Loss

What do you do when all you've ever wanted is gone? That you've striven to hold onto something so small, simple, and easier than wanting riches and fame. You think you're born into a family, so how hard can it be to be a part of one, to feel like you belong, to feel safe, loved, and cared for? I shouldn't have to want comfort from strangers who have to replace those of my own flesh and blood. I shouldn't have to say that the only people in my life who care about me, didn't even know me until I was well past 18. I was technically legally an adult, by the time they came to care for me, but they do a better job of it than the people I grew up with for the last 30.
My bio family has been one I've striven to protect, to give chance after chance, to let them continue to be a part of my life no matter how badly they treat me, but I've reached the final straw. The camel's back is broke. I don't know if I can care any more, if I can look them in the eye and find any semblance of love there. It makes me wonder if maybe there was never any there for so long, but I hoped that it was.
This last time was so ludicrous that I can't wrap my mind around it and after all of it happens, even though it's me who was victimized in the situation, I got told that the other party feels better after we got to fussing. That they feel better because it was a bad day for them, but now they're over it. We can move on with kittens and roses and the sun is shining so brightly. I'm like I see nothing but a black hole where our relationship was before. I see nothing but seething rage over the silliness that sparked the argument. I see nothing but betrayal when you tell me you side with my sister, when you helped me get into the situation in the first place.
I am so beyond pissed that I can't do anything but cry, rage, cry, feel numb, experience shock, then rage and cry some more. I cannot abide by this. I can't. I can't let it go, I can't forgive, I have the inability to really want to even talk to that person, let alone be around them after what happened. I sacrificed my entire weekend to help out and all I got was snide remarks that I didn't want to be bothered by a niece and nephew I'd already been bothered by for some hours and handled it solidly enough. I got snide remarks about how I put my homework first, after giving up a lie in since two adults older than me were screaming so loud, the kids tv couldn't cover the noise, who were slamming things around and making me worry about domestic violence. I obviously put my homework first, when I then fed the kids, went shopping for the household, took the kids out to the park, drove the kids 20 minutes home and 20 minutes back, then stopping off in two different locations, before returning home, helping look for a missing wallet diligently for an hour and keeping the pets out of the way the best I could so as not to annoy the person looking for said missing wallet then taking up my own responsibility to give my cat food and water to show that I didn't expect my mom to do everything. It just so happened that in this entire day of focusing on my homework, before starting it at 10 o clock at night, when it was due by 11, that I moved some clothes in the closet on hangers, back a little to look at a box on the floor while looking for cat food. It just so happened that at some point, unbeknownst to me a robe fell off the hanger. I also forgot to put the clothes back. This turned the snide remarks into full on disparagements of me tearing someone's house apart just because  I thought they were neglecting my cat. That I was too busy focusing on my own work to put the closet back to the way it was. This awarded me not just an argument where it was lamented that a 30 year old would dare defend herself in a house, she helped pay for not that long ago when the car and rent were in jeopardy without a complaint, but also a locked bathroom door that remained shut as if the inhabitant inside couldn't bare to look me in the face until they thought I had gone to bed. Then they came out and went peacefully to sleep, ignored me for the most part the next morning, then want to give me a hug goodbye with an I love you.
Really? Really? Which part of me do you love? The one whose there in an emergency only. The one who goes out of her way to help, when she gets shit on in return?  The one who has had so many late assignments over this quarter it will be a miracle if she passes for putting everything aside to help out her family?  Her freaking family who can't even look her in the face because a robe fell on the floor in a closet on the second floor and she didn't notice or fix it? The family that puts her down for needing help of any kind, and everyone thinks she's immature, irresponsible, lazy, and needs to grow up and be independent? What fucking family is that?
All I've ever wanted in this godforsaken life was to try to be there for my family and to have them support me and care about me and not a goshdamn one of them can accomplish it without resenting me in some way. I can bend over backwards, sell everything I own and take a bus for life for them and they will only ever see what affects them. I cannot do it any more. I just can't. I can't go on acting like everything is fantastic, that all is forgiven, when it's not. I wavered on some decisions regarding my family, but they are going to be finalized. Everyone wants to look out for themselves, fine, I'm looking out for me. I'm putting me first. I'm going to be the most selfish person any one knows and I'll be damned if any one pisses on me about it. Fuck you. You had all the 30 years in the world to appreciate my selflessness that has allowed me to stand by your sides, to support you all, to try and hold this stupid family together by sheer will alone, but no more. If I can't expect you to be behind me, I don't want you anywhere near me. All I wanted was love and I got hate, so I'm giving hate back tenfold. Fuck everything.