On days like this, with the sun up, a chill in the air and an hour of time in silence to wait, I wonder. I wonder about the environment I'm in, and the personal changes I chose to make. I wonder about my 7, 10 and rest of my life plans that I've implemented and the determination to stop liking guys who just can't see me in that way. Which of course is my own fault. Most of my friends would immediately go through denial and 'how could I know' questions, but only that question is valid. How could I know that when I was younger and saw how horrible women treated men and decided to be everything they're not, that it would render me incapable of receiving romantic love? Which the easiest answer is I didn't, otherwise I'd have been much more wise in choosing what I would not do versus what I would. I can't tell if a guy likes me or not if I want to be 100% honest with myself. I have feelings I feel. When I get around certain guys, it can be this intense gut wrenching energetic blow to the gut, or it can be a slow build up of attachment, until I realize the danger too late and am doomed. Then there's other guys who it feels and looks energetically like a hole in the air. Like imagine a dark landscape all around and smack dab in the middle is a white space that's void of any color. That is what it feels like when I think a guy doesn't like me as a friend. However, lately I've begun to wonder if it's not reading who likes me and who doesn't, but rather who I like and who I don't. When I put it in that context it changes the entire outlook on every guy I've ever met and had a reaction to. Even more in depth is that, with the intense feeling guys, when I think they wouldn't date me, it's not particularly because of instinct telling me that. More like it's that I don't think I could win a guys affection. I mean when it all comes down to it, dating is a competition. We'd like to think that we're all so sure of our motives for dating a person, but it generally always comes down to who you find attractive. It doesn't matter if they're shallow, kiss before you date or anything. For most of my adult life I had hopes that it would be different. That someone would see a mostly well balanced, makes good life choices and is fun girl and overlook the merely cute visage to actually want to date me. Yet instead every guy I've met who seemed a good judge of character has consistently chosen only beautiful or hot girls. It didn't matter to them that the girl could be a cheater or if she's overly flirtatious and leading them on, but doesn't really want anything from them because she's only on a rebound. It didn't matter if the girl could be compassionate or understanding of them. Nothing, but the attractiveness mattered and I must say that is soo disillusioning and disappointing. I had high apple pie in the sky hopes that as I matured maybe just maybe I'd have a chance. Then it happened again and it didn't bother me as it usually does, but it was because I'd come to expect it. My guy friend, but my friends leech for the night. Don't get me wrong, I am not excluded from that list. All my guys I've friend-zoned, I've not been attracted to. How can I expect to have others deny attraction is a powerful factor if even I can't defeat it? It's just a vicious cycle and I'm determined to overcome this need to find someone and focus on my work.
Which would be ten times easier if I had something emotional to look forward to. My family and soul family are superb. I love them all more than words can express. They've been there for me and supported me as if there is never a doubt. I personally love being me. I love everything about my life, the ups and the downs. The problem is once someone has betrayed me or I felt like I'd been betrayed, that bond is shattered and broken. I'll be there for them, but they no longer have my trust nor my loyalty. I do it if I feel like it and if I don't then I feel no remorse about letting them down. This is what happened in my family and so therefore they are no longer close to me and that left an emotional void. My soul family sort of fills that void, but they have their own lives to live. To me, once they find a mate or do their own thing that weakens our bond as well, because I no longer feel I have priority in their lives. Which is as it should be. That is where a mate is supposed to come in. When your family, soul or bio are living their lives, you make a life with your mate. By yourself is fine too, but people need companionship. This is why people turn to pets to fill that emotional void in their life when family is not there and neither is a mate.
I personally miss my cat. She's no dog, but she is my little trooper. I hesitate to say familiar, but a lot of the times she's more in tune with energy than the dog is. She's my little buddy once I return home and hugging her makes me feel better. However the loneliness remains for something more, but with so much working against me, I mostly just resigned myself to possible future outings with no expectation of anything romantic. I have absolutely no qualms about buying myself stuff for valentines day and taking myself out on dates for my birthday and buying myself what I want around christmas. Mostly because the things I buy end up infused with my energy anyway. Also it means I can travel as much as I want to, though I'm drawing a blank on future places to visit. I know within the US, I'll travel, but there's no sense in having a passport and not visiting another country. I want to go back to Scotland, but I also sort of want to experience Italy, Canada, Greece, Prague and Possibly even Belgium though my friend and I aren't friends anymore. Everyone keeps regaling me with stories of their visit to Belgium and how lovely it is there and how they went to paris and it was crowded and how Belgium is a much slower pace. Toss in the possibility of Chocolate, dutch pancakes and various other foods and I'm in. Not to mention I now have a slight addiction to exploring castles. It is not true that when you see one castle you've seen them all. Some are more maintained, some are ruins, but they're perfect for roaming and adventure that beats in the heart of every wolf. I like the smells, the energy and whatnot. I also want a place by the water. I need water as an element near me.
Perhaps it will be a sooner than later trip. It's the first time I've talked myself into traveling after all this traveling did me in this year. I'm ready to go to Washington and relax for a few months. My Doni sis may be visiting this summer. Hopefully around Blue Angel time :D Yeah that's blog for today.
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