Caught in the Riptide

Most of the time, when people think of the future, they think about how short it is. They think about how much they want to accomplish and live and feel like they don't have enough time to do it in. Today, I became aware that I think the exact opposite.  I'm counting down the days to death. Not that I know them anyway, but I can't help but think, how much longer do I have left to live and it's so much time. Like if I am to live to sixty, and am 31 now, then I have 29 years left to live. I have plans, I want to accomplish things, but I also see the terror, tragedy, injustice, and horror of being humans and realize that with every accomplishment and occasion, I'll still have to live with that too. It makes me tired, more so than my soul already is. For such a young age, I've done a lot, accomplished a lot, and seen a lot. I've healed people and comforted them when they're broken and I dread the day I will lose them. I think of my mother's age and my soul sisters. I think what if one day they were all gone? What if I do outlive them and have to watch as they all pass away? Then on the flipside, I think if they outlive me, will they be able to carry on without me? It's all this really weird mystery, but also this looking back and forward at the same time. In the past, the stones are laid and done. I can't change them, nor do I want to. I honestly, don't think anything would change even if I did try to change something. My family has recently realized  I have become almost immortal in who I am. They say people change, and I know I have, but I've also remained the same after a certain point. The lessons most people take until at least 50 to learn, I learned them all by 31. I can give advice as well as a social worker and live by my own decree that has navigated me successfully through this life, but at the same time, I think, now what? I mean I've not dated, but don't need to, to know the best way to get along and the best way to weed out a good mate, but also, I know that by learning this, I've made myself virtually undateable. I don't have a specific preference for anything, because I know everyone has preferences. I know that  I won't try to be something I'm not, because inevitably, I'll only return to be who I am most comfortable being, which as many people know may not always be as attractive as one would hope. I want to experience so much, but I have a limited amount of things I want to experience. Like many people want to experience everything and as much as they can. I don't mind tagging along, but my list of things to experience and make me happy is much, much shorter. I've given up on dating, so it made my list chibi sized. It's not a bucket list, unless my house doesn't get built before I die, because I know I can experience everything on it in the next ten to twenty years. Barring any bad stuff happening, which will manifest in some form or another, so I've got that covered too. If one word could describe me,  I now know it would just be accepting. A trick I learned from my soul twin and of course bruce lee or whoever came up with the idea of be water when a force rises up against you. Bad things are always going to happen. I could resist and give myself more damage, or just let it roll on by. It might snag and hurt a bit with rocks and debris, but in general if I let it go, it will fade. I think that's why I'm ready for life to end already. Not in an I want to end my life sort of way, but in a unless aliens fall to Earth, not much can surprise me these days. I'm just like hmm. It probably helps, I can often read people and situations almost to a T, that I know how to react, despite my emotions wanting what could be, I know what is. However, the possibilities will help me write. Just thinking too much on a quiet night. Always quiet on the outside and used to be turbulent inside, but slowly mellowing, okay well further mellowing with age. I feel like a tree just settling deeper into its roots, ready for storm, fire or what may come until it dies. It's not a bad thing, but many will view it as so. Hence, why I write where no one really reads. I no longer think my innerme is my enemy exactly. She's my motivation, but too late to change the title now or if I can I'm too lazy to do it, so meh. The next few years have potential for change, but also, it has just as much potential to stay the same and I like that. I like that I can look back on videos, unfortunate ones, taken of myself and think ah, that same general unenthusiasm and measured response is still the same. That same uncertain sense of style is there and more. Either way, this song seemed fitting for the day since it's been running through my head a lot. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyLwf0SecLU I don't own it. ;)