Monday, 31 March 2014
Solitude
There is an assumption in the world that people who choose to be alone are always depressed, but sometimes it's just because they don't understand and therefore don't like what they see. Myself I want to be alone so I don't have to be confused anymore. I know who I am, I feel very strongly about my beliefs, but there are times when I just don't understand why someone doesn't like me. Admittedly I don't need everyone to like me, but I'd rather know one way or the other. There are some people who abound who seem like they want to be near me, but when I go to reach for them, they disappear like smoke and I start to wonder how crazy I am. Am I projecting my own need to reach out on these people and assuming everything they do is in relation to me, or is it really in relation to me that they go away and don't explain why. It confuses me and rents space in my head that just doesn't need to be rented. It's a waste of my time trying to figure it out, which begs the question so why do I try? Well because I try to be friendly. I know I'm not always overtly friendly, and come off as aloof and cold. So I try to make sure I am aware of people who may want to befriend me, but are intimidated by my aloof countenance. So I notice when someone is circling my sphere of existence and I try to see if they want to be a part of the inner layers or are they just passing by. Then as I assume they're passing by and resume my orbit, They come flying through the layers like a shooting star. So I'm like oo pretty and reach out to catch the shooting star and they go to the second black hole that's close to our black hole and before I know it they're out of reach and stay out of reach. So it's like all right either you want to be caught or not. Make up your mind and make it obvious. So instead I get depressed because I just don't know and my friends around me make it better and worse. They boost me up by telling me I am an awesome individual, full of naive, pure and innocent inner light and they are proud to know me. They use me as a confidant and all seems well. Then that shooting star returns, and I get confused, because I know I'm awesome, so why don't they see that and why are they bloody intimidated by me when I'm nice and friendly. All they have to do is try and the rest will be easy. I've done it before, but it doesn't ever mean anything. I don't know. Hence, why I am contemplating the idea of solitude. I don't have people building me up or by their very presence bringing me down. I don't interpret behavior and try to read people consistently. I think I've somehow incorporated a people scanner into my empathic abilities and now it's just about to drive me up the wall. This summer once I go through surgery I'm going to Legend of Zelda Windwaker and I'm going to play Final Fantasy 8 and I'm going to be happy in my den of solitude. Well as happy as one can be after having their stomach cut open and stapled shut. Yeesh. I shall not have to worry about it after may and next year I will be a thousand times more vigilant about who I let into my inner orbit. Yes. Until then I shall remain confused and depressed trying to understand the whims of certain guys. :P
Tuesday, 11 March 2014
Comfort
There are certain days that remind me of my time when I lived alone in the condo. I wasn't completely alone, but my mom had to work in a different city and my siblings had run away. Since my mom had to work nights and days, she stayed in the other city with her then boyfriend and gave me the money during trips home, so I could pay rent, utilities, garbage, etc. Truly in this place I learned to be self sufficient and reliable. Also while there I learned how to be at peace with my own company. I had a routine every day I came home from school. Walk in the door, put the keys on the light switch, set my backpack down beneath it, take my shoes off and head into the bedroom to hang my coat. I'd turn on a radio station down low and let it permeate the house. Since it was Washington State, I'd open a window to let the fresh scent of wind, rain and pine needles aerate the space. Sometimes I would sit either in front of the balcony screen and feel the wind on my face if it was too cold outside or I full on went outside onto the balcony if it was warm enough. I remember watching tall trees swaying with the wind and feeling a sort of contentment I work hard to achieve when I'm not in Washington. It always starts in the belly and rises up like bubbles and triples in expansion until I want to somehow let it out. Usually it's dancing, when I'm alone singing and when I'm really alone, I howl. It's a most invigorating feeling.
On days when it's too cold it reminds me of christmas, or rather not the holiday itself per se, but the season changes that come with it. Like the orange leaves in october, the chill wind, rain, and pumpkins that permeate november and the beautiful dewy frost that signals the beginning of december. It's fantastic going out at 3am in the morning to stand and listen to the silence of the world, when you can hear a leaf fall or the scurry of some creature in the forest. Cold days also remind me of fireplaces, those dreaded things no one believes in anymore. I remember many a night when the balcony door would be open to air out the living room and it being freezing cold outside, but toasty warm inside. I remember sitting by the door with my cats on either side or snuggled up on a blanket in front of the fireplace. I recall the twinkling lights of a pretty tree and just feeling happy, whole and safe.
There's also one other memory that surfaces always the same. The water. There's a part of me that remembers a place, sort of a beach house maybe or a condo by the sea. I remember overcast gray skies and a light drizzle that is a signature of washington. I remember walking on the beach as the wind blew, and drizzle came down. I remember rows of beach houses to my left and ocean to my right. I feel like there is something important about this feeling this memory and want to recreate it somehow. To feel that contentment of living alone again, but also being warm. I feel like there's a part of my soul that isn't warm enough, that a cold icy wind blows through and I don't know what to do about it, but the sea dream makes me feel happy and warm. I want to be warm again.
Long ago I made a promise to myself that whether with someone else or alone, I want to be happy. I thought happiness was going to Scotland, or getting a degree, or writing. However, I finally realized writing this that my happiness is not traveling or writing or really having my own place. My happiness is being safe and warm and content. My happiness is in reflecting and remembering the places I truly felt warm and happy and safe. It's so easy to get so caught up in everything going on around me that I lose that happy, safe and warm place I've built up in my memories. Just cause it may not have a specific physical representation doesn't mean it shouldn't exist within my heart and soul. I miss people sure, specific people only, but I miss that place I carried in my heart more. I miss the creativity it brought and the absolution that love somewhere is real. I've only begun to realize I lost that soft space in my heart when I couldn't even read a book or watch a movie without some melancholy seeping in. I think I just need to remember my own inner love for myself and the life of happiness, love and warmth that I want. I must wrap myself in my own safety net and if I lose it again, hopefully I'll remember this blog. I hope I'll be able to come back and look at the simplicity of it all and feel content once more again. I found my happiness in my heart, I only hope people in my family will find theirs.
On days when it's too cold it reminds me of christmas, or rather not the holiday itself per se, but the season changes that come with it. Like the orange leaves in october, the chill wind, rain, and pumpkins that permeate november and the beautiful dewy frost that signals the beginning of december. It's fantastic going out at 3am in the morning to stand and listen to the silence of the world, when you can hear a leaf fall or the scurry of some creature in the forest. Cold days also remind me of fireplaces, those dreaded things no one believes in anymore. I remember many a night when the balcony door would be open to air out the living room and it being freezing cold outside, but toasty warm inside. I remember sitting by the door with my cats on either side or snuggled up on a blanket in front of the fireplace. I recall the twinkling lights of a pretty tree and just feeling happy, whole and safe.
There's also one other memory that surfaces always the same. The water. There's a part of me that remembers a place, sort of a beach house maybe or a condo by the sea. I remember overcast gray skies and a light drizzle that is a signature of washington. I remember walking on the beach as the wind blew, and drizzle came down. I remember rows of beach houses to my left and ocean to my right. I feel like there is something important about this feeling this memory and want to recreate it somehow. To feel that contentment of living alone again, but also being warm. I feel like there's a part of my soul that isn't warm enough, that a cold icy wind blows through and I don't know what to do about it, but the sea dream makes me feel happy and warm. I want to be warm again.
Long ago I made a promise to myself that whether with someone else or alone, I want to be happy. I thought happiness was going to Scotland, or getting a degree, or writing. However, I finally realized writing this that my happiness is not traveling or writing or really having my own place. My happiness is being safe and warm and content. My happiness is in reflecting and remembering the places I truly felt warm and happy and safe. It's so easy to get so caught up in everything going on around me that I lose that happy, safe and warm place I've built up in my memories. Just cause it may not have a specific physical representation doesn't mean it shouldn't exist within my heart and soul. I miss people sure, specific people only, but I miss that place I carried in my heart more. I miss the creativity it brought and the absolution that love somewhere is real. I've only begun to realize I lost that soft space in my heart when I couldn't even read a book or watch a movie without some melancholy seeping in. I think I just need to remember my own inner love for myself and the life of happiness, love and warmth that I want. I must wrap myself in my own safety net and if I lose it again, hopefully I'll remember this blog. I hope I'll be able to come back and look at the simplicity of it all and feel content once more again. I found my happiness in my heart, I only hope people in my family will find theirs.
Friday, 7 March 2014
Seize the day
For some reason the song Seize the Day by Avenged Sevenfold is playing through my head. As I'm on desk duty at work, I feel like spilling all my life and secrets on a digital platform. Hmm, what's been going on in my life so far? Well I found out that the Fibroid Cyst I have in my tummy is about 7 inches long and needs open surgery. So my summer adventure of going to San Diego and Seaworld is over before it began. Bummer. Ah the surgery, well I don't honestly know what to think about it. My family is practically in shock over my lackadaisical attitude over it. Especially as it will be my first surgery ever. However, my motto has always been, I'd rather be prepared and have information over an impending situation than go in blind. I know that the cyst is not cancerous, that the surgery will be pretty routine and it's not as dangerous because of the fact that it's not in my uterus (no hysterectomy, yay!). It's actually floating above the uterus and is only attached by a thin to medium thick stalk of muscle I suppose. It should only take 6 weeks to heal, though some say add on another two just in case and that it most likely will leave a scar. I already know it will involve needles, oh gods lots of needles and that there will be lots of pain. The only pain I've ever experienced was tendonitis of my upper left shoulder. I managed to grit my teeth and bear it, but this is like slicing pain. So I have no doubt I will be in a most foul mood for six weeks. I may need to write a note to my family to forgive my absolute horrible mood, especially if I can't eat regular food, but that's a hurdle to overcome once it gets there. No sense borrowing trouble.
Speaking of borrowing trouble. My sister, the second eldest is for some reason on this 'we need to find you a man' kick. I'm like psh so I can have a relationship like all the people in my immediate family no thank you. Then to add insult to injury, she's like I'm going to find you an older man, a veteran in the military....Those who know me understand that is a storm waiting to brew. Don't freaking get me wrong, I appreciate the military, but I don't appreciate their sense of entitlement. Like civilians should worship the ground they walk on. It's like first of all if the draft were still in effect most of us could do the same job you do, but we chose not to. Why? Because if you put the military in a perfectly realistic light, the slogan would be, we will lie to you to give up your lives, but actually we think you're expendable, we will give you one medal for your death and if you manage to live, we won't honor you, but spread propaganda so other people will. Everyone's all the military do this, these people don't. It's like oh really? So who's the peon who has to fly your family around so they can come see you when you're home hmm? You think the military alone built those houses you live in? Oh look at that poor peon who has to ring your groceries up, process your payments, be your bank. Civilians are worth more than the military wants to make us out to be. Sure we don't understand your insular society, though actually most of us do, but the military people do not understand or appreciate the support and uplifting that civilians do. When PTSD strikes a soldier, guess who's job it is to rebuild them so they can possibly be combat ready again, Social Workers. Are social workers soldiers, no? If a soldier is sent home and kills his family, who consoles and figures out that there's a chemical process to this and tries to prevent it in the future. Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Social workers. Who helps breed those canine buddies to take with the military with good bloodlines that won't turn too psychotic after the missions are over. Civilians. So yes I appreciate the military, but I have severe issues with them thinking that with no military, America wouldn't be able to do anything whatsoever to save ourselves. I dare them to imagine a world where there are no civilians to help them once they get back to their home base and see how well they do. Appreciate everyone, and stop putting one person on a pedestal above others. Not to mention most of those people in the military went in there because of a troubled past, promises of being able to attend school(university), being able to feed their families or whatnot. The military is a hodgepodge of people who felt they had no options left but to go into the military. My own sis went in there, she admits, because she felt that that was the only way to get ahead in life. She's afraid to die, but the temptation of a possible secure future for herself and her kids keeps her there. That and a now brainwashed misplaced idea of duty to one's country and she spouts the I laid down my life for my insurance, so you shouldn't tell me about you possibly dying from lack of insurance. It's like if it weren't for obamacare, lack of insurance might well have cost me mine. She better put things in perspective. So yeah no, if she puts me with a militant man who wants me to applaud his bravery for the rest of his life, he'd better darn well learn some respect for civilians first.
Which leads me to another thing, I have no clue why my sisters put up this front about caring. The second eldest doesn't expect me to actually miss her as a person and my other sis keeps telling my mom she'll call me and never does. Now I realize the phone works both ways, but honestly my eldest sister hasn't bothered calling or talking to me since she left last september. Occasionally she'll give a sentence or two on facebook, but overall, she's nonexistent. Now they're like come home now Hannah, stop playing with your health and it's like you both don't even know all of the facts. So hush it. The only person taking this pretty solid is my mom. I know she's worried, but she's trying to trust me to know what's right for me. So that makes me happy.
What's stopped making me happy is a lot of things. I don't mind watching movies, but I don't have the time, and I haven't read a book in months. I used to devour them like candy, but reading a book now is almost painful. I still revel in the elements, but don't have time to indulge in that either. I think my inner me is going I need out like now. Also winter has been keeping me in because it's too bitterly cold. It's not a friendly cold like in washington where I can be soaked by rain and still laugh. No this is like frostbite on your nose if your nose is exposed too long kind of cold. I sort of want to do something for fun, go somewhere for fun, travel for fun. Instead it's like duty to go to school, duty to get a job once I get home to pay for myself, then back to school. It's like the entire school year is duty to do homework whether I hate it or not. I think I'm just starting to chafe under being told what to do. I can't just do what I want to do, which is find a hill someplace warm, with a nice cool breeze and a grassy green hilltop. I want to lay down on a picnic blanket and gaze at the sky and count clouds like I used to back in high school during lunch. I can't just sit and write for hours or daydream about my house I want to build one day. Then add in this surgery and it's like fighting a losing battle.
I've always just wanted to be happy, but honestly I don't know what will make me happy anymore. I still like coming to work, but I don't like responsibility being put on me. I've known this for years, but I felt like since I had the skills of a leader, maybe I just needed a leadership role that fit me. Which is both true and false. I need to be my own leader, but in the human lifestyle I'd rather let someone else deal with the stress of the title of leadership to others. I don't want to lead others, because I honest to god cannot stop wanting to strangle people for their stupid mistakes and over dramatics. My gosh the dramatics of teens. There was one teen that just made me want to chuck her out a window somewhere. She posted like a million facebook posts about how she liked this guy and didn't know how to tell him or if she should. Then apparently she did and then she was like misery and despair, I can't show my face at school anymore. I don't want to go to school. My mom is threatening to call the police if I don't go to school, but I'm afraid of what he will say. I'm like lord in heaven, be for gosh darn glad I wasn't your mother, because I would literally drag you out the house and drop you on campus, whether you're in pajamas or not if you decide not to go to school over a guy, are you freaking serious? Then to top it all off, I was like well go to school and just be yourself. He won't mind if you like him, he may be flattered, even if he may not like you back. I gave a pep talk of, it's like if you didn't like a guy even though he was a nice guy and attractive. You wouldn't expect him to be afraid of you just because you declined a to date him. You'd expect him to be as friendly as before, if a bit bummed you said no, but it will happen a lot in life. Can't be attracted to everyone. She was like well I still don't want to go to school. Then proceeded to post a million more messages on her misery and despair of a guy not liking her and what he will say when she goes to school, So I unfriended her and washed my hands of that. I don't have patience for people who just want to complain for the sake of complaining.
To be honest, I've felt that dark rage building again of I hate the world and every living thing in it again. I'm trying desperately to find a balance again, but I'm just too tired to really care if I balance or not. I just want to destroy something. Maybe I need to take a demolition course or something. That'd be totally fun. However for now, I'm just going to go work on designing my house. I was going to say something about being optimistic since I got a hard drive, but I think I'm just two sides of a coin. Part of me is happy and content and part of me is bored and filled with rage and is tired of life.
Speaking of borrowing trouble. My sister, the second eldest is for some reason on this 'we need to find you a man' kick. I'm like psh so I can have a relationship like all the people in my immediate family no thank you. Then to add insult to injury, she's like I'm going to find you an older man, a veteran in the military....Those who know me understand that is a storm waiting to brew. Don't freaking get me wrong, I appreciate the military, but I don't appreciate their sense of entitlement. Like civilians should worship the ground they walk on. It's like first of all if the draft were still in effect most of us could do the same job you do, but we chose not to. Why? Because if you put the military in a perfectly realistic light, the slogan would be, we will lie to you to give up your lives, but actually we think you're expendable, we will give you one medal for your death and if you manage to live, we won't honor you, but spread propaganda so other people will. Everyone's all the military do this, these people don't. It's like oh really? So who's the peon who has to fly your family around so they can come see you when you're home hmm? You think the military alone built those houses you live in? Oh look at that poor peon who has to ring your groceries up, process your payments, be your bank. Civilians are worth more than the military wants to make us out to be. Sure we don't understand your insular society, though actually most of us do, but the military people do not understand or appreciate the support and uplifting that civilians do. When PTSD strikes a soldier, guess who's job it is to rebuild them so they can possibly be combat ready again, Social Workers. Are social workers soldiers, no? If a soldier is sent home and kills his family, who consoles and figures out that there's a chemical process to this and tries to prevent it in the future. Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Social workers. Who helps breed those canine buddies to take with the military with good bloodlines that won't turn too psychotic after the missions are over. Civilians. So yes I appreciate the military, but I have severe issues with them thinking that with no military, America wouldn't be able to do anything whatsoever to save ourselves. I dare them to imagine a world where there are no civilians to help them once they get back to their home base and see how well they do. Appreciate everyone, and stop putting one person on a pedestal above others. Not to mention most of those people in the military went in there because of a troubled past, promises of being able to attend school(university), being able to feed their families or whatnot. The military is a hodgepodge of people who felt they had no options left but to go into the military. My own sis went in there, she admits, because she felt that that was the only way to get ahead in life. She's afraid to die, but the temptation of a possible secure future for herself and her kids keeps her there. That and a now brainwashed misplaced idea of duty to one's country and she spouts the I laid down my life for my insurance, so you shouldn't tell me about you possibly dying from lack of insurance. It's like if it weren't for obamacare, lack of insurance might well have cost me mine. She better put things in perspective. So yeah no, if she puts me with a militant man who wants me to applaud his bravery for the rest of his life, he'd better darn well learn some respect for civilians first.
Which leads me to another thing, I have no clue why my sisters put up this front about caring. The second eldest doesn't expect me to actually miss her as a person and my other sis keeps telling my mom she'll call me and never does. Now I realize the phone works both ways, but honestly my eldest sister hasn't bothered calling or talking to me since she left last september. Occasionally she'll give a sentence or two on facebook, but overall, she's nonexistent. Now they're like come home now Hannah, stop playing with your health and it's like you both don't even know all of the facts. So hush it. The only person taking this pretty solid is my mom. I know she's worried, but she's trying to trust me to know what's right for me. So that makes me happy.
What's stopped making me happy is a lot of things. I don't mind watching movies, but I don't have the time, and I haven't read a book in months. I used to devour them like candy, but reading a book now is almost painful. I still revel in the elements, but don't have time to indulge in that either. I think my inner me is going I need out like now. Also winter has been keeping me in because it's too bitterly cold. It's not a friendly cold like in washington where I can be soaked by rain and still laugh. No this is like frostbite on your nose if your nose is exposed too long kind of cold. I sort of want to do something for fun, go somewhere for fun, travel for fun. Instead it's like duty to go to school, duty to get a job once I get home to pay for myself, then back to school. It's like the entire school year is duty to do homework whether I hate it or not. I think I'm just starting to chafe under being told what to do. I can't just do what I want to do, which is find a hill someplace warm, with a nice cool breeze and a grassy green hilltop. I want to lay down on a picnic blanket and gaze at the sky and count clouds like I used to back in high school during lunch. I can't just sit and write for hours or daydream about my house I want to build one day. Then add in this surgery and it's like fighting a losing battle.
I've always just wanted to be happy, but honestly I don't know what will make me happy anymore. I still like coming to work, but I don't like responsibility being put on me. I've known this for years, but I felt like since I had the skills of a leader, maybe I just needed a leadership role that fit me. Which is both true and false. I need to be my own leader, but in the human lifestyle I'd rather let someone else deal with the stress of the title of leadership to others. I don't want to lead others, because I honest to god cannot stop wanting to strangle people for their stupid mistakes and over dramatics. My gosh the dramatics of teens. There was one teen that just made me want to chuck her out a window somewhere. She posted like a million facebook posts about how she liked this guy and didn't know how to tell him or if she should. Then apparently she did and then she was like misery and despair, I can't show my face at school anymore. I don't want to go to school. My mom is threatening to call the police if I don't go to school, but I'm afraid of what he will say. I'm like lord in heaven, be for gosh darn glad I wasn't your mother, because I would literally drag you out the house and drop you on campus, whether you're in pajamas or not if you decide not to go to school over a guy, are you freaking serious? Then to top it all off, I was like well go to school and just be yourself. He won't mind if you like him, he may be flattered, even if he may not like you back. I gave a pep talk of, it's like if you didn't like a guy even though he was a nice guy and attractive. You wouldn't expect him to be afraid of you just because you declined a to date him. You'd expect him to be as friendly as before, if a bit bummed you said no, but it will happen a lot in life. Can't be attracted to everyone. She was like well I still don't want to go to school. Then proceeded to post a million more messages on her misery and despair of a guy not liking her and what he will say when she goes to school, So I unfriended her and washed my hands of that. I don't have patience for people who just want to complain for the sake of complaining.
To be honest, I've felt that dark rage building again of I hate the world and every living thing in it again. I'm trying desperately to find a balance again, but I'm just too tired to really care if I balance or not. I just want to destroy something. Maybe I need to take a demolition course or something. That'd be totally fun. However for now, I'm just going to go work on designing my house. I was going to say something about being optimistic since I got a hard drive, but I think I'm just two sides of a coin. Part of me is happy and content and part of me is bored and filled with rage and is tired of life.
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