It's not under the best of circumstances, but after 18 years away, I'm finally returning to Tennessee. A part of me feels like I should be annoyed, growly or something, but I'm strangely okay with the trip. Mostly because I am acting in a role I'm comfortable with in my sleep, which is the counselor and supporter during hard times. It feels weird to be so estranged from people who technically share my bloodline, but for my mom's sake, I do hope this trip turns out well. It would be unfortunate to go down and find out we went to see a coffin. :S
I suppose that's why it doesn't bother me to go down there. The one person who I intensely disliked has been somewhat reconciled with to the point, I gave her advice on what to do to communicate with her best friend's wife after his passing and she listened. So it's not all bad. Not to mention I get to see my surrogate cubs again after 4 or 5 years apart. I won't be able to pick them up any more or really know how to relate to them. I was a part of their lives for like three or four years or more and suddenly we got separated without even phone calls. That was on my behalf because these past few years have been rather crazy.
Hmm, it makes me think of my dog 2W or White Wolf. I know he's passed on as he was like 3 or 4 last I saw him and it's been 18 years. Sheba probably grew up and passed on if her owners took care of her. The other dogs in the neighborhood have probably gone on too. Makes me curious if I'll run into any while there. There was always a stray by my side last time I was there. I've officially come full circle without even realizing it. It's very odd to think of and makes me feel a bit lost. Like what do you do when you go full circle and reconcile with nearly all the demons of your past. They've been laid to rest and now it's time to move forward, but I don't know what to do now that I've almost been set free from my past me. Maybe it's just a matter of telling me I grew up and stop thinking of myself as that insecure little girl. I just can't think of myself as a woman. It's weird. I feel so childish a lot that I don't think I'll ever feel like an adult, but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing just weird.
I kind of feel bad the most that we're going to Tennessee to root on someone to live and my main goal is actually to eat a lot of food in Tennessee that I haven't had a chance to taste in 18 years. Yeah, that's probably terrible, but I can live with it. I can live with it.
Tuesday, 12 April 2016
Saturday, 2 April 2016
Wayward thoughts
So many thoughts are swimming through my head right now, I can't pin one down long enough to explore it. One of those restless nights where all you're left with is bittersweet memories. Think I might've overdone the helping everyone else out and not enough self care again. I don't mind helping out, but in places with low nature energy return, it's a little hard to drum back up that infusion of energy I need. I'm not hungry for anything either, so back to hours before eating anything. Terrible when your body refuses to eat when you don't have a taste for anything. Only when the shakes catch up to me will I probably eat again, which is bad I know, but if I try to eat, I mostly just circle the kitchen for an hour, before returning to my room. I kind of want pizza and breadsticks, but the pizza places near me suck. So gotta wait until I go home for a weekend to go have some decent pizza. Freaking Seattle.
I also can't help but think after 30 years, it's finally happened. I thought eventually I would try for a relationship, one step at a time and all that, but there is one specific problem with that thought. Utter lack of experience. I can't imagine my way out of this problem, because when I am faced with reality, I have involuntary reflexes that utterly reject even the smallest gesture. Case in point, a few years back, my friend abandoned me with a guy friend of hers who was willing to fix my computer. He gave me a ride home and she was supposed to meet me at my place and just never showed up. So I was stuck alone in an apartment with a guy and trying to entertain him while waiting for her to show up. Luckily, he was solid, although rather blunt and started teaching me a few martial arts moves at my request. I was nervous as crap, because literally first time even meeting the guy and I had never had a guy in my apartment or room, ever. He mistook my stiffness because of nerves for my pants being too long and before I knew it had dropped to one knee in front of me and was starting to roll up my pants leg so I could have easier motion. Well, beyond it being totally unexpected, there were two problems. One I just hadn't shaved and was embarrassed and two, I'd never had a guy touch my leg before either. As a result, I jumped about a foot away from him. He ended up looking up at me and asking was there a secret I wanted to tell him? I was tongue-tied, because well no, there was no secret, but I grow defensive when I'm in a depth where my feet aren't touching the bottom. This situation was equivalent to being out at sea without a raft. He acted uninterested, but made lots of comments about my body being in good proportion for all assets. I was like um, okay? It was just awkward and I could've strangled my friend, when half past 8 she texted and was like did he fix my computer? I was like no and he's still here. Where are you? She was like she went to another friends house. I was like wtf!? He eventually went home, but that was a crappy incident all around and I almost died of a heart attack from nerves.
The last straw was a friend of mine who I'd known for months. He gave me a lift home that was supposed to be more than just me, but I had more stuff than I thought I did and she got a ride with someone else. I wasn't nervous around him, so when he came back out of our place from helping me drag stuff in, I went to hug him goodbye. All was well, until I felt something against my stomach, because he was taller than me and out of surprise I jumped out of the hug. He looked at me strangely and I had no desire to explain that it just surprised me. I mean I get he was a guy with the anatomy, but it was very different to actually feeling it through a hug. If I wouldn't have felt more like an idiot than I already did, I might've facepalmed and tried to explain, but I just couldn't. Just wished him well on his journey home and sighed.
I think I thought something would change if I was more comfortable around the guy, but nope. I'm about as skittish and defensive as ever. It's all well and fine to write about stuff, but the reality freaks me the fudge out.
There was a guy who showed too much interest online, but he was too pushy. I tried explaining that hugs amongst strangers isn't comfortable, let's talk, but he took it as intense rejection. Like egad, I give up. Too much crap I don't know and too much attitude I do not want to deal with. So done with this. It was nailed home that I'd chosen to be alone forever vs trying to navigate the minefield of first experiences when I watched a movie with my favorite actor in it and felt nothing. I wasn't like aww what a lovely love story. It was just hmm that wasn't too bad. Good song at the end. Yeah, no emotion. Bleh.
Then regret keeps building up like poison in my head and heart and all I want to do is throw myself at the feet of my soul twin and apologize profusely for being a terribly selfish person. The only thing stopping me is that I have so much to say, I don't know which apology to send. Even if it isn't read, it's cathartic to send it until mailer-daemon says it failed to send. Then it's good old fashioned copy and paste, but an email works ten times better XD.
Lastly, there's a giant wolf spider I saw a few nights ago that I don't know where it went. Our landlord put down traps, but I don't think it's going to catch anything. With my luck with spiders, as soon as I let my guard down and the traps are gone, it will just come running out again in all it's creepy glory and I'm going to have a heart attack. Most spiders I can tiger up and kill it, but when it came running towards me, I simply screamed and ran the other direction. :P The embarrassment.
I dread the conversation I'll have to have with my sister. We were supposed to have it a few weeks ago, but I put it off, but this recent outburst from her makes me sure it's something I'll have to do. For years, my mom and I have brushed off their attitudes, behavior and more, but soo done with it. There are some people I can do without in my life. My siblings make up most of that category. I admit my request to her was unfair, but it was for some books at a store down the street from her. I was going to repay her. She said she couldn't do it because of time, so I asked my mom and we worked something out. All should've been well, but my sister had to go telling me to grow up and stop acting like a child and that my mom shouldn't have had to help me and it was over a delivery time. Like didn't she think that if I could've chosen the time, I'd have chosen when I was still close to the store and not back in Seattle? Honestly. Calling her self centered might not have been my finest moment, but she had p'd me off. So meh. Either way, if she can't be like family, I refuse to keep dealing with her. I'm never going to abandon my mom like they did and if standing by her makes me sound like I'm immature and dependent on her, I don't give a ff.
On another note, I am sick of people assuming that I've not done a single thing to help myself in the past 30 years. There's like a line of people holding their hands out so I can thank them for my success as if I did absolutely nothing. I swear if I become a famous author, everyone will want to be in the background going we got her to where she is today. Like can I take credit for doing anything or should I start saying I did nothing to get where I am today. I'm just a puppet of success that other people contributed to and that silver platter was in my mouth when I was born.
I usually don't get so annoyed by taking responsibility for my own successes as most I owe to God, Luck, Friends and Family, but sometimes it's nice to hear someone say you worked your butt off. We might have helped you financially, but all the emotional struggles were mainly you and most of the money was you too, until you fell down a bit.
Mostly I miss the sanctuary that I had a few years back. Just a pretend place in my imagination of flopping onto a bed and bugging my soul twin like he was the childhood friend I'd always wanted. That's honestly what I wanted our friendship to be. Not a relationship like love, although that would've been nice if all signs hadn't pointed to it being an impossibility, but a relaxed thing where I stopped feeling like I was bothering him or making him drag himself online where he didn't want to be and instead it was like going to visit him if we lived closer and just talking to him while he got ready or something. I've always enjoyed that dream of a friend you're so close to that you can just chill as they get ready and go hang out afterward. I've never been to anyone that closely and the sorrow that the one person who was the most like me couldn't be that just bummed me out. Sigh. So many wayward thoughts, so many things to get in order.
I want to be a writer, but with all these things clouding my mind, it's near impossible to find my new muse in this version of me and ask her to help me write again. I just hope the creative writing classes I'm taking will help straighten out the muse thing or help me understand I'm just as creative out of muse mode as I am in it. However, if I am going to be an author, I need to start acting like one. No more putting off writing when I have time to do it. Just gotta sit down and type. The creativity will come in the revision process I hope, but not too much revising. That will lead me back to my first story that was never finished XD
Well I feel better. Chillstep and mind purge worked. Time to go finish my letter of apologies and send them off, then relax with a manga.
I also can't help but think after 30 years, it's finally happened. I thought eventually I would try for a relationship, one step at a time and all that, but there is one specific problem with that thought. Utter lack of experience. I can't imagine my way out of this problem, because when I am faced with reality, I have involuntary reflexes that utterly reject even the smallest gesture. Case in point, a few years back, my friend abandoned me with a guy friend of hers who was willing to fix my computer. He gave me a ride home and she was supposed to meet me at my place and just never showed up. So I was stuck alone in an apartment with a guy and trying to entertain him while waiting for her to show up. Luckily, he was solid, although rather blunt and started teaching me a few martial arts moves at my request. I was nervous as crap, because literally first time even meeting the guy and I had never had a guy in my apartment or room, ever. He mistook my stiffness because of nerves for my pants being too long and before I knew it had dropped to one knee in front of me and was starting to roll up my pants leg so I could have easier motion. Well, beyond it being totally unexpected, there were two problems. One I just hadn't shaved and was embarrassed and two, I'd never had a guy touch my leg before either. As a result, I jumped about a foot away from him. He ended up looking up at me and asking was there a secret I wanted to tell him? I was tongue-tied, because well no, there was no secret, but I grow defensive when I'm in a depth where my feet aren't touching the bottom. This situation was equivalent to being out at sea without a raft. He acted uninterested, but made lots of comments about my body being in good proportion for all assets. I was like um, okay? It was just awkward and I could've strangled my friend, when half past 8 she texted and was like did he fix my computer? I was like no and he's still here. Where are you? She was like she went to another friends house. I was like wtf!? He eventually went home, but that was a crappy incident all around and I almost died of a heart attack from nerves.
The last straw was a friend of mine who I'd known for months. He gave me a lift home that was supposed to be more than just me, but I had more stuff than I thought I did and she got a ride with someone else. I wasn't nervous around him, so when he came back out of our place from helping me drag stuff in, I went to hug him goodbye. All was well, until I felt something against my stomach, because he was taller than me and out of surprise I jumped out of the hug. He looked at me strangely and I had no desire to explain that it just surprised me. I mean I get he was a guy with the anatomy, but it was very different to actually feeling it through a hug. If I wouldn't have felt more like an idiot than I already did, I might've facepalmed and tried to explain, but I just couldn't. Just wished him well on his journey home and sighed.
I think I thought something would change if I was more comfortable around the guy, but nope. I'm about as skittish and defensive as ever. It's all well and fine to write about stuff, but the reality freaks me the fudge out.
There was a guy who showed too much interest online, but he was too pushy. I tried explaining that hugs amongst strangers isn't comfortable, let's talk, but he took it as intense rejection. Like egad, I give up. Too much crap I don't know and too much attitude I do not want to deal with. So done with this. It was nailed home that I'd chosen to be alone forever vs trying to navigate the minefield of first experiences when I watched a movie with my favorite actor in it and felt nothing. I wasn't like aww what a lovely love story. It was just hmm that wasn't too bad. Good song at the end. Yeah, no emotion. Bleh.
Then regret keeps building up like poison in my head and heart and all I want to do is throw myself at the feet of my soul twin and apologize profusely for being a terribly selfish person. The only thing stopping me is that I have so much to say, I don't know which apology to send. Even if it isn't read, it's cathartic to send it until mailer-daemon says it failed to send. Then it's good old fashioned copy and paste, but an email works ten times better XD.
Lastly, there's a giant wolf spider I saw a few nights ago that I don't know where it went. Our landlord put down traps, but I don't think it's going to catch anything. With my luck with spiders, as soon as I let my guard down and the traps are gone, it will just come running out again in all it's creepy glory and I'm going to have a heart attack. Most spiders I can tiger up and kill it, but when it came running towards me, I simply screamed and ran the other direction. :P The embarrassment.
I dread the conversation I'll have to have with my sister. We were supposed to have it a few weeks ago, but I put it off, but this recent outburst from her makes me sure it's something I'll have to do. For years, my mom and I have brushed off their attitudes, behavior and more, but soo done with it. There are some people I can do without in my life. My siblings make up most of that category. I admit my request to her was unfair, but it was for some books at a store down the street from her. I was going to repay her. She said she couldn't do it because of time, so I asked my mom and we worked something out. All should've been well, but my sister had to go telling me to grow up and stop acting like a child and that my mom shouldn't have had to help me and it was over a delivery time. Like didn't she think that if I could've chosen the time, I'd have chosen when I was still close to the store and not back in Seattle? Honestly. Calling her self centered might not have been my finest moment, but she had p'd me off. So meh. Either way, if she can't be like family, I refuse to keep dealing with her. I'm never going to abandon my mom like they did and if standing by her makes me sound like I'm immature and dependent on her, I don't give a ff.
On another note, I am sick of people assuming that I've not done a single thing to help myself in the past 30 years. There's like a line of people holding their hands out so I can thank them for my success as if I did absolutely nothing. I swear if I become a famous author, everyone will want to be in the background going we got her to where she is today. Like can I take credit for doing anything or should I start saying I did nothing to get where I am today. I'm just a puppet of success that other people contributed to and that silver platter was in my mouth when I was born.
I usually don't get so annoyed by taking responsibility for my own successes as most I owe to God, Luck, Friends and Family, but sometimes it's nice to hear someone say you worked your butt off. We might have helped you financially, but all the emotional struggles were mainly you and most of the money was you too, until you fell down a bit.
Mostly I miss the sanctuary that I had a few years back. Just a pretend place in my imagination of flopping onto a bed and bugging my soul twin like he was the childhood friend I'd always wanted. That's honestly what I wanted our friendship to be. Not a relationship like love, although that would've been nice if all signs hadn't pointed to it being an impossibility, but a relaxed thing where I stopped feeling like I was bothering him or making him drag himself online where he didn't want to be and instead it was like going to visit him if we lived closer and just talking to him while he got ready or something. I've always enjoyed that dream of a friend you're so close to that you can just chill as they get ready and go hang out afterward. I've never been to anyone that closely and the sorrow that the one person who was the most like me couldn't be that just bummed me out. Sigh. So many wayward thoughts, so many things to get in order.
I want to be a writer, but with all these things clouding my mind, it's near impossible to find my new muse in this version of me and ask her to help me write again. I just hope the creative writing classes I'm taking will help straighten out the muse thing or help me understand I'm just as creative out of muse mode as I am in it. However, if I am going to be an author, I need to start acting like one. No more putting off writing when I have time to do it. Just gotta sit down and type. The creativity will come in the revision process I hope, but not too much revising. That will lead me back to my first story that was never finished XD
Well I feel better. Chillstep and mind purge worked. Time to go finish my letter of apologies and send them off, then relax with a manga.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)