Chaotic Being

Every now and then you read about those people who just want to be ordinary. We don't want to be chosen by anything and we think that if we keep our hopes simple and easy that that can be who we are. I myself am one of those who wanted to be ordinary, but who has long since realized I may not be. What makes me so special? Nothing much really. I always thought it was a certain bit of honor, wanting to do the right thing, a person out of time and in a way that still is me, but something that makes me extraordinary is chaos.
A lot of people hear about it and think it's some definable, dark energy that causes nothing but destruction, but I've come to believe chaos is only dangerous when you try to control it. Chaos isn't meant to be controlled nor can it be. Perhaps I sound like a crazy person when I say I'm beginning to think or maybe realize that I am a chaotic being. Perhaps it is the storms, I can feel pushing at my fingertips even through a TV, or maybe it's the crazy desire to laugh when things go completely out of control.
In either case, that isn't how I came to the conclusion that I may be a chaotic being. You see, for years, my love life has consisted of people describing me in one of two ways. Either hero worship, I love you, when I only want to help them with their lives, or absolute and complete indifference. There has never been an in between. I didn't realize that I had been searching my whole life for an in betweener, until I stumbled upon him.
For years, I could never understand why it was that everyone around me seemed chained. Not in a literal sense, but in a metaphorical sense. Every time I wanted chaos, they could never embrace it or feel the wildness of its ways. I would want to HIGH and they were low. I wanted varying speeds, but they always seemed on the fast track to nowhere. As I encountered more of what I considered my kind, I always felt extremely off in their presence. It was like looking for an exact copy of yourself and finding people who were close, but missing one crucial piece. For years, I got closer and closer to another chaotic being, but there was always something holding everyone back.
To me it felt like watching a chained dog and being a wild wolf. I would run and they would follow, only to be snapped back. Even if I managed to get the leash off of them and pushed for them to be free, it seemed that they just couldn't do it. They couldn't give their lives over to chaos. A lot of people described me as wild, untamed, elusive. Like I was some wild animal, as if I had a choice. All I knew was that I wanted to be free. I wanted to be free to follow the chaos, which at the time I had always associated with nature.
For years, I wandered alone, knowing that no one else felt the way I did. They didn't feel the pull of chaos, they didn't hear it rushing through their souls. I was alone. Then one day, I met another chaotic being, though it took me until now, yes, now, to figure it out. I had been in denial that I was anything more than ordinary. But he was extraordinary and so like me, I got goosebumps. It was like finding another wild wolf, free to run and jump and play. I found someone who was free.
Only the problem was this being didn't act free. They acted like they were trapped. I couldn't compute this. If chaos is a part of you, and wants you to harness, why not do it? Yes there are a lot of draw backs, but there is also a wild triumph when you're perfectly in sync with chaos. I wanted this other being to join me in the chaos. To embrace it. It took a really really really long time. Like four years, but slowly, I could see chaos returning to him. I was soon able to throw anything at him and he could roll with it unlike anyone I had ever met.
I was free with him, because we both were chaos. If I wanted to go HIGH, he might have laughed at me, but there was also a 50/50 chance he would go HIGH  too. I wanted to put him in my pocket and keep him forever. I wanted to embrace chaos as only two beings who felt it could. There was no limit to what we could do together. Which I suppose in hindsight is what I wanted more than anything. I wanted to set him free. Only, chaos had ruled my life from day one. There is no escaping chaos for me. I was born a chaotic being with chaos holding me in its lap. Heck I cause chaos by accident, if I don't embrace it.
Unfortunately, chaos didn't appear to have treated the other being so well. He was once bitten, twice shy. There was a point, when I thought he would dare to step out of the chaos free bubble he'd created around himself, but one bad choice sent him right back into the bubble and he vanished. It was like seeing the moon every night for six years and suddenly it was gone. All you saw were stars, beings in a black void forever untouchable by you. It hurt like no other experience I had ever known and the only person I wanted to tell the hurt to was the one who caused it.
I regret losing that chaotic being to the metaphorical chains. There was such promise waiting at his fingertips, but he couldn't trust in the chaos again. Although I understand it, I feel like I'll never find another chaotic being again. I've met one or two, but they were already chained. Trapped. Unable to escape a world of their own creation. I've tried to ignore being a chaotic being, but it is the air I breathe. I need the unpredictability of that energy. I need to feel as if when something is good, it will be fantastic and when something is bad, it opens up the ground beneath you. Perhaps that's a slightly scary view, even to me, for chaos is not all revealing. I just have heard a lot of people say that chaos follows me everywhere and I feel chaos everywhere. I feel it in life, destruction, pain, happiness, triumph and defeat.
I will remain unchained and untamed, maybe forever. A lone chaotic being scouring the universe. Maybe I'll find another, or maybe not, but I will always remember the one I had the fortune of knowing even for just a short while. He had once asked me, why was I afraid to lose him and the answer is because there is no one else like me. It's lonely out here in the void, with no one to really understand the turmoil that no one else can see. When I met him, I felt freed, like there was no more need to pretend and if I didn't have him, I would go back to being a shadow of myself again. Picking and choosing which side of me to show, but unable to hide the chaos. However, just knowing someone else was affected by that chaos, made me feel less like a freak. I wanted embracing the chaos to mean something, not just for me, but for both of us. That he felt that unique connection as deeply and thoroughly as I did. That if I were to leave that maybe his world would be just a little dimmer too, because no one would understand the chaos within him. The need to embrace it and wield it as it so desperately wants from us.
But in the end, I felt like the chaos I couldn't help embrace was what bound us together and set us apart.  He wanted to be chained and I didn't. I can't stomach the thought of being chained, of being unable to enjoy life to its fullest, both good and bad. I couldn't imagine not chasing freedom, or building it, or creating it. I didn't know everything and I didn't want to know, I didn't want more control, I wanted less and being with him, let me lose more control. I started to believe in and trust the chaos that had made me feel so isolated and without him, I didn't know how to bear it alone. In the end, it is what forced me to bear it alone. I was restraining him from getting away from chaos by our mutual experience with it, but different approaches to dealing with it.
I wanted him to join me and I felt like he wanted to join me too, but I feared that his reluctance would rip him away from me. Which it did, A free chaotic being cannot stay with a chained one. It's anathema to my very existence. The five months he was gone, every minor interaction, was as if the chaos didn't exist anymore. There was no way to reach him and eventually it felt like there wasn't a point to try. My love of freedom was the very thing he couldn't embrace anymore. Freedom meant pain, both for himself and those he tried to love. He would never be able to join me and that saddened me so much. There was anger involved, I am human, but in the end it was disappointment that had me walk away.
I miss my chaotic being yes, and hope he is well. The chaos calls to me and soon I'll be joining it again, after this stint of recovery. Some days I hope he sees these messages to the universe I send out, that maybe chaos will bring us back to the same circles, but  I really really doubt it. Perhaps it was always meant to turn out this way and the inevitability of it all made me fuel it's take over all the sooner. Are there other chaotic beings out there? Yes. He and I don't hold the monopoly on it, but It's really going to suck searching for another one again. What if it takes another 23 years to find them? I don't know if I can hold out hope that long lol. But alas as inevitable as the receding of the tides, chaos will lead me somewhere in it's dark embrace and I will go hoping one day, something will lead me to be free.

Release

What to do when your very existence amongst others is reduced to a sigh, or a burden. When you have no wishes left, because life isn't bad and hoping it will be ecstatic is nothing more than a dream. I don't have words left, because nothing matters ever. I want to build my house so I can live in Solitude and there my world will be complete. I won't love those who can't love me, I won't be a burden that someone has to take care of when I'm sick and I won't be a sigh brought to someone's lips just because I have to use the restroom. I need to support myself, I need to go away, to leave, I need out again. God I feel like such a failure. This whole summer has been a waste. Everyone is telling me Hannah you should be happy that you had your cyst taken out, but there's a part that's like at what cost? I couldn't keep my promise to be there for my friends wedding. I've known her for ten years and I've known her now husband for just as long. I've seen the aftereffects of their first kiss and know their dog. I've spent time at their apartment and I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I was supposed to be there for her to make her day happy and make sure everything went off without a hitch. Help relieve the burden. Then the surgery happened and she was so understanding, but wanting me to still have the elusive notion that I was a bridesmaid even if I couldn't fulfill the duties. I was so excited to still be a part of it, and so looking forward to her saying her vows and walking down that aisle. Then there was something I could do. I could release her baby, Kona, who is a dog, but in our world our dogs are our babies. I was so happy and like definitely I could do that. I could take pictures, be a part of the wedding and make her happy. Then the fight happened. I didn't tell her about it, because  I didn't want to ruin her beautiful day. However, I got into a fight over someone promising to take me and suddenly going back on their word a day before the wedding. I was furious and devastated, because well why shouldn't I be? I gave up the rest of this stupid summer to get this cyst out and yeah it was for me, but fact of the matter is I had nothing else to look forward to. I just wanted to attend a wedding. It wasn't really that difficult. Instead I got accused of being selfish, not thinking things through, going to hurt myself and a slew of other things. It was a total clusterfuck and it made me never want to accept another offer someone gives me, because they never can keep their word when the time comes. Selfish one and all. Then to make matters worse, the day of the wedding, we left out too late. I missed the vows of the wedding, the walk back down the aisle. Everything but the reception. I got there and my friend didn't really look at me. I was right beside her and I don't know if she truly didn't see me or if she just didn't care that I was there anymore. I couldn't blame her. How do you face someone you call your sister on your wedding day and she missed your freaking vows? How do you offer the beautiful burgundy shawl that is designated for bridesmaids and see her standing there when the wedding is practically over? For my part, how do I sit there and not feel like a fraud. Everyone else did the work and I'm supposed to get the glory? I stayed, because I wanted to see her first dance as a married couple, but I couldn't go on the stage with all the other bridesmaids, because it was a celebration of all their hard work paying  off. The most I did was eat and fill freaking sparkling cider glasses. I haven't spoken to her since and it's hard to do so, when I feel so low. It doesn't matter that if I could move particles through space to have been there, the fact is that I wasn't. The whole point of a wedding is to witness a couple sharing vows, and becoming one union together and you getting to witness that is an important thing and I didn't get to see that. I was supposed to be happy after that. To be jumping off the four walls, but instead I just felt like the scum someone scraped off the bottom of their shoe. An absolute 100% failure.
Then there's my Doni sis who I love dearly and wanted to support during her graduation and her birthday and because of this surgery, I could only hear how no one showed up to celebrate with her and for her. How fucked up is that? To have no one show up to help celebrate your hard earned degree? I'm mad, because I'm still freaking recovering from being ill and couldn't go. I feel like there is a place that I usually fill that in my absence is so achingly empty and I can't do anything about it.
My mom is tired of taking care of me. She's tired of sharing a bathroom, she's tired of my presence it seems some days. I woke up today from a nap, exactly four hours later, as I predicted and it literally sounded like an african safari was going on up front, but she was taking a bath, and as we share a bathroom, I was about to go in and ask to use the restroom and ask why it sounded like an african safari up front. However, as soon as she saw I had to use the bathroom, she just sighed, like I was an unwanted visitor. She practically slammed the curtains closed and said this is why we needed a third bathroom. I didn't have anything to say. It takes me so long to feel wanted, needed, or as if anyone cares about me and that's always what I get? A sigh, a curse, getting yelled at on a phone for two hours, because no one wants me. Logically, I know that's not true. I know that so many people care, okay maybe not so many, but people care about me, but there are so many memories of when people didn't want me around. So many memories of when people left. It's like what did  I do to deserve to be left so alone and unwanted. Why is it that everyone who actually cared about me for no other reason than that they actually cared are also the people who didn't want anything to do with me in their personal lives. It's always fun, but when it's time to go home, they have their lives and their parties and its separate. They have their lives and my friendship isn't exactly a part of it.
Some days I wonder why I even try anymore. I wonder why I am determined to move on with life, even though, I feel like no one cares that I exist. I just want to be alone. I don't want to be a burden, unwanted, or have to smile when people are clearly sick of me being there. I need to get back to school and away from my home life where no one wants me. College, work, you're anonymous. No one really cares about you, because college is about being selfish.  You are the only person to get you through school and graduate, no one else. I'm upset that I'm reduced to stupid tears again, when before the stupid pain meds, I did not cry. However, it's just a testament of how fucked up this summer has been that I'm reduced to crying again. I hate life sometimes and hate everything in it. I have so much hate and loathing building inside that it's making something dead inside me surface and inflicting emotional pain on others seems like a better idea day by day. However, social workers heal, we don't harm. Do no harm. I'm not a social worker yet, but I feel like one. Seether is my best friend right now, and soothing. The one thing I hate about crying is the mucus factor. Really? We don't feel shitty enough, we also gotta have a leaky nose? What the fuck? Life man, life.

Done

Not too long ago I started this blog. It was mostly to exercise the demons running through my head in relative privacy. Which is the dumbest thing you'd think you ever heard as there is no privacy on the internet. Yet everything is circumstantial and this is no different. Offline was where everyone who would not understand exists. The people who don't listen, who dismiss my worries, my fears and my experiences. It's never been a battle for people to accept that I feel like I have the instincts of a wolf/tiger and jaguar. However it's always been a battle for people to know me, to befriend me and to understand the depth of isolation I had sunk to as a kid and never recovered from. I thought I had so many times. I was convinced I was cured, that my environment had changed. I thought I handled loss well, but instead I lost myself in the midst. Now everyone is gone again and all I have left are memories that seem like a dream. I see the faces cross my mind and sometimes wonder if they ever existed the way they were or was it that I put everything I hoped for into them and just lament that they could not fulfill my reality. Which is okay for them, not so much for me as it's left me relatively disillusioned. I felt the apathy returning long before this, felt and fought it and hoped. It was a false hope once again. Now there are times that I forget how a conversation goes, how it flows without putting my social worker face on. If people ask about me, I have to concentrate and bring them into focus that someone is addressing me and how do I respond. It's a terrible thing when you forget how to respond to a hello, or a how are you. It's how it used to be. That I didn't know when to gasp appropriately or anything and I wanted to learn. Now I just feel tired, soo soo tired. If I wasn't in school, I'd just lie down and sleep. Sleep is blissful, sleep is peaceful, but sleep makes you waste away when you wake up. I've all but lost my appetite nowadays. Yesterday I laid down and read a book. I read it for 8 hours straight without getting food or something to drink. I lacked the desire to. I was sleepy, but I was afraid to sleep, because then I'd have no motivation to move after that.
This summer I will sleep though, mostly cause of going through surgery, but it will be my excuse to slip into oblivion for a while. A haze of waking and sleeping and nothing else. I'd always wondered why in all m past lives I was a loner and desperately alone. I think now I understand that perhaps I chose to be alone in those lifetimes after so many failures to connect to whoever I had chosen. Rather than try to overcome an impossible hurdle of self imposed solitude, I chose to be alone. This life the saying that sticks to my heart if I'm meant to be alone, then I'd rather be alone holds true. I want to be alone, I want to get a cabin, supply myself for months and hunker down in a winter solitude and absolute silence. For now however it brings about another choice. I would say eventually I'll seep out offline, but there is no seepage. Since I denounced the therian community which are now a bunch of self righteous pricks who value who they know and cynicism over providing a good community foundation, I haven't gone to any forums. Then no one is ever on messengers anymore, so there's no need to go there and facebook is just authors now to stare at. Some minor things from family members and my Doni sis and Ena sis, but honestly there is nothing left for me online. It's now just an empty shell instead of a gateway to honest and good connections. Which is as it should be.
However offline I have no intention of connecting to people anymore either. I cannot turn off what was activated years ago. I sometimes wish like crazy I'd known a better way to not feel emotional pain instead of sealing it off like applying concrete to a hole in the wall. It was either seal off the pain or commit the ultimate crime to my life and take it. A 12 year old making that decision was never a good thing to begin with. I became nothing and no one to anyone but me. Then it seemed like something good came along and tried to unearth what I'd buried, but when I reached out for it, it flickered out. I prepared to go back to sleep, when another light flickered and another. Now somehow I'm back where I started, which is why I wonder if it was all a dream. So now I am done and shall become no one and nobody again. I will scare people away and keep the only three people I have left of many. This is my last blog to myself and what I dared to reach. Mark that as lifetime number 4, forever alone.

Solitude

There is an assumption in the world that people who choose to be alone are always depressed, but sometimes it's just because they don't understand and therefore don't like what they see. Myself I want to be alone so I don't have to be confused anymore. I know who I am, I feel very strongly about my beliefs, but there are times when I just don't understand why someone doesn't like me. Admittedly I don't need everyone to like me, but I'd rather know one way or the other. There are some people who abound who seem like they want to be near me, but when I go to reach for them, they disappear like smoke and I start to wonder how crazy I am. Am I projecting my own need to reach out on these people and assuming everything they do is in relation to me, or is it really in relation to me that they go away and don't explain why. It confuses me and rents space in my head that just doesn't need to be rented. It's a waste of my time trying to figure it out, which begs the question so why do I try? Well because I try to be friendly. I know I'm not always overtly friendly, and come off as aloof and cold. So I try to make sure I am aware of people who may want to befriend me, but are intimidated by my aloof countenance. So I notice when someone is circling my sphere of existence and I try to see if they want to be a part of the inner layers or are they just passing by. Then as I assume they're passing by and resume my orbit, They come flying through the layers like a shooting star. So I'm like oo pretty and reach out to catch the shooting star and they go to the second black hole that's close to our black hole and before I know it they're out of reach and stay out of reach. So it's like all right either you want to be caught or not. Make up your mind and make it obvious. So instead I get depressed because I just don't know and my friends around me make it better and worse. They boost me up by telling me I am an awesome individual, full of naive, pure and innocent inner light and they are proud to know me. They use me as a confidant and all seems well. Then that shooting star returns, and I get confused, because I know I'm awesome, so why don't they see that and why are they bloody intimidated by me when I'm nice and friendly. All they have to do is try and the rest will be easy. I've done it before, but it doesn't ever mean anything. I don't know. Hence, why I am contemplating the idea of solitude. I don't have people building me up or by their very presence bringing me down. I don't interpret behavior and try to read people consistently. I think I've somehow incorporated a people scanner into my empathic abilities and now it's just about to drive me up the wall. This summer once I go through surgery I'm going to Legend of Zelda Windwaker and I'm going to play Final Fantasy 8 and I'm going to be happy in my den of solitude. Well as happy as one can be after having their stomach cut open and stapled shut. Yeesh. I shall not have to worry about it after may and next year I will be a thousand times more vigilant about who I let into my inner orbit. Yes. Until then I shall remain confused and depressed trying to understand the whims of certain guys. :P

Comfort

There are certain days that remind me of my time when I lived alone in the condo. I wasn't completely alone, but my mom had to work in a different city and my siblings had run away. Since my mom had to work nights and days, she stayed in the other city with her then boyfriend and gave me the money during trips home, so I could pay rent, utilities, garbage, etc. Truly in this place I learned to be self sufficient and reliable. Also while there I learned how to be at peace with my own company. I had a routine every day I came home from school. Walk in the door, put the keys on the light switch, set my backpack down beneath it, take my shoes off and head into the bedroom to hang my coat. I'd turn on a radio station down low and let it permeate the house. Since it was Washington State, I'd open a window to let the fresh scent of wind, rain and pine needles aerate the space. Sometimes I would sit either in front of the balcony screen and feel the wind on my face if it was too cold outside or I full on went outside onto the balcony if it was warm enough. I remember watching tall trees swaying with the wind and feeling a sort of contentment I work hard to achieve when I'm not in Washington. It always starts in the belly and rises up like bubbles and triples in expansion until I want to somehow let it out. Usually it's dancing, when I'm alone singing and when I'm really alone, I howl. It's a most invigorating feeling.
On days when it's too cold it reminds me of christmas, or rather not the holiday itself per se, but the season changes that come with it. Like the orange leaves in october, the chill wind, rain, and pumpkins that permeate november and the beautiful dewy frost that signals the beginning of december. It's fantastic going out at 3am in the morning to stand and listen to the silence of the world, when you can hear a leaf fall or the scurry of some creature in the forest. Cold days also remind me of fireplaces, those dreaded things no one believes in anymore. I remember many a night when the balcony door would be open to air out the living room and it being freezing cold outside, but toasty warm inside. I remember sitting by the door with my cats on either side or snuggled up on a blanket in front of the fireplace. I recall the twinkling lights of a pretty tree and just feeling happy, whole and safe.
There's also one other memory that surfaces always the same. The water. There's a part of me that remembers a place, sort of a beach house maybe or a condo by the sea. I remember overcast gray skies and a light drizzle that is a signature of washington. I remember walking on the beach as the wind blew, and drizzle came down. I remember rows of beach houses to my left and ocean to my right. I feel like there is something important about this feeling this memory and want to recreate it somehow. To feel that contentment of living alone again, but also being warm. I feel like there's a part of my soul that isn't warm enough, that a cold icy wind blows through and I don't know what to do about it, but the sea dream makes me feel happy and warm. I want to be warm again.
Long ago I made a promise to myself that whether with someone else or alone, I want to be happy. I thought happiness was going to Scotland, or getting a degree, or writing. However, I finally realized writing this that my happiness is not traveling or writing or really having my own place. My happiness is being safe and warm and content. My happiness is in reflecting and remembering the places I truly felt warm and happy and safe. It's so easy to get so caught up in everything going on around me that I lose that happy, safe and warm place I've built up in my memories. Just cause it may not have a specific physical representation doesn't mean it shouldn't exist within my heart and soul. I miss people sure, specific people only, but I miss that place I carried in my heart more. I miss the creativity it brought and the absolution that love somewhere is real. I've only begun to realize I lost that soft space in my heart when I couldn't even read a book or watch a movie without some melancholy seeping in. I think I just need to remember my own inner love for myself and the life of happiness, love and warmth that I want. I must wrap myself in my own safety net and if I lose it again, hopefully I'll remember this blog. I hope I'll be able to come back and look at the simplicity of it all and feel content once more again. I found my happiness in my heart, I only hope people in my family will find theirs. 

Seize the day

For some reason the song Seize the Day by Avenged Sevenfold is playing through my head. As I'm on desk duty at work, I feel like spilling all my life and secrets on a digital platform. Hmm, what's been going on in my life so far? Well I found out that the Fibroid Cyst I have in my tummy is about 7 inches long and needs open surgery. So my summer adventure of going to San Diego and Seaworld is over before it began. Bummer. Ah the surgery, well I don't honestly know what to think about it. My family is practically in shock over my lackadaisical attitude over it. Especially as it will be my first surgery ever. However, my motto has always been, I'd rather be prepared and have information over an impending situation than go in blind. I know that the cyst is not cancerous, that the surgery will be pretty routine and it's not as dangerous because of the fact that it's not in my uterus (no hysterectomy, yay!). It's actually floating above the uterus and is only attached by a thin to medium thick stalk of muscle I suppose. It should only take 6 weeks to heal, though some say add on another two just in case and that it most likely will leave a scar. I already know it will involve needles, oh gods lots of needles and that there will be lots of pain. The only pain I've ever experienced was tendonitis of my upper left shoulder. I managed to grit my teeth and bear it, but this is like slicing pain. So I have no doubt I will be in a most foul mood for six weeks. I may need to write a note to my family to forgive my absolute horrible mood, especially if I can't eat regular food, but that's a hurdle to overcome once it gets there. No sense borrowing trouble.
Speaking of borrowing trouble. My sister, the second eldest is for some reason on this 'we need to find you a man' kick. I'm like psh so I can have a relationship like all the people in my immediate family no thank you. Then to add insult to injury, she's like I'm going to find you an older man, a veteran in the military....Those who know me understand that is a storm waiting to brew. Don't freaking get me wrong, I appreciate the military, but I don't appreciate their sense of entitlement. Like civilians should worship the ground they walk on. It's like first of all if the draft were still in effect most of us could do the same job you do, but we chose not to. Why? Because if you put the military in a perfectly realistic light, the slogan would be, we will lie to you to give up your lives, but actually we think you're expendable, we will give you one medal for your death and if you manage to live, we won't honor you, but spread propaganda so other people will. Everyone's all the military do this, these people don't. It's like oh really? So who's the peon who has to fly your family around so they can come see you when you're home hmm? You think the military alone built those houses you live in? Oh look at that poor peon who has to ring your groceries up, process your payments, be your bank. Civilians are worth more than the military wants to make us out to be. Sure we don't understand your insular society, though actually most of us do, but the military people do not understand or appreciate the support and uplifting that civilians do. When PTSD strikes a soldier, guess who's job it is to rebuild them so they can possibly be combat ready again, Social Workers. Are social workers soldiers, no? If a soldier is sent home and kills his family, who consoles and figures out that there's a chemical process to this and tries to prevent it in the future. Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Social workers. Who helps breed those canine buddies to take with the military with good bloodlines that won't turn too psychotic after the missions are over. Civilians. So yes I appreciate the military, but I have severe issues with them thinking that with no military, America wouldn't be able to do anything whatsoever to save ourselves. I dare them to imagine a world where there are no civilians to help them once they get back to their home base and see how well they do. Appreciate everyone, and stop putting one person on a pedestal above others. Not to mention most of those people in the military went in there because of a troubled past, promises of being able to attend school(university), being able to feed their families or whatnot. The military is a hodgepodge of people who felt they had no options left but to go into the military. My own sis went in there, she admits, because she felt that that was the only way to get ahead in life. She's afraid to die, but the temptation of a possible secure future for herself and her kids keeps her there. That and a now brainwashed misplaced idea of duty to one's country and she spouts the I laid down my life for my insurance, so you shouldn't tell me about you possibly dying from lack of insurance. It's like if it weren't for obamacare, lack of insurance might well have cost me mine. She better put things in perspective. So yeah no, if she puts me with a militant man who wants me to applaud his bravery for the rest of his life, he'd better darn well learn some respect for civilians first.
Which leads me to another thing, I have no clue why my sisters put up this front about caring. The second eldest doesn't expect me to actually miss her as a person and my other sis keeps telling my mom she'll call me and never does. Now I realize the phone works both ways, but honestly my eldest sister hasn't bothered calling or talking to me since she left last september. Occasionally she'll give a sentence or two on facebook, but overall, she's nonexistent. Now they're like come home now Hannah, stop playing with your health and it's like you both don't even know all of the facts. So hush it. The only person taking this pretty solid is my mom. I know she's worried, but she's trying to trust me to know what's right for me. So that makes me happy.
What's stopped making me happy is a lot of things. I don't mind watching movies, but I don't have the time, and I haven't read a book in months. I used to devour them like candy, but reading a book now is almost painful. I still revel in the elements, but don't have time to indulge in that either. I think my inner me is going I need out like now. Also winter has been keeping me in because it's too bitterly cold. It's not a friendly cold like in washington where I can be soaked by rain and still laugh. No this is like frostbite on your nose if your nose is exposed too long kind of cold. I sort of want to do something for fun, go somewhere for fun, travel for fun. Instead it's like duty to go to school, duty to get a job once I get home to pay for myself, then back to school. It's like the entire school year is duty to do homework whether I hate it or not. I think I'm just starting to chafe under being told what to do. I can't just do what I want to do, which is find a hill someplace warm, with a nice cool breeze and a grassy green hilltop. I want to lay down on a picnic blanket and gaze at the sky and count clouds like I used to back in high school during lunch. I can't just sit and write for hours or daydream about my house I want to build one day. Then add in this surgery and it's like fighting a losing battle.
I've always just wanted to be happy, but honestly I don't know what will make me happy anymore. I still like coming to work, but I don't like responsibility being put on me. I've known this for years, but I felt like since I had the skills of a leader, maybe I just needed a leadership role that fit me. Which is both true and false. I need to be my own leader, but in the human lifestyle I'd rather let someone else deal with the stress of the title of leadership to others. I don't want to lead others, because I honest to god cannot stop wanting to strangle people for their stupid mistakes and over dramatics. My gosh the dramatics of teens. There was one teen that just made me want to chuck her out a window somewhere. She posted like a million facebook posts about how she liked this guy and didn't know how to tell him or if she should. Then apparently she did and then she was like misery and despair, I can't show my face at school anymore. I don't want to go to school. My mom is threatening to call the police if I don't go to school, but I'm afraid of what he will say. I'm like lord in heaven, be for gosh darn glad I wasn't your mother, because I would literally drag you out the house and drop you on campus, whether you're in pajamas or not if you decide not to go to school over a guy, are you freaking serious? Then to top it all off, I was like well go to school and just be yourself. He won't mind if you like him, he may be flattered, even if he may not like you back. I gave a pep talk of, it's like if you didn't like a guy even though he was a nice guy and attractive. You wouldn't expect him to be afraid of you just because you declined a to date him. You'd expect him to be as friendly as before, if a bit bummed you said no, but it will happen a lot in life. Can't be attracted to everyone. She was like well I still don't want to go to school. Then proceeded to post a million more messages on her misery and despair of a guy not liking her and what he will say when she goes to school, So I unfriended her and washed my hands of that. I don't have patience for people who just want to complain for the sake of complaining.
To be honest, I've felt that dark rage building again of I hate the world and every living thing in it again. I'm trying desperately to find a balance again, but I'm just too tired to really care if I balance or not. I just want to destroy something. Maybe I need to take a demolition course or something. That'd be totally fun. However for now, I'm just going to go work on designing my house. I was going to say something about being optimistic since I got a hard drive, but I think I'm just two sides of a coin. Part of me is happy and content and part of me is bored and filled with rage and is tired of life.

Falling Star

I officially can't wait for spring break. I feel like I'm slogging through this semester and it's only been a month! Then again, being the super wolf that I am, I chose to not return home after the semester in Scotland.  I knew I had traveled far and wide before, but I need to touch base in Washington. If tickets were cheap, I'd go home over spring break. I miss my cat, my mom, my state and my room. I miss being surrounded by my stuff. I mean having my own room is nice and living in my own apartment with a roommate is awesome. Especially as I like my roommate. However, I've lost too many things already and I need a comfort hug just to remember it's all okay. I don't get to play anymore, even if it's online and silly it was something. Now I'm super serious about my degree, work, my agency project and taking on more responsibility than I'm not sure if I can handle.
Then there's the email...I emailed. Gave in, went back and wrote some asinine email asking for forgiveness and friendship back. However, I think it's too late. So far no reply, no yay nor nay. Then again it's only been like a week, but my brain thinks maybe just really did go full offline. In which case, it will be Alex all over again and just have to slowly but surely move on and try not to fall into the same pattern of distrust again.
Then there's this weird need to try dating thing going on. It's bugging the life out of me, because it's an idea that won't quit. Which don't get me wrong I'm all for trying, but honestly I do not know where or how. I successfully stuck myself in the least dateable environment I could find, then add in my inexperience, coupled with my inability to drop my personal shields and I'm not even chasing my tail. I'm looking at it contemplating if I should get up off my rump and chase it. I may just be a failure at living life lol. I can't keep great friendships without ruining them with obsession, I can't get a date, I overestimate my abilities. Welcome to life.
Another thing that frustrates me though is all the people asking me how does it feel to be independent. I'm like you know I've always been independent. I've been an independent type of person since I was little. I made choices that only an independent person could make. Just because one lives on their own doesn't make them independent and just because one lives with their mom doesn't make them dependent. I'd been learning how to live on my own since early 2000's when I got left in charge of a condominium to pay the bills and rent on time. My sister and brother didn't even have that chance until much much later. I made my own dinners, lunches and took care of myself then. I lived in TLP housing which helped me learn my way around independently for a year. I moved to florida, got a job and promoted and nearly into University There by myself. I fly all over North America to different cities, again by myself. I went to Scotland, overseas for the first time by myself. I ran into a crisis there and solved it, with the grace of god, but nonetheless it was done independently. So I feel like I've always felt being independent, because I wasn't dependent! If I wasn't too busy to argue and if I knew it wouldn't cause a shit storm a mile wide, then I'd correct the people who think my going to Scotland was suddenly their idea. It's like um yeah no it wasn't. College wasn't their ideas either. I fully intend to go back home, and live in Washington State and get a job there and have my mom in my life and possibly living with me or over for a lot of visits, cause that's what I want. I don't care about the futures they'd pick out for me.
Lastly, I feel like I'm living two lives. I feel like I'm still supposed to be able to walk down the street in Scotland, and catch the bus there, and do my own thing in Scotland, but I'm not there.  There was a scottish/irish combination dance at IDF(International Dance  Festival) this year. They were surprisingly good. I totally cheered loudly, but I need a break.
I need a break to sleep for one, and not stress. I would like a break in Boston. I love Boston but I haven't been able to visit as much as I'd like. Maybe a lovely hotel or motel for a few days. Go visit Boston Gardens and Aquarium, and eat dinner in Boston. Hmm maybe I should look up dates in Boston. Doesn't necessarily have to be a Maine living person. lol.
I'm tired, I don't know. I go sleepies. Sayoonara and Oyasumi nasai

Not well

Ugh, my head hurts. My neck also hurts, so I'm fairly sure I'm going to catch a cold soon. Not the flu, I don't have all the symptoms, but some sort of thing with a cough, mucus and stuffy nose and head. I hope it will pass quickly, but it's nice to have a heads up. However, My head really really hurts right now. Whenever I feel sick and low,  I feel the need to cuddle or curl up into a ball. It's absolutely terribly pathetic, but generally I just want someone to pet me and keep me warm until I'm able to bounce back. Usually I get mom cuddles and get to be her little cub, but in college it's more or less isolation until you're better. I want to lie down, watch movies and sleep and wish I could take some days out of school for it, but I dare not do that. Today was a snow day and if my procrastinating hadn't gotten so severe lately I'd be okay with a movie, soup and rest kind of day. However I got three chapters to read tomorrow and One lab chapter due and one pre lab due by 11am. It's now midnight. I'm so doomed. I wish I could really blame it on something, but it's really just that I don't feel like doing my homework. I have it all in my head, and some of these classes I don't see the point in them. I know in college they try to get you to think for yourself, but if it's not actually of interest to me and is just a mandatory prerequisite class I'd rather just have them tell me what to do or at least what I'm looking for. I hate microscopes and biology, because I never know what I'm supposed to be looking for. Other people are happy to be hands on, but I'd rather have something to look for and then when I find it, backtrack information of why is it like that, when did it form, how will this affect it and what will happen to the cell afterwards. However with my lab it's we have to find something to look at, pray it's actually something worth looking at and label an illustration when we have no clue what we're looking at. It's all very frustrating and my brain has suffered my decision.
I'm a social person, not always the right kind of social, but I'm sociable. I need positive people interaction and connections to feel motivated to do anything. I feel motivated in my social work classes, because they help us to be properly social and to work with each other as a future career field. We all have something in common, wanting to help others better themselves or to find a way to help themselves through resources and have a voice. Unfortunately you can't have a degree without prereq's of science and math and it's like I don't get science or math. My interest flags and suddenly my grades are falling. I may have to make an appointment with my old advisor/friend faith. Maybe she can help me find my motivation to do a good job. It may also be I took on too much responsibility this semester. I chose to do an 8 hour work day, which basically takes away one day out of the week for studying, I decided to accept my leadership positions and then I'm in charge of my research topic for my science class since my group mates are like whatever you choose we're with you.  There was a girl who stole my idea for herself without really asking and left me with a subject that doesn't have much research, so now I'll have to find a new biology topic by tomorrow and I'm like I don't know. Everything I'm interested in is a social science, not biology XD
Then I am happy being me. I created the environment, personage and whatever I want, but I want my soultwin back. I miss him a lot. I decided to email him and find some way to renew our friendship (Mostly by a compromise of just doing as we are), but then I remember he doesn't want to be online and when I sit to write the email, the feeling goes completely away, so I lose my muse to write a good strong hopefully short email and end up staring at a blank message until I have to do something else in my own life. I waffle back and forth, and mostly I keep it to myself. I'm not sure if it's just me anymore. I used to follow my instincts until I learned in some areas or when it comes to guys, they lie to me or I misinterpret what my instincts are saying. Lately, I've learned to spot the signs ahead of time. Such as had a guy who was super nice to me and very friendly and wanting to add me on facebook with quick acceptance, but he's married with a son. So it's like occasionally my signals get crossed and I mistake his kindness for interest, but it's blessedly getting less and less, so now I successfully am making guy friends without getting unhealthily attached and feeling more like a functioning member of society, instead of a quiet menace. I just hate it cost me one of my most favorite friendships to figure out I can do this whole don't speak to each other for months thing. In fact that's always the way it's been is that I learn to be a functioning member of society after I lose my close friendships. I found out that Alex only wanted to be friends and I was comfy with that the last day of school and never got to say goodbye to him. Then I scared him off, so there's no going back. Then wolf I got overly attached to as well and when he had to move and didn't come back, I thought he'd just walked away without telling me. So I severed the bond from him and funnily enough I don't really miss him. He helped me be aware that my wolf side is affectionate and there is a way to show it, but I didn't particularly want him, as I was still obsessing over Alex at the time and Wolf always made sure to let me know that I would only be a sex partner, never a girlfriend partner in his polyamorous relationships. It was sort of like if you want sex okay, I won't stop you, and not so much desire on his part. Then there's Z and our friendship. I'm only learning that I form unhealthy attachments to guys and need to back off sometimes only after I let him go.
Some days I imagine he'd feel as relieved as I would if I emailed him again, but then that asinine voice in my head goes why? I was close to him, but I honestly gave him nothing but grief due to my own insecurities. I fixed those now, with some duct tape, so it may hold longer, but I ask myself can I guarantee not to become angsty again, will I really be all right if we go back to being friends and don't talk, what will be in it for him to say yes to my continued friendship? He blames himself for so much and I don't want him to think it's his fault for anything. I just need socialization more and I just didn't know it. So it wasn't exactly his fault that he was being a normal online friend. I tend to want something the way I want it, when I want it and when I don't get it, I pout, whine, kick and cause a ruckus until I scare everyone aware or I alienate those closest to me. I don't know all this thinking is making my already aching head hurt worse, so I suppose I'll find out the answer, and get better and something else later on. Right now I need sleep and I'll figure out the homework tomorrow. Ciao for now.

Irked

This has only happened two times in my life, the first of which I was really bummed about because I really liked the guy and the second it was only an acquaintance, but still I don't understand the need for girls to act this way.What am I on about now? Well I'm talking about girls who give you highly unnecessary information for absolutely no reason whatsoever as far as I can tell. It might be jealousy, but I've got little exposure to that, cause most women do not see me as a threat or competition at all. They know by my gestures and interactions, that I'm in friendly mode, not predator mode. Yet two women I've met in my life decided it would be a great idea to mention to me that the guy was not interested in me, only in them. Which wouldn't bother me so much if they'd not waited until some time after having a conversation to mention this. Take for example Exhibit A:  Lauren something or other and my crush on a guy named Alex. I had put in the yearbook under my picture secret crush Alex, however I knew it wouldn't come out until like the end of the year and I wouldn't have to face rejection. Cowardly I know, anywho, Lauren worked for our school yearbook and apparently they got to my name really fast, because one day before going to a class that contained me, Her and Alex, she surprised me in the bathroom. I was just leaving or something and out of nowhere she was like Soo you like Alex huh? I about had a heart attack, cause I thought it was really obvious, so I asked how she knew and she told me she worked on the yearbook. I was like oh well  I plan to tell him eventually or something of the ilk. She made a somewhat encouraging reply, then she proceeded to tell me that he took her to the movies the day before we were having this conversation. I was like devastated, cause then I thought that meant dating (I have old fashioned ideas of dating) and that they were a couple. However, she didn't seem like she was trying to warn me off, but then again she didn't say outright I should go for it. She just told me that he took her out the day before and they sat in his car and talked, then she walked away.
Understandably I was a little puzzled as to why she'd be telling me this, especially as I hadn't asked and really hadn't meant to have anyone in on my plans to tell Alex I liked him just in case it ended in rejection. So instead I just chose not to tell him at all, because if he was after another girl, and I was painfully available and he must have known it, then obviously he didn't have those feelings for me. I just feel like maybe she could have not said anything and I could've had a chance to see what he would say. Either way there was no reason for her to divulge to me that I basically shouldn't consider him an option.
What reminded me of incident number one, since it has been 10 years since then is a recent incident with a girl who actually was a friend this time. I only knew Lauren in passing, but this girl I've known her a year and helped her with her on and off again relationship with a guy. In fact we'd gone for a girls night out based on helping her feel better about her off again time. They're now on again. However, me, her and my roommate went out to dance and maybe have a drink. She and I got a drink, but my roommate abstained and eventually bailed early due to a hectic schedule making her tired. Which I understood. Anywho, upon arriving at the pub, I noticed my friend making googly eyes at some guy and saying he was cute. I looked over (it was dim) and was like you know I think I know that guy. We decided to get a drink and then head back up. Upon which the guy came a lot closer and I did know him, so I smiled and waved and then he came over and was like Hannah that is you! He was like he didn't recognize me, but I looked familiar. I happened to be wearing my hair sort of down and straightened, which I've been told makes me look like I have a twin (which I don't have) because it changes my usually ponytail look drastically. Anywho, the guy came up and gave me a friend side hug, so I knew off the bat I wasn't his main focus. Then he called me old. Oh not in so many words, but it was like My gosh what are you doing out? As if I wasn't supposed to be out on a school night and not so late at a pub dancing. I felt like how a teacher would feel when a student runs into them out on a school night and not already in bed. I let it slide though and introduced him to both my roommate and my friend. He was very polite and was like he was out with his brothers (fraternity) and then he invited us all to go dancing. My friend was the first to be like let's do it, so I followed suit and so did my roommate. He immediately plastered himself to my friend and they hit it off while having fun.  I watched long enough to make sure he wasn't one of those grabby creeper drunks, but he was solid, so I turned my attention to trying to get my roommate to enjoy herself. Then I ran into oh say about 5 other friends I knew and we all started dancing and having fun. Occasionally, the guy and girl would come and dance with us and then they'd separate to plaster themselves to each other and I went back to getting my dance on.
Long story short, the night ended and my friend was staying at my place for the evening and so we sat and talked about how I knew him, how cute she thought he was and how nice and polite he was. So basically girl talk after meeting a guy I suppose. .It was the first time I'd had this happen, though she didn't know. Then we were contemplating what to eat or we had gone off the subject and then she was like I hope you know he only talked to you to get closer to me. She told me that while they'd danced he'd admitted that his friend hug to me was his 'In' so he could talk to her. She was like they were making googly eyes at each other from the beginning so I was his perfect opening. Then she fell silent. I was like I know, then I didn't say anything else. She went on to wax the moon about him and I didn't let it bother me so much, until later. It was sort of like was that really necessary to say that. She didn't say it, but it sounded a lot to me like she was saying he didn't actually want to talk to you, he just saw me and wanted to talk to me and just so happened to know you, so he found a way into our group using you. He didn't want you. I feel like um I know he didn't want me. He gave me a friend hug for petes sake, then spoke to me for all of 6 seconds on the dance floor before plastering himself to her and ignoring the world at large. It could not be any clearer where his interest lied if there was a neon sign above his head. So his lack of interest is not what bothers me and it's frankly nothing new, it's just her random need to almost make me feel like I shouldn't harbor any interest in him, cause he had none in me. I'm 99% sure that wasn't her purpose and maybe she said it to feel pretty and wanted after breaking up with her guy, but nonetheless it just irked me that she felt the need to make me feel unwanted in the process.
I felt like I needed to point out to her a few facts, which was that he and I had spoken briefly before and that he knew I was about 4 or 5 years older than him as both of us are considered non-traditional students. If he'd wanted to get to know me before we have class three days out of the week so plenty of time. She was like he's shy, which might account for why he'd not have indicated an interest in class, but it was also that he gave me a friend hug. There are two guaranteed subtle ways for a girl to know she's not wanted by a guy except as a friend. There is the friend hug, which guys say that they only hug a girl from the front to feel the pillow of her chest and gauge exactly how much they want to be interested in her. They only give the side friend hug, because they don't want to disrespect a friend or send mixed signals by giving a full frontal hug. I'm sure it's more than that, but it's a pretty sure fire way to tell if a guy is interested. Especially as on the dance floor he was okay giving my friend a full frontal embrace, but barely laid a hand on my shoulder before backing off. Then there's the dreaded buddy pat. This is when a guy bumps into you and you know him and he turns around, pats you on the shoulder and is like hey (buddy is implied, but they most often go with You) How's it going? They never wait for a reply, or they listen only half heartedly as they track that foxy female they're hoping to catch up with. This is often followed by It was good seeing you, as in they don't want to see you again anytime soon before they depart. So his signals showed no interest and I was possibly super friendly, but I often am if someone I know is being super friendly to me, alcohol induced or not. Either way I made sure not to give off any interest signals so it wouldn't get awkward. I'm a master of body language. Which brings me back to the why did she feel the need to say he wasn't interested in me except as a means to get to her, when I didn't ask and frankly I didn't care. I was high off a good night and she brought my energy low by bringing that up so awkwardly and I'm like how to respond to someone needing to boost themselves up by letting you know you were not that important in the grand scheme of meeting guys in pub. I knew I was at least 5 to 7 years older than most people there. I just wanted to dance and maybe have one drink, while surreptitiously playing DD(Designated Driver). I wasn't expecting to find romance and I hadn't known he'd be there at all, so it just bugs me. It's like if she needs to be the center of attention that much she can go dancing without me. Then again, I've fulfilled my role as friend counselor and she and her guy are on talking terms again, so she has no need to really contact me until something else goes wrong. So back to studying again I go. All studies, no playtime. Maybe I need to get a ball. I love balls, no pun intended. lol

The future

It took until this year to get a real good glimpse at what my future will behold and I must say I like it. I usually have horribly depressing blogs, but this one is about the new me or rather the me I can see inside, that just needs the right circumstances to reflect on the outside. This year has been a series of those circumstances though I don't know if it will last.
The future me will have her own apartment while she saves up to build her house. She will have a stable job where she can be promoted and feels motivated to wear the mantle of leadership. She will be confident in herself and in her clothing. She will have clothing that actually fits and not what's cheapest, although she will try very hard not to be frivolous or careless in her purchases. She will have money set aside, so if her friends ask her to go to a restaurant, club, pub or any combination in between she can say yes. She will have some funds for shopping for whatever she fancies or needs and know the various ways of transportation, whether by bus, train or car.
Her apartment will be relatively spotless though lived in and filled with various personal affects and her own color scheme. She will feel comfy in her living room, kitchen or her own room, depending on what mood she's in. Preferably future me will have more toys spread out across the floor for chasing, and a papasan chair with stuffed creatures across furniture, but one step at a time. She will like her neighborhood with a nearby store for small things and be friendly with both neighbors and possibly drivers of transportation as well. She will be able to have friends over to laugh, watch movies or go dancing with when she wants, barring any adult curfews. She will take her shoes off at the front door and have more easy to slip into slippers. The decor will be more japanese in style and comfy sofa's or futons acting as sofa's.
Preferably she'll have two desks, one in the living room and one in her own room.
There will be room for lots of sunshine or moonlight to come in and space to open said windows.

So far about 90% of that has already happened in my life and it's fantastic. I love it and hope that once the final plans are in motion it will come to be true. Preferably with maybe another pet roaming around. Something with not such a long lifespan. Maybe a rat, ooh ferrets! I'm a genius. I'd love a ferret. I also have the attention span of a gnat apparently. So yeah I like living the life I'm living now. Just take out schooling, add in martial arts and yes I do still intend to do martial arts. It's always been my intention and I will have my preferred lifestyle. I want peach colored sheets too, but they seem to be non-existent for some strange reason. Anywho, That's blog.

Maybe Someday

On days like this, with the sun up, a chill in the air and an hour of time in silence to wait, I wonder. I wonder about the environment I'm in, and the personal changes I chose to make. I wonder about my 7, 10 and rest of my life plans that I've implemented and the determination to stop liking guys who just can't see me in that way. Which of course is my own fault. Most of my friends would immediately go through denial and 'how could I know' questions, but only that question is valid. How could I know that when I was younger and saw how horrible women treated men and decided to be everything they're not, that it would render me incapable of receiving romantic love? Which the easiest answer is I didn't, otherwise I'd have been much more wise in choosing what I would not do versus what I would. I can't tell if a guy likes me or not if I want to be 100% honest with myself. I have feelings I feel. When I get around certain guys, it can be this intense gut wrenching energetic blow to the gut, or it can be a slow build up of attachment, until I realize the danger too late and am doomed. Then there's other guys who it feels and looks energetically like a hole in the air. Like imagine a dark landscape all around and smack dab in the middle is a white space that's void of any color. That is what it feels like when I think a guy doesn't like me as a friend. However, lately I've begun to wonder if it's not reading who likes me and who doesn't, but rather who I like and who I don't. When I put it in that context it changes the entire outlook on every guy I've ever met and had a reaction to. Even more in depth is that, with the intense feeling guys, when I think they wouldn't date me, it's not particularly because of instinct telling me that. More like it's that I don't think I could win a guys affection. I mean when it all comes down to it, dating is a competition. We'd like to think that we're all so sure of our motives for dating a person, but it generally always comes down to who you find attractive. It doesn't matter if they're shallow, kiss before you date or anything. For most of my adult life I had hopes that it would be different. That someone would see a mostly well balanced, makes good life choices and is fun girl and overlook the merely cute visage to actually want to date me. Yet instead every guy I've met who seemed a good judge of character has consistently chosen only beautiful or hot girls. It didn't matter to them that the girl could be a cheater or if she's overly flirtatious and leading them on, but doesn't really want anything from them because she's only on a rebound. It didn't matter if the girl could be compassionate or understanding of them. Nothing, but the attractiveness mattered and I must say that is soo disillusioning and disappointing. I had high apple pie in the sky hopes that as I matured maybe just maybe I'd have a chance. Then it happened again and it didn't bother me as it usually does, but it was because I'd come to expect it. My guy friend, but my friends leech for the night. Don't get me wrong, I am not excluded from that list. All my guys I've friend-zoned, I've not been attracted to.  How can I expect to have others deny attraction is a powerful factor if even I can't defeat it? It's just a vicious cycle and I'm determined to overcome this need to find someone and focus on my work.

Which would be ten times easier if I had something emotional to look forward to. My family and soul family are superb. I love them all more than words can express. They've been there for me and supported me as if there is never a doubt. I personally love being me. I love everything about my life, the ups and the downs. The problem is once someone has betrayed me or I felt like I'd been betrayed, that bond is shattered and broken. I'll be there for them, but they no longer have my trust nor my loyalty. I do it if I feel like it and if I don't then I feel no remorse about letting them down. This is what happened in my family and so therefore they are no longer close to me and that left an emotional void. My soul family sort of fills that void, but they have their own lives to live. To me, once they find a mate or do their own thing that weakens our bond as well, because I no longer feel I have priority in their lives. Which is as it should be. That is where a mate is supposed to come in. When your family, soul or bio are living their lives, you make a life with your mate. By yourself is fine too, but people need companionship. This is why people turn to pets to fill that emotional void in their life when family is not there and neither is a mate.

I personally miss my cat. She's no dog, but she is my little trooper. I hesitate to say familiar, but a lot of the times she's more in tune with energy than the dog is. She's my little buddy once I return home and hugging her makes me feel better. However the loneliness remains for something more, but with so much working against me, I mostly just resigned myself to possible future outings with no expectation of anything romantic. I have absolutely no qualms about buying myself stuff for valentines day and taking myself out on dates for my birthday and buying myself what I want around christmas. Mostly because the things I buy end up infused with my energy anyway. Also it means I can travel as much as I want to, though I'm drawing a blank on future places to visit. I know within the US, I'll travel, but there's no sense in having a passport and not visiting another country. I want to go back to Scotland, but I also sort of want to experience Italy, Canada, Greece, Prague and Possibly even Belgium though my friend and I aren't friends anymore. Everyone keeps regaling me with stories of their visit to Belgium and how lovely it is there and how they went to paris and it was crowded and how Belgium is a much slower pace. Toss in the possibility of Chocolate, dutch pancakes and various other foods and I'm in. Not to mention I now have a slight addiction to exploring castles. It is not true that when you see one castle you've seen them all. Some are more maintained, some are ruins, but they're perfect for roaming and adventure that beats in the heart of every wolf. I like the smells, the energy and whatnot. I also want a place by the water. I need water as an element near me.

Perhaps it will be a sooner than later trip. It's the first time I've talked myself into traveling after all this traveling did me in this year. I'm ready to go to Washington and relax for a few months. My Doni sis may be visiting this summer. Hopefully around Blue Angel time :D Yeah that's blog for today.

Blue

For some reason tonight, I've come down with a serious case of the blues. Mostly it's just feeling lonely and a wee bit disconnected. My roommate is doing her thing right now, and I think I might have isolated her a bit by explaining I might be rather anti-social with her fella who's coming in April to visit from England I think. I was only trying to explain to her that I wouldn't be trying to be rude or not like her guy by my hiding in my own room. It's just it will be a stranger and they're sort of doing some online dating thing is my guess. It's sort of like dating does not invite a third wheel. So mostly I give people space when they have someone like that in their lives, so they can really connect.  It's both a respect thing and a reticent to warm to new people thing. I'm sociable wolfy, but I have moments of skittishness. :S

The disconnect is also that I have work, I have classes that are actually working towards my degree, I have japanese all available around the house, I have books and movies, and I'm super busy with homework. Yet despite all this I'm not motivated worth a damn to do anything but lie down and stare at my ceiling or lie down period and maybe have a cry. Bleh. I don't understand it. Just don't feel right tonight.

I made a 7 year plan, of which I'm currently in year 2, and I made a 10 year plan to follow the achievement of the 7 year plan, and then I made a rest of my life plan after I achieve, the first 17 years worth of planning. Possibly less. I've gone to Scotland. I've really honestly well and truly accomplished more than I ever thought I could, but it mostly means nothing. I'm just doing stuff cause I have to. I can't live without a job, so I go to College to get a degree to get a job. I sit in class and I focus and I work hard, but all the while I'd rather be sitting somewhere in sunshine with a laptop open and me just typing for hours or reading for hours. I want to be able to go to a coffee shop and soak in the atmosphere. This life would have me racing a million miles and I just want to stroll. There are days when I do want to be super busy, but it's honestly just to drown the thoughts in my head. They're there everyday, so many reminders of loneliness, pain and regret, of rage so deep and frustration so keen and I can never get rid of them. Then there's the bane of my existence of false hopes, of wanting things I'm trying so desperately to give up and not need again.

So far I'm failing miserably at everything. I'm trying so hard to be just happy and I'm not more often than I am. I don't know the answer, I don't know the key, which is true of 100% of the world but people want what they can't have. I've isolated out what I can't have and trying to give it up and fulfill the time with other things I want, just not as much as what I really want.

For the life of me, all the jobs, classes, family and friends in the world cannot replace just wanting to be held for just a moment.  Just to finally let down all the years of built up defenses and to really truly and well believe someone when they tell me it's okay, someone else is taking charge. I won't have to be the sole person there for so many people, I won't have to work on not expressing myself, because so many people don't understand. It's like yeah I have my true self always forward, because I want people to take me as I am, but there is a vulnerable part reserved for just one person alone and I haven't found them. I honestly doubt they exist, but every now and again in silence, I just wish for once I could be a person to just choose anyone to hold me, to pet me and kiss my head and say you're all right, I'm here and not going anywhere. I'll watch over you. It has to be believable or It won't matter and that's the problem in a nutshell. No one says that anymore, no one truly cares that deeply about someone else to be that knight in dim armor, with a lot of dings and bruises on their own, but willing to be yours alone.

Some days I love reading and other days I curse the day I ever picked up a first semi-romantic book that planted that thought of something like that could happen in real life. It doesn't and it's what I cannot bury no matter what I do. So I write blogs, purge it into the pensieve and seal the thought and leave it for the next time I'm attacked by the blues.

Fade Away

Seether
Fade Away

I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

I wanna be there when you cry
And when you’re down I’ll help you fly
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh

But I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
And I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

Early mornings are good for only one thing. Reflection. Well, that is, if  you happen to be sitting in a library at 10am in the morning to work. Which I am. I love my job, and I had a great night out at Oronoka dancing with my friends although I abstained from drinking on behalf of a very painful headache. Which dancing, loud music, shouting to be heard, etc. wasn't the best cure (Food was) I was surprisingly tolerant of it. I was all proud when the songs I chose by request got the most people out on the dance floor and hyped up the vibe in the place. I wasn't exactly fully immersed in the experience, but it was fun. So why the title of one of my favorite songs? Well for one I woke up and that ache was back. I know getting over people takes a long time, but it's always seeing the person's face everywhere that gets you. Now I know I never met Z face to face, but I ran across some pictures in my massive repertoire while looking for pictures for a montage of my niece for her birthday. I don't know if that was the cause of it, but as I danced and the lights strobed, I thought I saw him yesterday, but I knew he wasn't there and yet I felt like a part of me searched anyway. There was a moment of silence in every second since that I wished he could've been there. I wished we could've ate, and hung out and had a good Friday night. I wished he could've stood beside me shivering as we waited for a cab in the cold, and mused on all the food we wanted post dancing. I wished we could've laughed at something silly and maybe sat up and talked a bit before going to bed. Separate beds of course. There's a ball of aching want sitting in the pit of my stomach as there has always been, and it's because I've really always wanted him by my side and I still do honestly. There's a million reasons I've gone over in my head why I said goodbye, and 99% of it is on me. Mostly because I didn't understand exactly how much he'd entrenched himself in my life and a lot of it is I didn't understand him. We talked, but we never had a lot of times where we could go in depth and honestly I never knew what to ask. I mean if someone poses that question of ask me anything and I'll answer, it sort of stalls your brain with the possibilities. Then immediately it's like what can I ask that's not too nosy at first, then it's what is relevant to what's going on in your life. It's also I hate prying in other people's lives, especially my friends. I'm close to people, but I try to leave that room to retain their own individuality and often that means I don't ask the questions I should. It's also that I still have the mentality that everyone should be like me. I didn't realize until recently that I kept pushing and pushing the poor man, because I wanted him to change to be like me. Sometimes I have too high of opinion of myself and it being reinforced by techniques that have worked with various friends, means I always thought my way was the right way. My way is no middle ground. Middle ground leads to regrets and I wanted no regrets. So everything in my life had to be black or white. Z was gray, or silver if you want a distinguished color to it and he refused to be anything but that. It literally drove me nuts, because I was dealing with an unknown, a not absolute. I didn't know if he'd absolutely stay in my life or not, I didn't know if what I felt for him was more than friends or just friends, I didn't know if I wanted to visit him or not. It was just my brain fried when it came to Z, because I couldn't understand him. Which is the 1% that was only part of his personality is that sometimes he tended to not explain why he was gray. I may have a better idea why after speaking to another demonkin on neutrality of emotions, but I wanted to hear that from Z. Probably as much as Z wanted to know why I was so wildly emotional. One minute I was simpatico cool, then I was raging with angst. Mostly it was all because I wanted to mean as much to him as he did to me and whenever I wanted him to pick black or white on the subject, he blended the colors and made gray. For the longest time I didn't understand why there was a need to have that gray area, but I suppose for him it was as he said. He takes a while to make decisions. He takes a while to fall in love, and takes a while to trust someone and takes a while to decide on certain actions. I've never had to make a really tough decision without my instincts until I met him and they went suspiciously haywire. Usually I'm the epitome of calm, controlled, decisive action, but with Z, I didn't know whether to hold on tight as possible or to let go. It was Z who showed me that I always have a third option that could lead to more possibilities. I could've kept Z for as long as I wanted, lots of communication or not, if I'd accepted that third possibility. I'd always had that third possibility, because Z was in my life and I was in his and it just was our friendship. There was no need to explain it, to determine how long it would last, what it had to mean to me and others. For the longest time Z fought for our friendship, until there was no fighting my own insecurities and conviction that everything had to be absolutes. That Z had to fit one mold or another, instead of being his own. Everyone keeps telling me I'll find another friend, that I'll connect to someone else, or that he'll always be special, but if I move on then soon it'll be just a pleasant memory. I keep trying to tell myself that too. Yet as I talk to new people, new guys, new friends, even as I'm open to dating and still hopeful of finding someone I'll click with, there's still Z right there with me. I don't want him to fade away like Alex, or wolf or Aaron or the others I liked, but I never connected with. I didn't bond with them and yet I severed the one bond I wanted for as long as I'm alive if I had my way. It wouldn't have to always be strong, and I wouldn't always need him there, or at least I'd try. Jaguars can't change their spots overnight. I've almost sent an email asking him to make a compromise, but then I read our last two emails sent and received and ask myself am I really that selfish? What if he's better off not worrying about the tangles of being online, What if he's found his corner of Zen that we've both been searching for our whole lives? Is it really fair to try to start up something again, when I know it can be tiring and disheartening to be around me at times. Such as irony of the moment, I realized that I'm always trying to convince him of something and he doesn't see it, when he's been trying to convince me of something this entire time too and I don't see it. So it's like hit and miss.*sighs* I just want my soul twin back V_V I don't feel complete or content without someone who says they understand and means it. My friend called the other day and was talking about how we're family, we're blood even though we're not biologically related and I was like I still have my family, but I'm missing one key member. Z. In the end to email or not to email is still the question.

Wishy Washy

I've come to the conclusion that I am the most wishy washy person in the universe. It occurred to me last night while trying to sleep that I make drastic decisions, and then I execute a plan to give an absolute answer and then I regret my decision immediately and then cannot go back. Or rather I can't find a way back. It's sort of like darn I need to be less effective at executing plans that seem smart and better for my well being and others at the time, but well I can't say it's not, it's more like I don't know what it is.

I've run into that mercurial world known as prospective dating again. I finally decided to go back online to a therianthropy group and there was a guy who seemed interesting. I felt that little pull I always do, but on an intensely smaller scale thankfully. However, said guy eventually made a post aimed at lone wolves and as myself and one other person(who was a male) were really the only two loners in the group, once I responded, it sort of sealed the deal of an invitation to privately talk by pm. I was fine with it, added him as a friend and whatnot and we spoke for a few hours. Mostly it was a very clear if I wanted to, he may have considered dating me sort of thing that it lead up to.

Unfortunately, my need to mate have both regressed to near nonexistence and accelerated to where it's like yeah anyone will do. However, I still can't accept just being a cuddle buddy. The guys pitch was, I'm divorced, you're fun, you're single, you're a wolf therian, I'm single, and a wolf too. We should get together just because. It seemed so shallow, but then I realized what if that is dating? I mean isn't that the point of people going to clubs is to meet someone who seems fun and date them to see if there's something more?

Then I made a huge faux pas I didn't know was a faux pas. I thought well we've only known each other for a few hours, so maybe it takes time to really go about this dating thing. So I just said well it's nice to have met a new friend. His response didn't sound encouraged, actually I think it ticked him off just a bit. He was like friend? And every response after, he kept tacking on friend like it was a derogatory word. Then the next day, he was like Hello Friend and that was about the time he just stopped talking to me. Perhaps I have this dating thing backward, but I thought we could at least be friends, but apparently not. I was kind of bummed, but it wasn't that much of a thing to reflect on. If anything, I think I was more freaked out by the prospect of having someone actually interested and like oh my gosh what do I do? I tried to access my repertoire of what normal people do and was like blast, they all just were dating one day. There was no leading up to dating that I could have observed and copied. I just plain felt absolutely inadequate to handle such a situation.

I was trying to buy myself time, so I could figure out how to handle it, but apparently the interest was just I need a warm body, you're a warm body, that's all that matters. I think he immediately found another warm body to try to pitch his proposal to. Maybe she'll figure it out and respond the correct way.

As for me, I've come to the conclusion I sorely need practice, but if it happens that fast, I don't think there's a way to get practice unless someone can understand I'm just stumped. You'd think it'd be an easy question, but it's rarely phrased in such a way.Which leads me back to the purpose of this blog is that I am looking to get practice, least I feel I'm in an outgoing enough mood and emotional space to try it without too much of an emotional backlash, but I came to college to live on campus so that I'm surrounded by young people I absolutely refuse to date or who I feel too old to date. I wanted to deter myself from looking anymore when I decided on celibacy for the duration of my life. However, now I'm like could look and instead everyone is 17-24 and you'd think being only about 4-5 years older wouldn't be much of a difference, but it is! Not to mention it's like watching the dance of attraction is more amusing than I would like to join in.

Add in my completely oblivious nature to such things and it's like I've come to the conclusion I'm doomed. I can't find a way around it. I know there's a solution, but it's like there's a solution to a rubiks cube and even following step by step instructions I cannot figure it out. Then I realized that with my friendships, I am a subtle control freak. So subtle that I don't even notice I'm aiming for control, until I've destroyed said friendship beyond all recognition to what it was. I deal in absolutes. I don't like middle gray areas. They confuse me, so I force everyone around me to choose, black or white. Not skin color, but one extreme or the other. I don't like people to be in between. Unfortunately it's only in hindsight that I really see that I've done this in every last one of my friendships. Most of my friends do fall in one category or another and that makes me happy, but it also means that they don't mean less, but that I don't have to focus on them so much as when people refuse to be put in one area or another.

Which leads to my overall conclusion that I am the wishy washiest person on earth. I want what I cannot accept and if I cannot accept it, I get rid of it. It works when you have negative people in your life, but it's a bad situation when you're trying to figure out the important positive people in your life.

I don't know where this thought was going. I started this blog like two days ago, thinking I'd have internet by Saturday, but then I wasn't able to get our kit to hook up the internet and my roommate wasn't able to do so either, so instead I had to wait until Monday when buses ran and I had work to finish this blog. So most of the thought processes are like what was I thinking about? XD I swear sometimes myself and I do not get along. Thankfully there is a lovely meditation focus class beginning tomorrow. So meditation to align my brain it is. Ciao for now and feel free to add comments my Doni sis :) And whoever keeps plus 1'ing as well if it's not just google doing so XD

Music of the soul

Although it's not word for word my exact sentiments lately, the entire chorus is a reflection of my inner thoughts recently. The words 'I can't take back the words I never said' hit particularly deep and lodged themselves as a loop because over the course of my life, making decisions on my own there have always been words I've never said. I don't exactly have that many regrets, but the things that I do are exactly that I wish I could've said more. So mostly the lyrics are my blog contribution. This song nor the lyrics belong to me. ;)

 SKYLAR GREY LYRICS
"Words"

Always in a rush
Never stay on the phone long enough
Why am I so self-important?
Said I'd see you soon
But that was, oh, maybe a year ago
Didn't know time was of the essence

So many questions
But I'm talking to myself
I know that you can't hear me any more
Not anymore
So much to tell you
And most of all goodbye
But I know that you can't hear me any more


Chorus
It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
And as I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I never said
I can't take back the words I never said

Always talking shit
Took your advice and did the opposite
Just being young and stupid
I haven't been all that you could've hoped for
But if you'd held on a little longer
You'd have had more reasons to be proud

So many questions
But I'm talking to myself
I know that you can't hear me any more
Not anymore
So much to tell you
And most of all goodbye
But I know that you can't hear me any more


Chorus
It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
And as I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words

The longer I stand here
The louder the silence
I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear
Your voice when the wind blows
So I talk to the shadows
Hoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know







Chorus
It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
And as I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I never said
I can't take back the words I never said
Never said
I can't take back the words I never said

New Mantle

For the longest time I've been encouraged to become a leader. I've been placed in temporary leadership roles to see how I would and asked a dozen times to be an alpha or to teach others. I've always abstained from being a leader or placed in such a role, because of an irrational fear few know I have. Somehow I got it into my head as a pup, that being a leader is like being a military leader. That others lives are in my hand and depend on me to make the right choice. Sometimes it will bring a military leader and their troop to victory and sometimes, most regrettably that choice will cause the loss of life. I never wanted to be responsible for the loss of lives ever again, although this lifetime I've never been near a battlefield or even in a fight. Finally, after Scotland, I had a Social Work class that I volunteered to be a leader. Well, okay not exactly. My professor said she chose 7 owners for imaginary agencies and before she told us the names, did any of us think we would make good owners. I like to move class time along, so I volunteered fourth after it was clear that she wanted up to 7 people to volunteer. She then told us to go to the front of the class and tell people why they should work for us as social workers. Then she said we were officially the new owners of a nonexistent agency. It was up to us to hire four employees, and for our employees to choose to work for us. We had to appoint CEO's and delegate positions to new employees. Then we had to come up with a name, policies, a group our agency would target for selling ideas to, etc.

My group was actually going to name me Owner and CEO of the agency, but we weren't sure if it was okay, so I appointed a volunteer CEO and our agency became known as Countries Apart, but never by the heart. My CEO came up with that. Although it's a fake idea, it sort of was like stepping back into a role that was made for me. I was a little nervous at first, because I didn't know if anyone would choose to interview me for a job, but once everything was settled, I felt better. Like ah leadership my old friend. Then I went to my job at the library to work out a new schedule and hours for the semester and my boss told me that he wanted me to take on a supervisor role. Again it's minor and just for students, but basically I'm going to be given more responsibility to fulfill the Student Supervisor role. Once again, I wasn't freaking out like I usually would be. I was happy to be back at work and surprisingly I haven't forgotten nearly as much as I thought I would. I feel calm, cool and collected in both leadership roles that were sort of presented to me and I could have declined them both, but I think I want to try to be a leader more often these days.

I don't know where it will lead in the long run. It's a position that I don't take lightly, because I have a slight tendency to consider myself all powerful in my domain after a while, but I think these small positions of donning a new mantle will be fine. So hopefully we'll see how it goes.

A clue!

Well what do you know, the guy I'd been avoiding due to a falling out a year or so ago, provided information that I didn't know and if it's true, it provides a sort of answer to a long standing question. See I'd come to Scotland trying to figure out a memory. When I first awakened as a wolf therian I had this memory of a place with a river rock wall, cobblestone streets and a forest and me standing under a street light looking at something in my hand. Through a series of things, mainly meeting a vampire and dragonkin, I ascertained that I was standing beneath an old fashioned lamp post with light illuminating me. To my left was a meadow that led to a forest with pine trees or firs. The moon wasn't full, but it was nearly full with clouds wisping by. To my right was a river rock wall that ran up further behind me up a hill into darkness and in front of me  leading down and naturally curving to the right, eventually leading to a T section street. To the left it stretched out with only one house obscuring the view and to the right there were more houses with triangular roofs. In front of the T section there was a river and I'm sure a bridge that led over that. Either way I was standing beneath it looking at a gold grandfather watch or pocket watch. It was ticking away and I got the feeling I was waiting for someone. Hoping they'd appear and it would absolve me of what I had to do. However, after waiting an indeterminable amount of time, memory me sighed, put the watch back in my pocket and resolutely walked down the street knowing I was aiming for one of those houses to the right. I feel like the guy was supposed to meet me to keep me from harming someone he cared about, however due to him not showing up, I had no choice but to do as I was bade or what I came to do. Not sure.
Anywho, speaking to a demonkin person and he explained to me that demons and fae abound in and from Scotland in not droves, but darn close enough. That often there were deals made with demons for one reason or another and that scotland is sort of protected by a pact or circle of some kind. It made an interesting sort of connection that my memory of not making a deal, but well having a deal that if this guy would do this, then I would provide protection or do something for him and him breaking the deal so I couldn't do anything for him. It almost makes a sort of sense.
Like if I'd told the guy that I could protect his family from the deal he either broke or contemplated breaking then it would explain my waiting around at like the crack of midnight, hoping he'd come through, but he never did. I don't know what happened to him. I have another dream of being inside one of those houses and all heck breaking loose, but no clue if I wrote it down as a dream journal or not. It makes me think of my soul twin and if perhaps he had something to do with it and maybe doesn't know or remember. Hmm, so many possibilities. Must tell my soul sis. Finally a clue in the mystery that shrouds my past. :D

Moving on -Chronicles of Z part 1

Some days are better than others and some days just suck. I've tried my best to try to view it all in a positive light, but so long as I do that, I can't let go. I know I should delete the contact, erase all traces and lock away every email and IM of the past six years to finally move on, but I just can't. It's complicated to erase someone who was soo close to your heart and a part of your every day life as if they never were. It's hard not being able to reference to the two most important people you'd met thus far in your 28 years of life. I think to myself, why on earth did I choose before the holidays to end it? Couldn't I have waited a few months longer? But then the answer everyday stares me back in the face and the question returned is what is the difference? What did I want? What did I expect? Then I remember I expected nothing in the beginning. I just followed a feeling, but now I've learned that feeling has betrayed me. I don't even know what that feeling is or what causes it. So did I indeed create my only regret? The answer is yes. It got twisted and complicated, until there was no telling up from down, only so much feeling. This is in homage to my only regret and it will be long, but I need to purge it from my system and move on.

When I first met him, I didn't know how important to me he would be. He was on a different forum and had a girlfriend at the time, my friend and I joined. I think there was maybe one post that he even responded to that long time ago in 2005. During that time on the forum, I felt that feeling. It's sort of a mix between longing and a rush of adrenaline. Something that invades every part of my being and makes me know something is interesting about that person. However at the time I was fairly sure I was intimidated as the only admin I knew was my friend BR and other admins tended to be jerks. I didn't think he'd be a jerk, but I figured he wouldn't be very open to talking to someone like me. I'd gotten a wee bit of a glimpse into his life, his relationship with the girl he'd been with then and his connection to my friend who was supposed to be like a soul sis to him. However, Job Corps at the time and my passing fancy with Wolf kept me from attaching to him and it'd be another year or so before I even ran into him again.
Sometime in 2007, he joined the forum ran by my friend BR and sort of co-overseen by myself and another friend SN. Which just means we tried to make sure it had posts. hehe. I again was distracted mostly because I was in a transition phase. I'd just met a group of vampires, otherkin and therians at a gathering. I'd spoken to one of the members of the Grove about a situation in her life she was having, but I realized I didn't really make an effort to know what was going on in other people's lives, although I posted tons of rants, I was still very much closed off. So in the spirit that happens after a successful gathering, I wanted to really be friends with the people on the Grove, not just acquaintances. Indeed I'd sort of already spoken to the other members, but not him. He, I felt threatened by in every way possible. Being a wolf makes one very territorial and to me it was my territory being invaded and it was either challenge this new person to get him to leave or befriend him and make an ally. I recall there was a post about er some sort of explicit topic and it made me both attracted and intrigued to the new guy. So one day  I messaged him to become friends. From then on thus was born my friendship with Z...
Yeah right, it was more like I'd begun speaking to him. I was overjoyed for a new friend, but terribly rough around the edges, pushy and well a wolf. I'd gotten most of my online etiquette from the vampire house I hung out with. They were always challenging each other, telling terrible jokes, and just in general like a family where you get to be yourself and have occasional meetings. So I took all that energy and focused it on Z. I'm truly and honestly surprised he stayed my friend as long as he did. I was a serious brat or as much as one can be online. However, I also followed my code of friendship, which is to be the best friend you can be and be there for people and never let them feel alone. I tried to make sure to respect boundaries and keep most of my opinions to myself in the beginning. I didn't think it was going anywhere, because we were completely separate people. At the time he was all serious and I'm so old and the mountain does not bow no matter how hard the wind blows. I was like play time? Let's play! Ball, ball, who has a ball!? With the occasional serious opinion thrown in on the mutual forum the grove. I figured six months to a year and we would be done being friends.
However on my birthday of that year he did something unexpected. Or to me it was unexpected as I was pretty much counting down the time until we wouldn't talk again, assuming he would get fed up with me as so many others did. Instead for my 22nd or 23rd birthday he gave me his loyalty, for when I needed a friend and even there when I didn't think I needed a friend. Such a simple thing, but to me it was the best most powerful birthday present I had ever been given. For years I'd searched high and low, far and wide for someone who understood the code of a warrior, and the meaning of giving one your loyalty. A vow that is never given lightly and not meant for just fickleness. To me, being given loyalty was the finding of a kindred soul. I wanted to cherish it in a picture frame and refer back to it time and again as if it was the holy grail. It was pure magic in its simplest form and he had no idea the trouble it would cause him. Nor did I, because I didn't realize I was really starting to like him as more than a friend until a little while later.
Now, I may have created my own downfall in being attracted to him, but it was mostly because my friend had a horrible time saying no and I was very very good at pushing him in the right direction. I don't know if in the beginning he was ever attracted to me, or if I'd just kept slapping down the idea so much there was no option left but to choose it. He didn't recall, but there was a time when he said if I had lived closer, he might have considered dating me. Upon which I determinedly was like eh I'm a nomad and my family expects me to fall for a foreigner anyway, so I could move. I don't think it was an actual offer, just my own heart took it that way. I did try to stop it, to grab it back and squash out the flame of desire that had already been borne. I remember discussing it in the early days of our friendship. My not so useful around him, hypothetically speaking speech came into play about something with attraction and he saw right through it to me being the one attracted to him. Of which he did let me down easy and I tried to backpedal hard, but it was tough going.
Even then I thought he'd finally walk away and I wouldn't have to worry anyway, but he stayed. He literally has the patience of a saint, cause I'd have beaten myself a long time ago or ditched me if I were in his shoes. I had gotten used to the vampire house etiquette, of one person offers this about themselves and then the other person offers up something about themselves and have a lovely conversation.  However, Z did not follow that etiquette. I will say he was open, but only if you can think of the right questions to ask at the time. I was terrible at thinking of questions. I always felt like I was intruding and being nosy anytime I asked a friend something. I figured it'd come up sooner or later so why try to extract it from them first?Which is about where we started having communication issues.

To be continued, Part 2 and the end to follow in the next day or so....