Why?

I think, if one were to look up the most pointless existence in the human world, my life might be one of the top five. I honestly don't know why I'm here. There's always been variations of this sentiment littered throughout the rest of these pointless monologues, but only recently have I begun to really wonder why am I here again. For as long as I can remember, my first key to happiness was my family. I loved them dearly. I was total ride or die, do a blood bond, you go to jail, I go to jail committed. I would have died to protect every last one of them and I would never do anything to hurt them, only to discover over the past, er, 14 years or more, that none of them feel the same.  I am a target to hurt, to maim, to betray, and to forget so long as it suits them. Losing them left a deep wound, I never thought could heal, then came the dreaded search for a mate. At first it was some weird misguided belief that if some random dude whisked me away, physical pain of first intercourse would replace emotional turmoil in my heart. I was a weirdo, hoping some random movie star would drive by, find young me interesting and whisk me away from where  I was. Needless to say that didn't happen and thank god. What a psychotic and dangerous situation that would have been. So I resolved to be a hermit and go live in the mountains. I had a weird, firm, set of what I would do and where I would go, should I have no reason to return to my splintering home. Pretty sure had  I lived in Japan, I would have become a monk. In fact, I even began to look up how to become a monk. Short answer, I can't. I'm female. Boo. I want to give up worldly vices and live in peace on a mountaintop and still have some respect, but nope. We get stuck in a stupid convent, locked away in a garden. Oh joy. So, I settled for when I get older, I'm living alone. Total Kevin sentiments there, only I kept getting people thrown in my way. This person would go far out of their way to befriend me, that person would invite me to dances, but I was the pity kid. I wasn't so much a popular we like you kid, it was more like meet our charity case. She's awkward, shy, and rarely speaks, but she's harmless. I was like some sort of pet, but I just wanted friendship. Then as those little kindnesses spread and people seemed to like me, I gave up the mate dream and went running towards friends. Most girls want a romance with a childhood friend like they see in the movies. Where the boy and girl grow up next to each other and find out one day they're perfect for each other and love ensues. Yeah, I was more enamored with the sisterhood of the traveling pants of life. I wanted a best friend from elementary school, who knows me throughout the rest of our lives. We visit each other, plan to live in the same city, I attend her wedding and child classes, or we travel together and are like super sophisticated. I didn't care what, but I just wanted someone to want to be there for me, for me. Because they actually liked me as a friend, a mate, a sibling. Instead, I have no one.
I go to school and come back home to solve problems. That's literally all my life is. I go on trips with friends who want to achieve what they want to do and I go to experience it as separate but together. I allow myself to be dragged all over timbuktu, because sometimes travelling with others is worth the hassle than going alone, but I end up alone anyway, so what does it matter? Everyone is willing to leave me behind if it furthers their own ends. Most of my guy friends just can't stand being alone, so proposition some sort of attachment together and I'm like thank you for making me feel even more worthless. I get to be picked last and as a last resort, because I have a pulse and a vagina. Woo-fucking-hoo. The bitterness inside is boiling over to the point, I just don't really want to be around anybody anymore. I'm ready to hole up in an apartment somewhere in a city, so no one cares who I am and cut off all ties. No electronics, or rather no social media. No phones, except a prepaid one for emergencies. Just disappearing, because there is nothing left for me anymore. My disappearance won't be missed and I guess instead of thinking about it, I should just do it. I guess some people are all talk. I need to learn to be action. I seem to have only goodbyes left. I guess that's my legacy.