I've come to the conclusion that I am the most wishy washy person in the universe. It occurred to me last night while trying to sleep that I make drastic decisions, and then I execute a plan to give an absolute answer and then I regret my decision immediately and then cannot go back. Or rather I can't find a way back. It's sort of like darn I need to be less effective at executing plans that seem smart and better for my well being and others at the time, but well I can't say it's not, it's more like I don't know what it is.
I've run into that mercurial world known as prospective dating again. I finally decided to go back online to a therianthropy group and there was a guy who seemed interesting. I felt that little pull I always do, but on an intensely smaller scale thankfully. However, said guy eventually made a post aimed at lone wolves and as myself and one other person(who was a male) were really the only two loners in the group, once I responded, it sort of sealed the deal of an invitation to privately talk by pm. I was fine with it, added him as a friend and whatnot and we spoke for a few hours. Mostly it was a very clear if I wanted to, he may have considered dating me sort of thing that it lead up to.
Unfortunately, my need to mate have both regressed to near nonexistence and accelerated to where it's like yeah anyone will do. However, I still can't accept just being a cuddle buddy. The guys pitch was, I'm divorced, you're fun, you're single, you're a wolf therian, I'm single, and a wolf too. We should get together just because. It seemed so shallow, but then I realized what if that is dating? I mean isn't that the point of people going to clubs is to meet someone who seems fun and date them to see if there's something more?
Then I made a huge faux pas I didn't know was a faux pas. I thought well we've only known each other for a few hours, so maybe it takes time to really go about this dating thing. So I just said well it's nice to have met a new friend. His response didn't sound encouraged, actually I think it ticked him off just a bit. He was like friend? And every response after, he kept tacking on friend like it was a derogatory word. Then the next day, he was like Hello Friend and that was about the time he just stopped talking to me. Perhaps I have this dating thing backward, but I thought we could at least be friends, but apparently not. I was kind of bummed, but it wasn't that much of a thing to reflect on. If anything, I think I was more freaked out by the prospect of having someone actually interested and like oh my gosh what do I do? I tried to access my repertoire of what normal people do and was like blast, they all just were dating one day. There was no leading up to dating that I could have observed and copied. I just plain felt absolutely inadequate to handle such a situation.
I was trying to buy myself time, so I could figure out how to handle it, but apparently the interest was just I need a warm body, you're a warm body, that's all that matters. I think he immediately found another warm body to try to pitch his proposal to. Maybe she'll figure it out and respond the correct way.
As for me, I've come to the conclusion I sorely need practice, but if it happens that fast, I don't think there's a way to get practice unless someone can understand I'm just stumped. You'd think it'd be an easy question, but it's rarely phrased in such a way.Which leads me back to the purpose of this blog is that I am looking to get practice, least I feel I'm in an outgoing enough mood and emotional space to try it without too much of an emotional backlash, but I came to college to live on campus so that I'm surrounded by young people I absolutely refuse to date or who I feel too old to date. I wanted to deter myself from looking anymore when I decided on celibacy for the duration of my life. However, now I'm like could look and instead everyone is 17-24 and you'd think being only about 4-5 years older wouldn't be much of a difference, but it is! Not to mention it's like watching the dance of attraction is more amusing than I would like to join in.
Add in my completely oblivious nature to such things and it's like I've come to the conclusion I'm doomed. I can't find a way around it. I know there's a solution, but it's like there's a solution to a rubiks cube and even following step by step instructions I cannot figure it out. Then I realized that with my friendships, I am a subtle control freak. So subtle that I don't even notice I'm aiming for control, until I've destroyed said friendship beyond all recognition to what it was. I deal in absolutes. I don't like middle gray areas. They confuse me, so I force everyone around me to choose, black or white. Not skin color, but one extreme or the other. I don't like people to be in between. Unfortunately it's only in hindsight that I really see that I've done this in every last one of my friendships. Most of my friends do fall in one category or another and that makes me happy, but it also means that they don't mean less, but that I don't have to focus on them so much as when people refuse to be put in one area or another.
Which leads to my overall conclusion that I am the wishy washiest person on earth. I want what I cannot accept and if I cannot accept it, I get rid of it. It works when you have negative people in your life, but it's a bad situation when you're trying to figure out the important positive people in your life.
I don't know where this thought was going. I started this blog like two days ago, thinking I'd have internet by Saturday, but then I wasn't able to get our kit to hook up the internet and my roommate wasn't able to do so either, so instead I had to wait until Monday when buses ran and I had work to finish this blog. So most of the thought processes are like what was I thinking about? XD I swear sometimes myself and I do not get along. Thankfully there is a lovely meditation focus class beginning tomorrow. So meditation to align my brain it is. Ciao for now and feel free to add comments my Doni sis :) And whoever keeps plus 1'ing as well if it's not just google doing so XD
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