Solitude

There is an assumption in the world that people who choose to be alone are always depressed, but sometimes it's just because they don't understand and therefore don't like what they see. Myself I want to be alone so I don't have to be confused anymore. I know who I am, I feel very strongly about my beliefs, but there are times when I just don't understand why someone doesn't like me. Admittedly I don't need everyone to like me, but I'd rather know one way or the other. There are some people who abound who seem like they want to be near me, but when I go to reach for them, they disappear like smoke and I start to wonder how crazy I am. Am I projecting my own need to reach out on these people and assuming everything they do is in relation to me, or is it really in relation to me that they go away and don't explain why. It confuses me and rents space in my head that just doesn't need to be rented. It's a waste of my time trying to figure it out, which begs the question so why do I try? Well because I try to be friendly. I know I'm not always overtly friendly, and come off as aloof and cold. So I try to make sure I am aware of people who may want to befriend me, but are intimidated by my aloof countenance. So I notice when someone is circling my sphere of existence and I try to see if they want to be a part of the inner layers or are they just passing by. Then as I assume they're passing by and resume my orbit, They come flying through the layers like a shooting star. So I'm like oo pretty and reach out to catch the shooting star and they go to the second black hole that's close to our black hole and before I know it they're out of reach and stay out of reach. So it's like all right either you want to be caught or not. Make up your mind and make it obvious. So instead I get depressed because I just don't know and my friends around me make it better and worse. They boost me up by telling me I am an awesome individual, full of naive, pure and innocent inner light and they are proud to know me. They use me as a confidant and all seems well. Then that shooting star returns, and I get confused, because I know I'm awesome, so why don't they see that and why are they bloody intimidated by me when I'm nice and friendly. All they have to do is try and the rest will be easy. I've done it before, but it doesn't ever mean anything. I don't know. Hence, why I am contemplating the idea of solitude. I don't have people building me up or by their very presence bringing me down. I don't interpret behavior and try to read people consistently. I think I've somehow incorporated a people scanner into my empathic abilities and now it's just about to drive me up the wall. This summer once I go through surgery I'm going to Legend of Zelda Windwaker and I'm going to play Final Fantasy 8 and I'm going to be happy in my den of solitude. Well as happy as one can be after having their stomach cut open and stapled shut. Yeesh. I shall not have to worry about it after may and next year I will be a thousand times more vigilant about who I let into my inner orbit. Yes. Until then I shall remain confused and depressed trying to understand the whims of certain guys. :P