Left Behind

As I trudged along behind my friend who was the first to ever visit me from out of town, I saw black squirrels on the ground for the first time ever. I was so excited and I wanted to take a picture. My friends receding back, got further and further away from me, So I said enthusiastically, look, look black squirrels. She just made a dismissive gesture with her hand and said, who cares, they're everywhere. I don't want to see a black squirrel and kept moving. As I stood in shock absorbing this dismissal, I took out my camera and snapped a few pictures of the rambunctious black squirrels. I didn't look to see where she went, I didn't try to hurry to catch up. I had experienced this before. In fact, it became startlingly clear to me that I'm somehow always surrounded by people with one foot out the door. I'm forever stuck with people who don't look back to see if I caught up, nor do they come to see me to begin with. I tagged along. I just wanted to be close to my friends. I'm not doing that anymore. I don't chase after people. We eventually somehow happened to both need an emptying of the bladder and she waited for me to complete my own ablutions, but if she hadn't, had she left, I would have left and never turned back. Which sounds stupid. Like you forced her into hanging out with you, why should you be upset if she left you behind? And the answer is surprisingly simple. Because I wanted to hang out with her. I could have let her explore Vancouver and Seattle on her own as was her original plan. I could have let her get a hotel and be on her schedule and had we met up, we would have met up, though I doubt it, because I would've gone home and bypassed her altogether. So I stayed, I put my grades in jeopardy to play a good host and I was constantly threatened with being left behind. 

Beyond complaining, I also realized, this is a recurring theme with, if not 100%, then 90% of all of my friends. I go to see them, I want to hang out with them. Yes, their city, state, or country is gorgeous and it's nice to explore, but really I just want to sit down and talk to them, walk with them, get to know them. I have only been able to do that once. One time where I felt like I was cared about, encouraged to visit, and actually friends with someone. Every other time has been a distant rush towards getting me out of their life faster. A vague affirmation of some sort of positive emotion towards me coming to visit or just plain and simple far too busy. And I wonder, what is the point anymore? I mean I don't just travel for my friends, but if I can to meet them, hang out with them, affirm a bond, then I don't mind, as long as I'm wanted. Turns out I've never been wanted. Apparently, I've just thrown myself into people's lives, insinuated myself, and fooled myself into thinking people really care, when they don't. I've only ever been selfish in ways of survival and usually it's so that I can reach back and save someone else. Help them or teach them to survive by leading by example.

Not to mention every time I try to give up humanity, some other poor sucker is thrown in my path to be cheerful, make me feel less alone, less isolated, less angry, only when I try to grasp the proferred invisible hand of friendship, it completely vanishes. It's no longer there, no longer, beckoning to me to hope, to want to be close. 

I am just tired now. Tired of being left behind. See, not like the move. Lame joke, but no more. No more am I reaching out and no more will I accept those who are thrown in my life for whatever reason. I am done. I hope my writing will some day be good and have a market, so I can just withdraw from the world. My mom will be by my side, but...well, besides her, I want to be alone. Message received loud and clear. No one wants you and no one ever will.