It was the worst of times

It's not under the best of circumstances, but after 18 years away, I'm finally returning to Tennessee. A part of me feels like I should be annoyed, growly or something, but I'm strangely okay with the trip. Mostly because I am acting in a role I'm comfortable with in my sleep, which is the counselor and supporter during hard times. It feels weird to be so estranged from people who technically share my bloodline, but for my mom's sake, I do hope this trip turns out well. It would be unfortunate to go down and find out we went to see a coffin. :S
I suppose that's why it doesn't bother me to go down there. The one person who I intensely disliked has been somewhat reconciled with to the point, I gave her advice on what to do to communicate with her best friend's wife after his passing and she listened. So it's not all bad. Not to mention I get to see my surrogate cubs again after 4 or 5 years apart. I won't be able to pick them up any more or really know how to relate to them. I was a part of their lives for like three or four years or more and suddenly we got separated without even phone calls. That was on my behalf because these past few years have been rather crazy.
Hmm, it makes me think of my dog 2W or White Wolf. I know he's passed on as he was like 3 or 4 last I saw him and it's been 18 years. Sheba probably grew up and passed on if her owners took care of her. The other dogs in the neighborhood have probably gone on too. Makes me curious if I'll run into any while there. There was always a stray by my side last time I was there. I've officially come full circle without even realizing it. It's very odd to think of and makes me feel a bit lost. Like what do you do when you go full circle and reconcile with nearly all the demons of your past. They've been laid to rest and now it's time to move forward, but I don't know what to do now that I've almost been set free from my past me. Maybe it's just a matter of telling me I grew up and stop thinking of myself as that insecure little girl. I just can't think of myself as a woman. It's weird. I feel so childish a lot that I don't think I'll ever feel like an adult, but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing just weird.
I kind of feel bad the most that we're going to Tennessee to root on someone to live and my main goal is actually to eat a lot of food in Tennessee that I haven't had a chance to taste in 18 years. Yeah, that's probably terrible, but I can live with it. I can live with it.