment will be relatively spotless though lived in and filled with various personal affects and her own color scheme. She will feel comfy in her living room, kitchen or her own room, depending on what mood she's in. Preferably future me will have more toys spread out across the floor for chasing, and a papasan chair with stuffed creatures across furniture, but one step at a time. She will like her neighborhood with a nearby store for small things and be friendly with both neighbors and possibly drivers of transportation as well. She will be able to have friends over to laugh, watch movies or go dancing with when she wants, barring any adult curfews. She will take her shoes off at the front door and have more easy to slip into slippers. The decor will be more japanese in style and comfy sofa's or futons acting as sofa's.
Preferably she'll have two desks, one in the living room and one in her own room.
There will be room for lots of sunshine or moonlight to come in and space to open said windows.
So far about 90% of that has already happened in my life and it's fantastic. I love it and hope that once the final plans are in motion it will come to be true. Preferably with maybe another pet roaming around. Something with not such a long lifespan. Maybe a rat, ooh ferrets! I'm a genius. I'd love a ferret. I also have the attention span of a gnat apparently. So yeah I like living the life I'm living now. Just take out schooling, add in martial arts and yes I do still intend to do martial arts. It's always been my intention and I will have my preferred lifestyle. I want peach colored sheets too, but they seem to be non-existent for some strange reason. Anywho, That's blog.
The future me will have her own apartment while she saves up to build her house. She will have a stable job where she can be promoted and feels motivated to wear the mantle of leadership. She will be confident in herself and in her clothing. She will have clothing that actually fits and not what's cheapest, although she will try very hard not to be frivolous or careless in her purchases. She will have money set aside, so if her friends ask her to go to a restaurant, club, pub or any combination in between she can say yes. She will have some funds for shopping for whatever she fancies or needs and know the various ways of transportation, whether by bus, train or car.
Her apartment will be relatively spotless though lived in and filled with various personal affects and her own color scheme. She will feel comfy in her living room, kitchen or her own room, depending on what mood she's in. Preferably future me will have more toys spread out across the floor for chasing, and a papasan chair with stuffed creatures across furniture, but one step at a time. She will like her neighborhood with a nearby store for small things and be friendly with both neighbors and possibly drivers of transportation as well. She will be able to have friends over to laugh, watch movies or go dancing with when she wants, barring any adult curfews. She will take her shoes off at the front door and have more easy to slip into slippers. The decor will be more japanese in style and comfy sofa's or futons acting as sofa's.
Preferably she'll have two desks, one in the living room and one in her own room.
There will be room for lots of sunshine or moonlight to come in and space to open said windows.
So far about 90% of that has already happened in my life and it's fantastic. I love it and hope that once the final plans are in motion it will come to be true. Preferably with maybe another pet roaming around. Something with not such a long lifespan. Maybe a rat, ooh ferrets! I'm a genius. I'd love a ferret. I also have the attention span of a gnat apparently. So yeah I like living the life I'm living now. Just take out schooling, add in martial arts and yes I do still intend to do martial arts. It's always been my intention and I will have my preferred lifestyle. I want peach colored sheets too, but they seem to be non-existent for some strange reason. Anywho, That's blog.
Maybe Someday
On days like this, with the sun up, a chill in the air and an hour of time in silence to wait, I wonder. I wonder about the environment I'm in, and the personal changes I chose to make. I wonder about my 7, 10 and rest of my life plans that I've implemented and the determination to stop liking guys who just can't see me in that way. Which of course is my own fault. Most of my friends would immediately go through denial and 'how could I know' questions, but only that question is valid. How could I know that when I was younger and saw how horrible women treated men and decided to be everything they're not, that it would render me incapable of receiving romantic love? Which the easiest answer is I didn't, otherwise I'd have been much more wise in choosing what I would not do versus what I would. I can't tell if a guy likes me or not if I want to be 100% honest with myself. I have feelings I feel. When I get around certain guys, it can be this intense gut wrenching energetic blow to the gut, or it can be a slow build up of attachment, until I realize the danger too late and am doomed. Then there's other guys who it feels and looks energetically like a hole in the air. Like imagine a dark landscape all around and smack dab in the middle is a white space that's void of any color. That is what it feels like when I think a guy doesn't like me as a friend. However, lately I've begun to wonder if it's not reading who likes me and who doesn't, but rather who I like and who I don't. When I put it in that context it changes the entire outlook on every guy I've ever met and had a reaction to. Even more in depth is that, with the intense feeling guys, when I think they wouldn't date me, it's not particularly because of instinct telling me that. More like it's that I don't think I could win a guys affection. I mean when it all comes down to it, dating is a competition. We'd like to think that we're all so sure of our motives for dating a person, but it generally always comes down to who you find attractive. It doesn't matter if they're shallow, kiss before you date or anything. For most of my adult life I had hopes that it would be different. That someone would see a mostly well balanced, makes good life choices and is fun girl and overlook the merely cute visage to actually want to date me. Yet instead every guy I've met who seemed a good judge of character has consistently chosen only beautiful or hot girls. It didn't matter to them that the girl could be a cheater or if she's overly flirtatious and leading them on, but doesn't really want anything from them because she's only on a rebound. It didn't matter if the girl could be compassionate or understanding of them. Nothing, but the attractiveness mattered and I must say that is soo disillusioning and disappointing. I had high apple pie in the sky hopes that as I matured maybe just maybe I'd have a chance. Then it happened again and it didn't bother me as it usually does, but it was because I'd come to expect it. My guy friend, but my friends leech for the night. Don't get me wrong, I am not excluded from that list. All my guys I've friend-zoned, I've not been attracted to. How can I expect to have others deny attraction is a powerful factor if even I can't defeat it? It's just a vicious cycle and I'm determined to overcome this need to find someone and focus on my work.
Which would be ten times easier if I had something emotional to look forward to. My family and soul family are superb. I love them all more than words can express. They've been there for me and supported me as if there is never a doubt. I personally love being me. I love everything about my life, the ups and the downs. The problem is once someone has betrayed me or I felt like I'd been betrayed, that bond is shattered and broken. I'll be there for them, but they no longer have my trust nor my loyalty. I do it if I feel like it and if I don't then I feel no remorse about letting them down. This is what happened in my family and so therefore they are no longer close to me and that left an emotional void. My soul family sort of fills that void, but they have their own lives to live. To me, once they find a mate or do their own thing that weakens our bond as well, because I no longer feel I have priority in their lives. Which is as it should be. That is where a mate is supposed to come in. When your family, soul or bio are living their lives, you make a life with your mate. By yourself is fine too, but people need companionship. This is why people turn to pets to fill that emotional void in their life when family is not there and neither is a mate.
I personally miss my cat. She's no dog, but she is my little trooper. I hesitate to say familiar, but a lot of the times she's more in tune with energy than the dog is. She's my little buddy once I return home and hugging her makes me feel better. However the loneliness remains for something more, but with so much working against me, I mostly just resigned myself to possible future outings with no expectation of anything romantic. I have absolutely no qualms about buying myself stuff for valentines day and taking myself out on dates for my birthday and buying myself what I want around christmas. Mostly because the things I buy end up infused with my energy anyway. Also it means I can travel as much as I want to, though I'm drawing a blank on future places to visit. I know within the US, I'll travel, but there's no sense in having a passport and not visiting another country. I want to go back to Scotland, but I also sort of want to experience Italy, Canada, Greece, Prague and Possibly even Belgium though my friend and I aren't friends anymore. Everyone keeps regaling me with stories of their visit to Belgium and how lovely it is there and how they went to paris and it was crowded and how Belgium is a much slower pace. Toss in the possibility of Chocolate, dutch pancakes and various other foods and I'm in. Not to mention I now have a slight addiction to exploring castles. It is not true that when you see one castle you've seen them all. Some are more maintained, some are ruins, but they're perfect for roaming and adventure that beats in the heart of every wolf. I like the smells, the energy and whatnot. I also want a place by the water. I need water as an element near me.
Perhaps it will be a sooner than later trip. It's the first time I've talked myself into traveling after all this traveling did me in this year. I'm ready to go to Washington and relax for a few months. My Doni sis may be visiting this summer. Hopefully around Blue Angel time :D Yeah that's blog for today.
Which would be ten times easier if I had something emotional to look forward to. My family and soul family are superb. I love them all more than words can express. They've been there for me and supported me as if there is never a doubt. I personally love being me. I love everything about my life, the ups and the downs. The problem is once someone has betrayed me or I felt like I'd been betrayed, that bond is shattered and broken. I'll be there for them, but they no longer have my trust nor my loyalty. I do it if I feel like it and if I don't then I feel no remorse about letting them down. This is what happened in my family and so therefore they are no longer close to me and that left an emotional void. My soul family sort of fills that void, but they have their own lives to live. To me, once they find a mate or do their own thing that weakens our bond as well, because I no longer feel I have priority in their lives. Which is as it should be. That is where a mate is supposed to come in. When your family, soul or bio are living their lives, you make a life with your mate. By yourself is fine too, but people need companionship. This is why people turn to pets to fill that emotional void in their life when family is not there and neither is a mate.
I personally miss my cat. She's no dog, but she is my little trooper. I hesitate to say familiar, but a lot of the times she's more in tune with energy than the dog is. She's my little buddy once I return home and hugging her makes me feel better. However the loneliness remains for something more, but with so much working against me, I mostly just resigned myself to possible future outings with no expectation of anything romantic. I have absolutely no qualms about buying myself stuff for valentines day and taking myself out on dates for my birthday and buying myself what I want around christmas. Mostly because the things I buy end up infused with my energy anyway. Also it means I can travel as much as I want to, though I'm drawing a blank on future places to visit. I know within the US, I'll travel, but there's no sense in having a passport and not visiting another country. I want to go back to Scotland, but I also sort of want to experience Italy, Canada, Greece, Prague and Possibly even Belgium though my friend and I aren't friends anymore. Everyone keeps regaling me with stories of their visit to Belgium and how lovely it is there and how they went to paris and it was crowded and how Belgium is a much slower pace. Toss in the possibility of Chocolate, dutch pancakes and various other foods and I'm in. Not to mention I now have a slight addiction to exploring castles. It is not true that when you see one castle you've seen them all. Some are more maintained, some are ruins, but they're perfect for roaming and adventure that beats in the heart of every wolf. I like the smells, the energy and whatnot. I also want a place by the water. I need water as an element near me.
Perhaps it will be a sooner than later trip. It's the first time I've talked myself into traveling after all this traveling did me in this year. I'm ready to go to Washington and relax for a few months. My Doni sis may be visiting this summer. Hopefully around Blue Angel time :D Yeah that's blog for today.
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