Done

Not too long ago I started this blog. It was mostly to exercise the demons running through my head in relative privacy. Which is the dumbest thing you'd think you ever heard as there is no privacy on the internet. Yet everything is circumstantial and this is no different. Offline was where everyone who would not understand exists. The people who don't listen, who dismiss my worries, my fears and my experiences. It's never been a battle for people to accept that I feel like I have the instincts of a wolf/tiger and jaguar. However it's always been a battle for people to know me, to befriend me and to understand the depth of isolation I had sunk to as a kid and never recovered from. I thought I had so many times. I was convinced I was cured, that my environment had changed. I thought I handled loss well, but instead I lost myself in the midst. Now everyone is gone again and all I have left are memories that seem like a dream. I see the faces cross my mind and sometimes wonder if they ever existed the way they were or was it that I put everything I hoped for into them and just lament that they could not fulfill my reality. Which is okay for them, not so much for me as it's left me relatively disillusioned. I felt the apathy returning long before this, felt and fought it and hoped. It was a false hope once again. Now there are times that I forget how a conversation goes, how it flows without putting my social worker face on. If people ask about me, I have to concentrate and bring them into focus that someone is addressing me and how do I respond. It's a terrible thing when you forget how to respond to a hello, or a how are you. It's how it used to be. That I didn't know when to gasp appropriately or anything and I wanted to learn. Now I just feel tired, soo soo tired. If I wasn't in school, I'd just lie down and sleep. Sleep is blissful, sleep is peaceful, but sleep makes you waste away when you wake up. I've all but lost my appetite nowadays. Yesterday I laid down and read a book. I read it for 8 hours straight without getting food or something to drink. I lacked the desire to. I was sleepy, but I was afraid to sleep, because then I'd have no motivation to move after that.
This summer I will sleep though, mostly cause of going through surgery, but it will be my excuse to slip into oblivion for a while. A haze of waking and sleeping and nothing else. I'd always wondered why in all m past lives I was a loner and desperately alone. I think now I understand that perhaps I chose to be alone in those lifetimes after so many failures to connect to whoever I had chosen. Rather than try to overcome an impossible hurdle of self imposed solitude, I chose to be alone. This life the saying that sticks to my heart if I'm meant to be alone, then I'd rather be alone holds true. I want to be alone, I want to get a cabin, supply myself for months and hunker down in a winter solitude and absolute silence. For now however it brings about another choice. I would say eventually I'll seep out offline, but there is no seepage. Since I denounced the therian community which are now a bunch of self righteous pricks who value who they know and cynicism over providing a good community foundation, I haven't gone to any forums. Then no one is ever on messengers anymore, so there's no need to go there and facebook is just authors now to stare at. Some minor things from family members and my Doni sis and Ena sis, but honestly there is nothing left for me online. It's now just an empty shell instead of a gateway to honest and good connections. Which is as it should be.
However offline I have no intention of connecting to people anymore either. I cannot turn off what was activated years ago. I sometimes wish like crazy I'd known a better way to not feel emotional pain instead of sealing it off like applying concrete to a hole in the wall. It was either seal off the pain or commit the ultimate crime to my life and take it. A 12 year old making that decision was never a good thing to begin with. I became nothing and no one to anyone but me. Then it seemed like something good came along and tried to unearth what I'd buried, but when I reached out for it, it flickered out. I prepared to go back to sleep, when another light flickered and another. Now somehow I'm back where I started, which is why I wonder if it was all a dream. So now I am done and shall become no one and nobody again. I will scare people away and keep the only three people I have left of many. This is my last blog to myself and what I dared to reach. Mark that as lifetime number 4, forever alone.