Some days are better than others and some days just suck. I've tried my best to try to view it all in a positive light, but so long as I do that, I can't let go. I know I should delete the contact, erase all traces and lock away every email and IM of the past six years to finally move on, but I just can't. It's complicated to erase someone who was soo close to your heart and a part of your every day life as if they never were. It's hard not being able to reference to the two most important people you'd met thus far in your 28 years of life. I think to myself, why on earth did I choose before the holidays to end it? Couldn't I have waited a few months longer? But then the answer everyday stares me back in the face and the question returned is what is the difference? What did I want? What did I expect? Then I remember I expected nothing in the beginning. I just followed a feeling, but now I've learned that feeling has betrayed me. I don't even know what that feeling is or what causes it. So did I indeed create my only regret? The answer is yes. It got twisted and complicated, until there was no telling up from down, only so much feeling. This is in homage to my only regret and it will be long, but I need to purge it from my system and move on.
When I first met him, I didn't know how important to me he would be. He was on a different forum and had a girlfriend at the time, my friend and I joined. I think there was maybe one post that he even responded to that long time ago in 2005. During that time on the forum, I felt that feeling. It's sort of a mix between longing and a rush of adrenaline. Something that invades every part of my being and makes me know something is interesting about that person. However at the time I was fairly sure I was intimidated as the only admin I knew was my friend BR and other admins tended to be jerks. I didn't think he'd be a jerk, but I figured he wouldn't be very open to talking to someone like me. I'd gotten a wee bit of a glimpse into his life, his relationship with the girl he'd been with then and his connection to my friend who was supposed to be like a soul sis to him. However, Job Corps at the time and my passing fancy with Wolf kept me from attaching to him and it'd be another year or so before I even ran into him again.
Sometime in 2007, he joined the forum ran by my friend BR and sort of co-overseen by myself and another friend SN. Which just means we tried to make sure it had posts. hehe. I again was distracted mostly because I was in a transition phase. I'd just met a group of vampires, otherkin and therians at a gathering. I'd spoken to one of the members of the Grove about a situation in her life she was having, but I realized I didn't really make an effort to know what was going on in other people's lives, although I posted tons of rants, I was still very much closed off. So in the spirit that happens after a successful gathering, I wanted to really be friends with the people on the Grove, not just acquaintances. Indeed I'd sort of already spoken to the other members, but not him. He, I felt threatened by in every way possible. Being a wolf makes one very territorial and to me it was my territory being invaded and it was either challenge this new person to get him to leave or befriend him and make an ally. I recall there was a post about er some sort of explicit topic and it made me both attracted and intrigued to the new guy. So one day I messaged him to become friends. From then on thus was born my friendship with Z...
Yeah right, it was more like I'd begun speaking to him. I was overjoyed for a new friend, but terribly rough around the edges, pushy and well a wolf. I'd gotten most of my online etiquette from the vampire house I hung out with. They were always challenging each other, telling terrible jokes, and just in general like a family where you get to be yourself and have occasional meetings. So I took all that energy and focused it on Z. I'm truly and honestly surprised he stayed my friend as long as he did. I was a serious brat or as much as one can be online. However, I also followed my code of friendship, which is to be the best friend you can be and be there for people and never let them feel alone. I tried to make sure to respect boundaries and keep most of my opinions to myself in the beginning. I didn't think it was going anywhere, because we were completely separate people. At the time he was all serious and I'm so old and the mountain does not bow no matter how hard the wind blows. I was like play time? Let's play! Ball, ball, who has a ball!? With the occasional serious opinion thrown in on the mutual forum the grove. I figured six months to a year and we would be done being friends.
However on my birthday of that year he did something unexpected. Or to me it was unexpected as I was pretty much counting down the time until we wouldn't talk again, assuming he would get fed up with me as so many others did. Instead for my 22nd or 23rd birthday he gave me his loyalty, for when I needed a friend and even there when I didn't think I needed a friend. Such a simple thing, but to me it was the best most powerful birthday present I had ever been given. For years I'd searched high and low, far and wide for someone who understood the code of a warrior, and the meaning of giving one your loyalty. A vow that is never given lightly and not meant for just fickleness. To me, being given loyalty was the finding of a kindred soul. I wanted to cherish it in a picture frame and refer back to it time and again as if it was the holy grail. It was pure magic in its simplest form and he had no idea the trouble it would cause him. Nor did I, because I didn't realize I was really starting to like him as more than a friend until a little while later.
Now, I may have created my own downfall in being attracted to him, but it was mostly because my friend had a horrible time saying no and I was very very good at pushing him in the right direction. I don't know if in the beginning he was ever attracted to me, or if I'd just kept slapping down the idea so much there was no option left but to choose it. He didn't recall, but there was a time when he said if I had lived closer, he might have considered dating me. Upon which I determinedly was like eh I'm a nomad and my family expects me to fall for a foreigner anyway, so I could move. I don't think it was an actual offer, just my own heart took it that way. I did try to stop it, to grab it back and squash out the flame of desire that had already been borne. I remember discussing it in the early days of our friendship. My not so useful around him, hypothetically speaking speech came into play about something with attraction and he saw right through it to me being the one attracted to him. Of which he did let me down easy and I tried to backpedal hard, but it was tough going.
Even then I thought he'd finally walk away and I wouldn't have to worry anyway, but he stayed. He literally has the patience of a saint, cause I'd have beaten myself a long time ago or ditched me if I were in his shoes. I had gotten used to the vampire house etiquette, of one person offers this about themselves and then the other person offers up something about themselves and have a lovely conversation. However, Z did not follow that etiquette. I will say he was open, but only if you can think of the right questions to ask at the time. I was terrible at thinking of questions. I always felt like I was intruding and being nosy anytime I asked a friend something. I figured it'd come up sooner or later so why try to extract it from them first?Which is about where we started having communication issues.
To be continued, Part 2 and the end to follow in the next day or so....
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