Fade Away

Seether
Fade Away

I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

I wanna be there when you cry
And when you’re down I’ll help you fly
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh

But I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
And I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

Early mornings are good for only one thing. Reflection. Well, that is, if  you happen to be sitting in a library at 10am in the morning to work. Which I am. I love my job, and I had a great night out at Oronoka dancing with my friends although I abstained from drinking on behalf of a very painful headache. Which dancing, loud music, shouting to be heard, etc. wasn't the best cure (Food was) I was surprisingly tolerant of it. I was all proud when the songs I chose by request got the most people out on the dance floor and hyped up the vibe in the place. I wasn't exactly fully immersed in the experience, but it was fun. So why the title of one of my favorite songs? Well for one I woke up and that ache was back. I know getting over people takes a long time, but it's always seeing the person's face everywhere that gets you. Now I know I never met Z face to face, but I ran across some pictures in my massive repertoire while looking for pictures for a montage of my niece for her birthday. I don't know if that was the cause of it, but as I danced and the lights strobed, I thought I saw him yesterday, but I knew he wasn't there and yet I felt like a part of me searched anyway. There was a moment of silence in every second since that I wished he could've been there. I wished we could've ate, and hung out and had a good Friday night. I wished he could've stood beside me shivering as we waited for a cab in the cold, and mused on all the food we wanted post dancing. I wished we could've laughed at something silly and maybe sat up and talked a bit before going to bed. Separate beds of course. There's a ball of aching want sitting in the pit of my stomach as there has always been, and it's because I've really always wanted him by my side and I still do honestly. There's a million reasons I've gone over in my head why I said goodbye, and 99% of it is on me. Mostly because I didn't understand exactly how much he'd entrenched himself in my life and a lot of it is I didn't understand him. We talked, but we never had a lot of times where we could go in depth and honestly I never knew what to ask. I mean if someone poses that question of ask me anything and I'll answer, it sort of stalls your brain with the possibilities. Then immediately it's like what can I ask that's not too nosy at first, then it's what is relevant to what's going on in your life. It's also I hate prying in other people's lives, especially my friends. I'm close to people, but I try to leave that room to retain their own individuality and often that means I don't ask the questions I should. It's also that I still have the mentality that everyone should be like me. I didn't realize until recently that I kept pushing and pushing the poor man, because I wanted him to change to be like me. Sometimes I have too high of opinion of myself and it being reinforced by techniques that have worked with various friends, means I always thought my way was the right way. My way is no middle ground. Middle ground leads to regrets and I wanted no regrets. So everything in my life had to be black or white. Z was gray, or silver if you want a distinguished color to it and he refused to be anything but that. It literally drove me nuts, because I was dealing with an unknown, a not absolute. I didn't know if he'd absolutely stay in my life or not, I didn't know if what I felt for him was more than friends or just friends, I didn't know if I wanted to visit him or not. It was just my brain fried when it came to Z, because I couldn't understand him. Which is the 1% that was only part of his personality is that sometimes he tended to not explain why he was gray. I may have a better idea why after speaking to another demonkin on neutrality of emotions, but I wanted to hear that from Z. Probably as much as Z wanted to know why I was so wildly emotional. One minute I was simpatico cool, then I was raging with angst. Mostly it was all because I wanted to mean as much to him as he did to me and whenever I wanted him to pick black or white on the subject, he blended the colors and made gray. For the longest time I didn't understand why there was a need to have that gray area, but I suppose for him it was as he said. He takes a while to make decisions. He takes a while to fall in love, and takes a while to trust someone and takes a while to decide on certain actions. I've never had to make a really tough decision without my instincts until I met him and they went suspiciously haywire. Usually I'm the epitome of calm, controlled, decisive action, but with Z, I didn't know whether to hold on tight as possible or to let go. It was Z who showed me that I always have a third option that could lead to more possibilities. I could've kept Z for as long as I wanted, lots of communication or not, if I'd accepted that third possibility. I'd always had that third possibility, because Z was in my life and I was in his and it just was our friendship. There was no need to explain it, to determine how long it would last, what it had to mean to me and others. For the longest time Z fought for our friendship, until there was no fighting my own insecurities and conviction that everything had to be absolutes. That Z had to fit one mold or another, instead of being his own. Everyone keeps telling me I'll find another friend, that I'll connect to someone else, or that he'll always be special, but if I move on then soon it'll be just a pleasant memory. I keep trying to tell myself that too. Yet as I talk to new people, new guys, new friends, even as I'm open to dating and still hopeful of finding someone I'll click with, there's still Z right there with me. I don't want him to fade away like Alex, or wolf or Aaron or the others I liked, but I never connected with. I didn't bond with them and yet I severed the one bond I wanted for as long as I'm alive if I had my way. It wouldn't have to always be strong, and I wouldn't always need him there, or at least I'd try. Jaguars can't change their spots overnight. I've almost sent an email asking him to make a compromise, but then I read our last two emails sent and received and ask myself am I really that selfish? What if he's better off not worrying about the tangles of being online, What if he's found his corner of Zen that we've both been searching for our whole lives? Is it really fair to try to start up something again, when I know it can be tiring and disheartening to be around me at times. Such as irony of the moment, I realized that I'm always trying to convince him of something and he doesn't see it, when he's been trying to convince me of something this entire time too and I don't see it. So it's like hit and miss.*sighs* I just want my soul twin back V_V I don't feel complete or content without someone who says they understand and means it. My friend called the other day and was talking about how we're family, we're blood even though we're not biologically related and I was like I still have my family, but I'm missing one key member. Z. In the end to email or not to email is still the question.