Release

What to do when your very existence amongst others is reduced to a sigh, or a burden. When you have no wishes left, because life isn't bad and hoping it will be ecstatic is nothing more than a dream. I don't have words left, because nothing matters ever. I want to build my house so I can live in Solitude and there my world will be complete. I won't love those who can't love me, I won't be a burden that someone has to take care of when I'm sick and I won't be a sigh brought to someone's lips just because I have to use the restroom. I need to support myself, I need to go away, to leave, I need out again. God I feel like such a failure. This whole summer has been a waste. Everyone is telling me Hannah you should be happy that you had your cyst taken out, but there's a part that's like at what cost? I couldn't keep my promise to be there for my friends wedding. I've known her for ten years and I've known her now husband for just as long. I've seen the aftereffects of their first kiss and know their dog. I've spent time at their apartment and I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I was supposed to be there for her to make her day happy and make sure everything went off without a hitch. Help relieve the burden. Then the surgery happened and she was so understanding, but wanting me to still have the elusive notion that I was a bridesmaid even if I couldn't fulfill the duties. I was so excited to still be a part of it, and so looking forward to her saying her vows and walking down that aisle. Then there was something I could do. I could release her baby, Kona, who is a dog, but in our world our dogs are our babies. I was so happy and like definitely I could do that. I could take pictures, be a part of the wedding and make her happy. Then the fight happened. I didn't tell her about it, because  I didn't want to ruin her beautiful day. However, I got into a fight over someone promising to take me and suddenly going back on their word a day before the wedding. I was furious and devastated, because well why shouldn't I be? I gave up the rest of this stupid summer to get this cyst out and yeah it was for me, but fact of the matter is I had nothing else to look forward to. I just wanted to attend a wedding. It wasn't really that difficult. Instead I got accused of being selfish, not thinking things through, going to hurt myself and a slew of other things. It was a total clusterfuck and it made me never want to accept another offer someone gives me, because they never can keep their word when the time comes. Selfish one and all. Then to make matters worse, the day of the wedding, we left out too late. I missed the vows of the wedding, the walk back down the aisle. Everything but the reception. I got there and my friend didn't really look at me. I was right beside her and I don't know if she truly didn't see me or if she just didn't care that I was there anymore. I couldn't blame her. How do you face someone you call your sister on your wedding day and she missed your freaking vows? How do you offer the beautiful burgundy shawl that is designated for bridesmaids and see her standing there when the wedding is practically over? For my part, how do I sit there and not feel like a fraud. Everyone else did the work and I'm supposed to get the glory? I stayed, because I wanted to see her first dance as a married couple, but I couldn't go on the stage with all the other bridesmaids, because it was a celebration of all their hard work paying  off. The most I did was eat and fill freaking sparkling cider glasses. I haven't spoken to her since and it's hard to do so, when I feel so low. It doesn't matter that if I could move particles through space to have been there, the fact is that I wasn't. The whole point of a wedding is to witness a couple sharing vows, and becoming one union together and you getting to witness that is an important thing and I didn't get to see that. I was supposed to be happy after that. To be jumping off the four walls, but instead I just felt like the scum someone scraped off the bottom of their shoe. An absolute 100% failure.
Then there's my Doni sis who I love dearly and wanted to support during her graduation and her birthday and because of this surgery, I could only hear how no one showed up to celebrate with her and for her. How fucked up is that? To have no one show up to help celebrate your hard earned degree? I'm mad, because I'm still freaking recovering from being ill and couldn't go. I feel like there is a place that I usually fill that in my absence is so achingly empty and I can't do anything about it.
My mom is tired of taking care of me. She's tired of sharing a bathroom, she's tired of my presence it seems some days. I woke up today from a nap, exactly four hours later, as I predicted and it literally sounded like an african safari was going on up front, but she was taking a bath, and as we share a bathroom, I was about to go in and ask to use the restroom and ask why it sounded like an african safari up front. However, as soon as she saw I had to use the bathroom, she just sighed, like I was an unwanted visitor. She practically slammed the curtains closed and said this is why we needed a third bathroom. I didn't have anything to say. It takes me so long to feel wanted, needed, or as if anyone cares about me and that's always what I get? A sigh, a curse, getting yelled at on a phone for two hours, because no one wants me. Logically, I know that's not true. I know that so many people care, okay maybe not so many, but people care about me, but there are so many memories of when people didn't want me around. So many memories of when people left. It's like what did  I do to deserve to be left so alone and unwanted. Why is it that everyone who actually cared about me for no other reason than that they actually cared are also the people who didn't want anything to do with me in their personal lives. It's always fun, but when it's time to go home, they have their lives and their parties and its separate. They have their lives and my friendship isn't exactly a part of it.
Some days I wonder why I even try anymore. I wonder why I am determined to move on with life, even though, I feel like no one cares that I exist. I just want to be alone. I don't want to be a burden, unwanted, or have to smile when people are clearly sick of me being there. I need to get back to school and away from my home life where no one wants me. College, work, you're anonymous. No one really cares about you, because college is about being selfish.  You are the only person to get you through school and graduate, no one else. I'm upset that I'm reduced to stupid tears again, when before the stupid pain meds, I did not cry. However, it's just a testament of how fucked up this summer has been that I'm reduced to crying again. I hate life sometimes and hate everything in it. I have so much hate and loathing building inside that it's making something dead inside me surface and inflicting emotional pain on others seems like a better idea day by day. However, social workers heal, we don't harm. Do no harm. I'm not a social worker yet, but I feel like one. Seether is my best friend right now, and soothing. The one thing I hate about crying is the mucus factor. Really? We don't feel shitty enough, we also gotta have a leaky nose? What the fuck? Life man, life.