Not well

Ugh, my head hurts. My neck also hurts, so I'm fairly sure I'm going to catch a cold soon. Not the flu, I don't have all the symptoms, but some sort of thing with a cough, mucus and stuffy nose and head. I hope it will pass quickly, but it's nice to have a heads up. However, My head really really hurts right now. Whenever I feel sick and low,  I feel the need to cuddle or curl up into a ball. It's absolutely terribly pathetic, but generally I just want someone to pet me and keep me warm until I'm able to bounce back. Usually I get mom cuddles and get to be her little cub, but in college it's more or less isolation until you're better. I want to lie down, watch movies and sleep and wish I could take some days out of school for it, but I dare not do that. Today was a snow day and if my procrastinating hadn't gotten so severe lately I'd be okay with a movie, soup and rest kind of day. However I got three chapters to read tomorrow and One lab chapter due and one pre lab due by 11am. It's now midnight. I'm so doomed. I wish I could really blame it on something, but it's really just that I don't feel like doing my homework. I have it all in my head, and some of these classes I don't see the point in them. I know in college they try to get you to think for yourself, but if it's not actually of interest to me and is just a mandatory prerequisite class I'd rather just have them tell me what to do or at least what I'm looking for. I hate microscopes and biology, because I never know what I'm supposed to be looking for. Other people are happy to be hands on, but I'd rather have something to look for and then when I find it, backtrack information of why is it like that, when did it form, how will this affect it and what will happen to the cell afterwards. However with my lab it's we have to find something to look at, pray it's actually something worth looking at and label an illustration when we have no clue what we're looking at. It's all very frustrating and my brain has suffered my decision.
I'm a social person, not always the right kind of social, but I'm sociable. I need positive people interaction and connections to feel motivated to do anything. I feel motivated in my social work classes, because they help us to be properly social and to work with each other as a future career field. We all have something in common, wanting to help others better themselves or to find a way to help themselves through resources and have a voice. Unfortunately you can't have a degree without prereq's of science and math and it's like I don't get science or math. My interest flags and suddenly my grades are falling. I may have to make an appointment with my old advisor/friend faith. Maybe she can help me find my motivation to do a good job. It may also be I took on too much responsibility this semester. I chose to do an 8 hour work day, which basically takes away one day out of the week for studying, I decided to accept my leadership positions and then I'm in charge of my research topic for my science class since my group mates are like whatever you choose we're with you.  There was a girl who stole my idea for herself without really asking and left me with a subject that doesn't have much research, so now I'll have to find a new biology topic by tomorrow and I'm like I don't know. Everything I'm interested in is a social science, not biology XD
Then I am happy being me. I created the environment, personage and whatever I want, but I want my soultwin back. I miss him a lot. I decided to email him and find some way to renew our friendship (Mostly by a compromise of just doing as we are), but then I remember he doesn't want to be online and when I sit to write the email, the feeling goes completely away, so I lose my muse to write a good strong hopefully short email and end up staring at a blank message until I have to do something else in my own life. I waffle back and forth, and mostly I keep it to myself. I'm not sure if it's just me anymore. I used to follow my instincts until I learned in some areas or when it comes to guys, they lie to me or I misinterpret what my instincts are saying. Lately, I've learned to spot the signs ahead of time. Such as had a guy who was super nice to me and very friendly and wanting to add me on facebook with quick acceptance, but he's married with a son. So it's like occasionally my signals get crossed and I mistake his kindness for interest, but it's blessedly getting less and less, so now I successfully am making guy friends without getting unhealthily attached and feeling more like a functioning member of society, instead of a quiet menace. I just hate it cost me one of my most favorite friendships to figure out I can do this whole don't speak to each other for months thing. In fact that's always the way it's been is that I learn to be a functioning member of society after I lose my close friendships. I found out that Alex only wanted to be friends and I was comfy with that the last day of school and never got to say goodbye to him. Then I scared him off, so there's no going back. Then wolf I got overly attached to as well and when he had to move and didn't come back, I thought he'd just walked away without telling me. So I severed the bond from him and funnily enough I don't really miss him. He helped me be aware that my wolf side is affectionate and there is a way to show it, but I didn't particularly want him, as I was still obsessing over Alex at the time and Wolf always made sure to let me know that I would only be a sex partner, never a girlfriend partner in his polyamorous relationships. It was sort of like if you want sex okay, I won't stop you, and not so much desire on his part. Then there's Z and our friendship. I'm only learning that I form unhealthy attachments to guys and need to back off sometimes only after I let him go.
Some days I imagine he'd feel as relieved as I would if I emailed him again, but then that asinine voice in my head goes why? I was close to him, but I honestly gave him nothing but grief due to my own insecurities. I fixed those now, with some duct tape, so it may hold longer, but I ask myself can I guarantee not to become angsty again, will I really be all right if we go back to being friends and don't talk, what will be in it for him to say yes to my continued friendship? He blames himself for so much and I don't want him to think it's his fault for anything. I just need socialization more and I just didn't know it. So it wasn't exactly his fault that he was being a normal online friend. I tend to want something the way I want it, when I want it and when I don't get it, I pout, whine, kick and cause a ruckus until I scare everyone aware or I alienate those closest to me. I don't know all this thinking is making my already aching head hurt worse, so I suppose I'll find out the answer, and get better and something else later on. Right now I need sleep and I'll figure out the homework tomorrow. Ciao for now.