Comfort

There are certain days that remind me of my time when I lived alone in the condo. I wasn't completely alone, but my mom had to work in a different city and my siblings had run away. Since my mom had to work nights and days, she stayed in the other city with her then boyfriend and gave me the money during trips home, so I could pay rent, utilities, garbage, etc. Truly in this place I learned to be self sufficient and reliable. Also while there I learned how to be at peace with my own company. I had a routine every day I came home from school. Walk in the door, put the keys on the light switch, set my backpack down beneath it, take my shoes off and head into the bedroom to hang my coat. I'd turn on a radio station down low and let it permeate the house. Since it was Washington State, I'd open a window to let the fresh scent of wind, rain and pine needles aerate the space. Sometimes I would sit either in front of the balcony screen and feel the wind on my face if it was too cold outside or I full on went outside onto the balcony if it was warm enough. I remember watching tall trees swaying with the wind and feeling a sort of contentment I work hard to achieve when I'm not in Washington. It always starts in the belly and rises up like bubbles and triples in expansion until I want to somehow let it out. Usually it's dancing, when I'm alone singing and when I'm really alone, I howl. It's a most invigorating feeling.
On days when it's too cold it reminds me of christmas, or rather not the holiday itself per se, but the season changes that come with it. Like the orange leaves in october, the chill wind, rain, and pumpkins that permeate november and the beautiful dewy frost that signals the beginning of december. It's fantastic going out at 3am in the morning to stand and listen to the silence of the world, when you can hear a leaf fall or the scurry of some creature in the forest. Cold days also remind me of fireplaces, those dreaded things no one believes in anymore. I remember many a night when the balcony door would be open to air out the living room and it being freezing cold outside, but toasty warm inside. I remember sitting by the door with my cats on either side or snuggled up on a blanket in front of the fireplace. I recall the twinkling lights of a pretty tree and just feeling happy, whole and safe.
There's also one other memory that surfaces always the same. The water. There's a part of me that remembers a place, sort of a beach house maybe or a condo by the sea. I remember overcast gray skies and a light drizzle that is a signature of washington. I remember walking on the beach as the wind blew, and drizzle came down. I remember rows of beach houses to my left and ocean to my right. I feel like there is something important about this feeling this memory and want to recreate it somehow. To feel that contentment of living alone again, but also being warm. I feel like there's a part of my soul that isn't warm enough, that a cold icy wind blows through and I don't know what to do about it, but the sea dream makes me feel happy and warm. I want to be warm again.
Long ago I made a promise to myself that whether with someone else or alone, I want to be happy. I thought happiness was going to Scotland, or getting a degree, or writing. However, I finally realized writing this that my happiness is not traveling or writing or really having my own place. My happiness is being safe and warm and content. My happiness is in reflecting and remembering the places I truly felt warm and happy and safe. It's so easy to get so caught up in everything going on around me that I lose that happy, safe and warm place I've built up in my memories. Just cause it may not have a specific physical representation doesn't mean it shouldn't exist within my heart and soul. I miss people sure, specific people only, but I miss that place I carried in my heart more. I miss the creativity it brought and the absolution that love somewhere is real. I've only begun to realize I lost that soft space in my heart when I couldn't even read a book or watch a movie without some melancholy seeping in. I think I just need to remember my own inner love for myself and the life of happiness, love and warmth that I want. I must wrap myself in my own safety net and if I lose it again, hopefully I'll remember this blog. I hope I'll be able to come back and look at the simplicity of it all and feel content once more again. I found my happiness in my heart, I only hope people in my family will find theirs.