The Problem with Energy

Being an energy user, if given the right support, can become just an every day thing in your life. You use it, you feel it, you read it, you absorb it, it's all like breathing after a while. The downside to being an energy user is that you leave trails of it behind and you need a foundation for it to feel right. For me, my energy base is my room. Something that belongs wholly to me with various items infused with energy to give me a boost when I'm feeling low.  To walk into it is to become calm, but recharged. My bed always has to go one place, mirrors have to go another, my dressers, tv, closet, bookshelf. Everything has to go into a specific place in order for me to feel the best flow of energy in a room. 

It's no wonder I'm territorial as the inner tigress that I am. It's not just a room and my stuff, but my own energy I'm pouring into it, expecting it not to be disturbed or messed with. The problem with living with others who don't believe in energy work or who refuse to acknowledge it and learn to practice it properly, is they trample all over those lines in your absence and even though you can feel it across the country, there's nothing you can do to keep it there when every essence of you is slowly and meticulously erased from a room. 

I suppose it's expected. Move out, and other people will move in, but what I don't like is people who tell me my energy and stuff will be as I left it when I come back, until I'm ready to lessen those bonds, then I ask what are they doing and they're like changing your entire room. Oh yes and that room won't be yours anymore. We're moving you elsewhere, if you'll have a room at all. They think it's just a room, but it's not just a room. It's the foundation of my energy until I can find a new place to set up and charge. However, it's impossible to stress the importance of the destruction of such a thing to people who don't understand or really don't care. They can't feel the eradication and broken bonds and displacement felt when you walk into a room that might as well be warded and see everything in tatters.

Then I'm supposed to act like nothing is wrong, when I feel this overwhelming suffocation, because I can't find safety anywhere in the room. Naturally the longer I stay in it, the more it will naturally be imbued with my energy and I'll feel more at ease, but I feel like if you say I'm welcome there and not to move my stuff out, make sure you mean it. Don't wait three months and suddenly out of the three rooms in the apartment, one to each person, one person gets two rooms, the other gets mine and I'm left in limbo. Not to mention the two rooms are identical, one not used and one mine. Why take my room when there's one that remains unused for months on end? 

I know of course the answer is to get my own place, which I'm working diligently toward, but until then, it'd be nice if I could believe people when they say they will leave my wards alone. It's exhausting getting a room to feel just right, so I go in and breathe a sigh of relief. Instead now I'll go back and just feel frustration, rage, and hopeless. Going to be a rough two years. :S 

Plan Revision

Beyond my seven year plan already going awry due to surgery, and having to switch schools and majors, I've realized that saving for building my dream house might be a bit more complicated than I originally thought. Dragging it out to 8 years, the payments I'd have to save per month are like 2900 plus dollars. That's not even including the price for buying land to build it on. I know I want to get an extra home, well more of a tiny house to set up in until I can save and build my house, but I sincerely thought it'd be easier to save up. With rents being somewhere around 1200 already, I'd need to make like 4000 dollars a month just to pull this off.

By next year, if I don't do Graduate school, I should finish school, so I have to start thinking of phase two of my 7/10/15/rest of life plan. Actually I might well be right on time. If the plan works out, by the end of the 15th year of that plan or the 32 year plan I've mapped out, I should be 57. So if I live to 57 and do a 12 year plan for my house, in between the 10 year plan which is to get a job, advance in it and make it a career, then save up and the 15 year plan of building my house and buying land to build it on, it should all be done by 57.

I have this irrational thought that I will die by 68, which is why I came up with the 7/10/15 year plan. 7 years for schooling, 10 years for a job to settle in and start saving, 15 years to save, build the house, and the last few years if that's all I have will be spent living in my house. I might get a pet somewhere in there or travel. Depending on what job I settle on, and if being an author pays off.
Still, I might have to drag that 12 out to 15 years to save up living in this economy or find a house to live in/own, so I can save up money instead of being stuck paying rent forever.

The design of my house is almost complete digitally. I would like to pay the company I'm using to build it on to print out the pictures and once I'm done with the second floor and the house is complete, I may just do that. Every Time  I see it, I feel buoyant with happiness, so having it built in real life will be a dream come true. I might need to make some of the bathrooms and stuff wheelchair accessible and maybe the second floor too. Going to have to figure out how to modify that, but first I need the money to build it.

I was calculating it out and it was stressing me out thinking I only had one phase of the plan left, but I've actually got about two or three, so if I have extra time, I should be able to pull this off. Just gotta keep going and focus. Focus.

Going to Japan is my other prevailing thought. I would like to do so by 2017, but I graduate that year. Possibly the quarter after I graduate which means no financial aid help. Now if I do graduate school, I might be able to actually study there for a year learning Japanese and teaching English as a Second Language while there. It's funny because I shy away from the idea of teaching English grammar to students, but I honestly think I'd enjoy teaching English as a language. I wouldn't exactly know where to begin, but knowing Japanese and English, I might be able to make it relatable. It's just the idea of living in another country for a year that makes me pause. Being in Scotland for five months felt a little long winded. I can't imagine living in Japan for a whole year.

Still, it's something to think about. Graduate study there or study abroad. Which one is better. So many decisions to make. Two paths that were not there before, appear ahead of me and I must choose which one to go. I still plan to be an author, but I need something that will pay immediately after schooling to start paying off loans. I need to put money into being an author, before I can get money back. Unless I happen to create a few masterpieces before I leave school, this should be interesting. Not intimidated though. Excited. Bring it on, I say. I'm ready.

Act your age

It took nearly 31 years, just shy of a month, but I finally feel my age. Da dadadaaaa! It was partially part of the chaos of being around my extended family for the first time in 18 years and it was partially feeling complete maybe. Not exactly as if I felt inadequate, just felt the reflection of myself no longer resembles a child anymore. Not exactly a woman either, that label just will never hold sway with me. Just I feel like an adult. Then again seeing your three nieces and two nephews side by side, and two of them are almost taller than you and walking to school by themselves, it's surreal and bittersweet. Be a lie if I said I didn't get a bit misty eyed. Being able to have an adult conversation with Aunts and Uncles, orchestrate a surprise party, being entrusted to drive all over a state you haven't been to in 18 years, by other adults in the car. It just felt like I'd assumed a role at some point and just became aware of it.

Moments like that always make me reflect on what I'm doing with my life, if the path I chose is the one I want to stay, and is there anything I would change? One encounter on campus, did lead to a surprising revelation, though no clue the implications of it. Probably just an observation, but I realized I'm not afraid of dating like I thought I was. What it actually is is too complex to fully flesh out. However, because of my skin color, certain males of the same skin color always feel the need to single me out. I was walking to the library and saw these two dudes walking, talking to each other and everyone around them was minding their own business. They didn't say a word to any of the girls walking by in those too short shorts that don't seem entirely practical, but because of my skin color as soon as they saw me walking by, in pants, not daisy dukes, one of them shouted out, "Hey Lil Mama".
I was like give me a break, seriously? It was then I felt this pain in my stomach. Not exactly a ball of nerves, but as of being exposed. Like you don't even know me. I could be crazy for all you know, but just because of my skin color, you call out a derogatory greeting and laugh about it afterward, as I walk by and say nothing. It's not the same as being catcalled exactly, because it wasn't so much an appreciation of looks as it was just acknowledging female of same race. The difference is subtle, but there.
Ansywho, I realized that I just wanted to be ignored or at least if you're going to call me out, call out the other girls who have walked past you, and you completely ignored. I felt like if  I was part of a collective of subjugated women, it was easier to draw support from that scenario of collective we don't want your attention, instead of being the only person of my skin color being called out to.

It's why I've always crippled myself with friendships because I'm always worried about the do they like me, do they not like me, let's make it to where they don't like me, so I feel safer as a non-interest party. Then I get all the love I need without risk. I know I have a good personality and am very friendly, if slightly psychotic, so I can receive love in that form easily.
It's the other kind that has so much negative connotations and I have no experience with that makes me get all bristly. Okay I never said I'd solved the issue with dating, just that I'm not afraid of it. I'm just highly avoidant to it.

I also realized that dogs greet me sometimes as they do other dogs. For example, today I was seeing a friend off at the link rail station and saw a brown poodle looking dog. It started pulling at its leash to come near me, and I reached down to it. The owner gave up trying to hold him back and I reached down to give him a side pat on the chest. He stayed in that position dogs get in, where one sniffs one's butt on one end, while the other is sniffing the others butt. Well he was sort of in that pose, relaxed, tail high and I was like yeah, I'm not that much of  a wolf lol. However, I did pet him when he leaned against my side briefly as dogs are wont to do. Love the little buggers.

Lastly, I decided that I am wolf indeed or I will just claim it whether I am or not. For the past few years there have been many doubts, but got very wolf like reactions from myself and realized that my doubt and isolating myself have kind of put my wolf instincts into remission. Now that I'm in the act of embracing those instincts again, becoming more blatently wolf like in behavior. It's hard to explain choice versus instinct.  I've always felt cat, but wolf attaches to people too easily...still. I've learned it's just a thing that happens and have given up trying to figure out why. That question drove me nuts for too many years. Now I'm just like I want to focus on my writing and I need those feelings to write, so going to just let them flow for now and see where they go.

I got absolutely nothing done today, but watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I cracked up when I realized that was his voice and not the helmet for Kylo Ren, but decent movie. I'm terrible at keeping it all in order or what would make sense, though I've seen nearly all the movies. I hadn't really intended to watch this one, but my friend insisted.  I must make her watch Mad Max; Fury Road. That's about it this time around. I wonder if I should worry about using blogs as an impromptu pensieve. Probably not.