Only Human

It seems, no matter how hard I try, I will never be normal. I know, it's the hipsters and outcasts pride to not be like everyone else, but I've kind of been trying to be like everyone else. I want to be normal, but I am unaware of which ways I am not normal. Case in point, my sister says she's mad at me. Color me surprised, because  I can't think of anything I've done wrong. She says your nephew was hurt, you didn't call. I was like I heard through the grapevine he was all right. She says that's not the way it works. If you love your nieces and nephews and hear something has happened to them, you call to check on them personally. I'm like really? Why? You already have the information that they're okay through the grapevine. Apparently, the goal is to show you care.
I was a little non-plussed and promised to try and do better, but mostly I need to overthink this. Like obviously, I can't be the only one to trust the grapevine that someone is doing well, but it felt frustrating, and also like a gulf opened up between me and where I want to be. In my mind, I'm showing I care. In my mind, learning from someone else, how someone is doing, is sufficient to show I care enough to ask. To learn.
My idea of showing I care is that I genuinely want to know if you're okay or not, no matter how this information is obtained.  The problem is that, once I know you're okay, I tend to vanish back into whatever has absorbed me from the beginning.
I feel like there's this detachment of sorts from me and everything around me, but I am unaware of its existence until someone points it out. Then it's like I can't unsee it. I've never been one to think oh this is how they say you should act, so I should act it. It's more like if I feel logically it makes sense, then I wonder why didn't I do it? The answer is usually as simple as I didn't think about it, and as I don't have natural reactions, it leads to weird conversations of familial propriety.
I attribute most of it to being raised away from most people. I wasn't isolated, but in a situation of in a crowd full of people, still feel alone. Everyone did their thing and I endured whatever I was going through in silence.
I wish I could say my silence was sort of an oppressed thing, but really it didn't get that way until years later. The first times it happened, it was because I didn't really care about certain situations. Being shunned by popular girls who giggled all day like airheads, put me of the opinion that they were idiots, so I was better off. Sure it hurt when they invited my sisters to birthday parties, but not me, but for the most part, I didn't notice it. My brain always felt preoccupied with something else. Like seeing another world.
I've always been especially enamored of the outdoors, but it feels like someone is always watching and listening and as if there are two worlds and not just this one. I didn't think much of that, until I started to see the second world, then it's almost like am I crazy? My response is probably, but I'm okay with that.
However, I realized that animals and nature don't often speak.They have noises and for everyday functions use sounds, but I feel like they aren't really speaking. Their bodies speak for them. Their actions speak for them. I think it's why I've always had a hard time believing words over actions. Words are empty. They are broken, separated, torn apart, and spread like ashes whenever the speaker chooses. However, their actions are consistent.
If you tell me, you'll always be there, but you're almost never physically there. Then I'm not going to believe you'll always be there. A lot of my friends show their actions by asking about how I'm doing, coming around specifically to check in with me and other stuff. Things that over time with their words, let's me know, they're there for good.
Humans don't have tails to raise in times of dominance or lower in times of fear. They don't have twitchy, lashy tails when irritated, or use them as tools. Humans use words, but words lie. However, the reliance on words reveals the truth behind them. Some people don't mean what they say and some people don't know what they mean.
I miss the simplicity of my word is my bond and not being okay with actions that feel misleading. I suppose it's why I need to stop looking at people's body language and start listening to what they say. Maybe it's reverse and everything I need to know is only human words and not animal actions. I suppose in the long run we'll see.