I officially can't wait for spring break. I feel like I'm slogging through this semester and it's only been a month! Then again, being the super wolf that I am, I chose to not return home after the semester in Scotland. I knew I had traveled far and wide before, but I need to touch base in Washington. If tickets were cheap, I'd go home over spring break. I miss my cat, my mom, my state and my room. I miss being surrounded by my stuff. I mean having my own room is nice and living in my own apartment with a roommate is awesome. Especially as I like my roommate. However, I've lost too many things already and I need a comfort hug just to remember it's all okay. I don't get to play anymore, even if it's online and silly it was something. Now I'm super serious about my degree, work, my agency project and taking on more responsibility than I'm not sure if I can handle.
Then there's the email...I emailed. Gave in, went back and wrote some asinine email asking for forgiveness and friendship back. However, I think it's too late. So far no reply, no yay nor nay. Then again it's only been like a week, but my brain thinks maybe just really did go full offline. In which case, it will be Alex all over again and just have to slowly but surely move on and try not to fall into the same pattern of distrust again.
Then there's this weird need to try dating thing going on. It's bugging the life out of me, because it's an idea that won't quit. Which don't get me wrong I'm all for trying, but honestly I do not know where or how. I successfully stuck myself in the least dateable environment I could find, then add in my inexperience, coupled with my inability to drop my personal shields and I'm not even chasing my tail. I'm looking at it contemplating if I should get up off my rump and chase it. I may just be a failure at living life lol. I can't keep great friendships without ruining them with obsession, I can't get a date, I overestimate my abilities. Welcome to life.
Another thing that frustrates me though is all the people asking me how does it feel to be independent. I'm like you know I've always been independent. I've been an independent type of person since I was little. I made choices that only an independent person could make. Just because one lives on their own doesn't make them independent and just because one lives with their mom doesn't make them dependent. I'd been learning how to live on my own since early 2000's when I got left in charge of a condominium to pay the bills and rent on time. My sister and brother didn't even have that chance until much much later. I made my own dinners, lunches and took care of myself then. I lived in TLP housing which helped me learn my way around independently for a year. I moved to florida, got a job and promoted and nearly into University There by myself. I fly all over North America to different cities, again by myself. I went to Scotland, overseas for the first time by myself. I ran into a crisis there and solved it, with the grace of god, but nonetheless it was done independently. So I feel like I've always felt being independent, because I wasn't dependent! If I wasn't too busy to argue and if I knew it wouldn't cause a shit storm a mile wide, then I'd correct the people who think my going to Scotland was suddenly their idea. It's like um yeah no it wasn't. College wasn't their ideas either. I fully intend to go back home, and live in Washington State and get a job there and have my mom in my life and possibly living with me or over for a lot of visits, cause that's what I want. I don't care about the futures they'd pick out for me.
Lastly, I feel like I'm living two lives. I feel like I'm still supposed to be able to walk down the street in Scotland, and catch the bus there, and do my own thing in Scotland, but I'm not there. There was a scottish/irish combination dance at IDF(International Dance Festival) this year. They were surprisingly good. I totally cheered loudly, but I need a break.
I need a break to sleep for one, and not stress. I would like a break in Boston. I love Boston but I haven't been able to visit as much as I'd like. Maybe a lovely hotel or motel for a few days. Go visit Boston Gardens and Aquarium, and eat dinner in Boston. Hmm maybe I should look up dates in Boston. Doesn't necessarily have to be a Maine living person. lol.
I'm tired, I don't know. I go sleepies. Sayoonara and Oyasumi nasai
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