Self Illusions

What do you do when you realize that your entire love life could have all been perceived inside your own head? What do you do when you realize that all the cues you've ever thought meant attraction don't and the only attraction you can be certain of feeling was unwanted? Recently while taking a walk in the beautiful Scottish countryside to my dorm that this may indeed be the case.
As far back as I can recall I have never understood this spell of being alone. At first I didn't notice anything amiss as I strove to keep together my disintegrating familial bonds. Back then my family was my safety net. The only thing I could securely depend on. Even after learning of my therianism, my family were unnaturally supportive. One of my sisters even going so far as to say if ever I acted normal, she would think something was wrong with me.
However, no amount of trying on another's part can keep a family together that doesn't want to be together. Around this I spent more and more time alone, or rather more than usual. I stayed safely ensconced in my own head and although I thought guys were attractive or looked interesting, I never seriously thought of dating them. I didn't think anyone found me attractive. Then came along Nate Hart and his bike riding literally across my path as I took another thoughtful walk I am oftentimes famous for. I noticed him immediately because of his eyes. They were the unique color of a wolf. Pure silver.
Now as I did notice handsome or cute guys, I would have let this go too, only he seemed to respond to me too. We ended up having the same class the next year and it seemed as if he was interested. However, in hindsight it could've all just been coincidence. In fact I based a lot of queries on 'Is he attracted to me' on what I learned from him. Indeed there was even a time he said something along the lines of How you doing sweet thang. Which I can tell you dropped his attractiveness to 0. I don't appreciate talk like that.
Next up was Alexei Semenov. Our friendship was more complicated. I had just decided that I wanted to be alone and to stay as far away from people as possible. My feelings are hurt unnaturally easy, so to protect myself this is always my fall back plan. Though in those days I was much more convicted than I have to learn to become again. I sat in the oh so hated seat in the front of the class and focused on Marine Biology. I was safe for the first three days of class, which was about a week. Then comes in this extremely outgoing kid with a godawful bright yellow shirt who appears to be friends with half the class. I immediately write him off, at least up until the teacher pairs him with me (the only one without a partner in the class). I tried to keep it brief, but the teacher appointed me as bringer up to speed person, which I tried to do in the most detached way I knew how. Unfortunately he was completely unfazed and didn't understand my handwriting, it is rather deplorable, and soon my project became our project. Dubbed by him of course. I went to weight training to work off some extra weight and the super fit guy with the skintight spandex on was none other than Alex. I was thinking somewhere along the lines of you've got to be kidding me.
I'm not sure when I admitted defeat and we became quasi friends. Only that for a long while I just enjoyed his company and overlooked his protective tendencies. Unfortunately that's where I got in trouble. Up until Alex I'd been told I had to be strong, crying was a weakness, having emotions meant nothing. Product of a family splitting apart. With Alex, he acknowledged I was tough and strong, but if anyone tried to talk to me or bother me, he was warning them off. Even when I didn't need him to, he was challenging guys on my behalf. Which to any female who's had to be strong for a good portion of their life is sort of an aphrodisiac. Then I made the mistake of giving him fashion advice. That wearing black looked good on him and stop wearing light colors. I wanted to seriously burn that yellow shirt.
Long story short, I set myself up for my own downfall. Alex was friends with everyone, so I should have known that friendship was all he wanted. Even more I would've gotten this all out of the way if not for a rude girl the next year telling me they went to the movies together, which to my untrained never dated eye, meant they were dating. So I clammed up. Eventually ruined our friendship by pestering him too much post graduation and that was that.
Wolf was my next mistaken love I suppose you could say. He was a wolf therian like myself and very unafraid to answer the various questions I had. He was also very affectionate and as a wolf who craved a pack at the time, I fell hard into the closeness. At the time I could even feel hugs over a distance, without someone telling me that they were hugging me or sending that type of energy my way. Unfortunately, no matter how I tried to get close or define myself in Wolf's eyes it didn't work. When he moved spelled the end and the connection was broken. I shouldn't have worried or felt guilty though. He wasn't really considering me as a partner of any kind, though we vaguely discussed it. As a polyamorous person you'd think he wouldn't be so picky. Unfortunately you'd be wrong. Then again it might have had something to do with the ten year gap between us, but I was mature for my age if I do say so myself.
Though admittedly I had no clue that a woman's biological reaction to desire was not the same as hopping into a Jacuzzi. :P Anywho one day wolf ceased to talk to me and that was that. I'd heard he spoke to another of our mutual friends which pissed me off and I was like nope. In fact, it always seems when my anger overrides my feelings is the easiest way to stop liking a man. I got mad at nate for his crass way of speaking( I had beef with the entire gang he hung out with back then), Alex had his coworkers(long story) lie to me to avoid talking to me. Don't believe me, well when someone says hang on he's(alex) right here in front of me, then the line goes quiet and the person comes back on the phone and is like I don't know where he is, I keep paging him but he doesn't answer. Would you like to leave a message? Well I got the hint. Rather than be vindictive and point out the obvious fact that he said Alex was right in front of him and unless he pulled a magic trick and vanished he could tell me to fuck off himself, I let the whole thing go. Then wolf disappearing and talking only to one person when I tried my best to be a good friend, well it just took the cake.
I seem to always be overlooked for something more important. Lastly came my he who must not be named. I thought finally a good match for myself. He wasn't the 'one', which I in fact don't believe in, but he was a damn good close enough. He was also damn good damaged goods and not attracted to me.
Honestly I don't understand it. How can I go my entire life without dating and no one is attracted to me. Even worse why would my feelings lie to me and make me think the attraction was mutual when it was not. A clearer case I can't find was during and post he who must not be named. This guys name was Michael. Japanese American guy who I'm not afraid to say was hot, could dance, loved martial arts, etc, etc. I worked in a library and saw him constantly. Not only that, but he seemed almost on the verge of talking to me, before well not. So one day I bit the bullet, assumed he wouldn't want to talk( I should've known better) and he was very open, friendly and smiley. I was like yay. He also had a habit of mysteriously smiling whenever he was around me. Perhaps it was desperation but I took this to mean he liked me. Again I was wrong. A lot of my friends at the time tried to tell me so. That everything about him sounded so coincidental, but I was sure if I felt he liked me, surely something was there. Again why would my feelings lie to me. Well they did and once again I was all like mew and he was like unaffected. Go figure.
Which leads me to this late night blog of pondering. Why did I misperceive these ultra friendly cues as attraction and why couldn't I stop it? Why did they develop to begin with and could this false sense of attraction mean that my senses are all off. I followed this same sense of belonging and hopeful attraction to Scotland. It all started with a past life memory and evolved into the thought that maybe it was someone calling out to me as my lonely soul longed for them. Yeah I don't often tell people that last part, but it's true. My true desire in coming to Scotland was hoping that my soul mate was here waiting for me and that was why I'd been alone so long. Karma or whatever was saving me for him. However when I met he who must not be named, he sort of filled the bill where the 'Phantom' was.
He also suggested maybe the phantom wasn't real which for some unknown reason back then I took into serious consideration and deemed him right. So phantom went away.
Yet I continued to feel strongly about something and so morphed that into my official desire to figure out this memory and come to Scotland. Yet now that I'm here I've been plagued with doubts. What if the feeling that I followed here, phantom or a sense of home, was false? What if as I perceived attraction from every guy who was not attracted to me, I perceived this sense of home and an answer in Scotland. It made me re-evaluate my thinking back in O6 when I created this idea of going to Scotland. Back then I wanted to fit in somewhere. I was too weird as an American and everyone was sure my life would exist in a foreign country.
I wanted to have my own place in the world, much as my sisters and brother travelled due to military or circumstance and felt certain places were indeed like home. I loved Washington, but at the time I just wanted to leave it. I wanted to establish my own place, no one else had gone before. Florida was my first attempt that failed, but it gave me hope in that while in florida, I pinpointed the location of this loneliness as leading overseas. So I could have easily created a phantom and a false sense of home and came to Scotland looking for something, when now that I'm here I'm wondering what if there really is nothing. I mean I came here expecting one or the other. This being either a really cool trip to another country or I will find answers, but honestly I really felt I was going to find answers. Instead I'm left with more questions? Did I really create this mayhem that is my lack of a love life? Could all this drama, angst and sorrow have been avoided if I hadn't focused on one boy as more than just a friend?
Why couldn't I just have been happy alone? It bothers me and makes me worry and I also am afraid of leaving Scotland and nothing happening. Yet I both wish that will happen and dread it. I'm so confused that I don't know what's real perception of feelings and what is created all in my head. Is the real inner me the enemy?

Next week, we will discover my inner thoughts on coming to Scotland and so far finding...nothing.