For some reason tonight, I've come down with a serious case of the blues. Mostly it's just feeling lonely and a wee bit disconnected. My roommate is doing her thing right now, and I think I might have isolated her a bit by explaining I might be rather anti-social with her fella who's coming in April to visit from England I think. I was only trying to explain to her that I wouldn't be trying to be rude or not like her guy by my hiding in my own room. It's just it will be a stranger and they're sort of doing some online dating thing is my guess. It's sort of like dating does not invite a third wheel. So mostly I give people space when they have someone like that in their lives, so they can really connect. It's both a respect thing and a reticent to warm to new people thing. I'm sociable wolfy, but I have moments of skittishness. :S
The disconnect is also that I have work, I have classes that are actually working towards my degree, I have japanese all available around the house, I have books and movies, and I'm super busy with homework. Yet despite all this I'm not motivated worth a damn to do anything but lie down and stare at my ceiling or lie down period and maybe have a cry. Bleh. I don't understand it. Just don't feel right tonight.
I made a 7 year plan, of which I'm currently in year 2, and I made a 10 year plan to follow the achievement of the 7 year plan, and then I made a rest of my life plan after I achieve, the first 17 years worth of planning. Possibly less. I've gone to Scotland. I've really honestly well and truly accomplished more than I ever thought I could, but it mostly means nothing. I'm just doing stuff cause I have to. I can't live without a job, so I go to College to get a degree to get a job. I sit in class and I focus and I work hard, but all the while I'd rather be sitting somewhere in sunshine with a laptop open and me just typing for hours or reading for hours. I want to be able to go to a coffee shop and soak in the atmosphere. This life would have me racing a million miles and I just want to stroll. There are days when I do want to be super busy, but it's honestly just to drown the thoughts in my head. They're there everyday, so many reminders of loneliness, pain and regret, of rage so deep and frustration so keen and I can never get rid of them. Then there's the bane of my existence of false hopes, of wanting things I'm trying so desperately to give up and not need again.
So far I'm failing miserably at everything. I'm trying so hard to be just happy and I'm not more often than I am. I don't know the answer, I don't know the key, which is true of 100% of the world but people want what they can't have. I've isolated out what I can't have and trying to give it up and fulfill the time with other things I want, just not as much as what I really want.
For the life of me, all the jobs, classes, family and friends in the world cannot replace just wanting to be held for just a moment. Just to finally let down all the years of built up defenses and to really truly and well believe someone when they tell me it's okay, someone else is taking charge. I won't have to be the sole person there for so many people, I won't have to work on not expressing myself, because so many people don't understand. It's like yeah I have my true self always forward, because I want people to take me as I am, but there is a vulnerable part reserved for just one person alone and I haven't found them. I honestly doubt they exist, but every now and again in silence, I just wish for once I could be a person to just choose anyone to hold me, to pet me and kiss my head and say you're all right, I'm here and not going anywhere. I'll watch over you. It has to be believable or It won't matter and that's the problem in a nutshell. No one says that anymore, no one truly cares that deeply about someone else to be that knight in dim armor, with a lot of dings and bruises on their own, but willing to be yours alone.
Some days I love reading and other days I curse the day I ever picked up a first semi-romantic book that planted that thought of something like that could happen in real life. It doesn't and it's what I cannot bury no matter what I do. So I write blogs, purge it into the pensieve and seal the thought and leave it for the next time I'm attacked by the blues.
Sunday, 26 January 2014
Saturday, 25 January 2014
Fade Away
Seether
Fade Away
I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away
I wanna be there when you cry
And when you’re down I’ll help you fly
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
But I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
And I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away
Early mornings are good for only one thing. Reflection. Well, that is, if you happen to be sitting in a library at 10am in the morning to work. Which I am. I love my job, and I had a great night out at Oronoka dancing with my friends although I abstained from drinking on behalf of a very painful headache. Which dancing, loud music, shouting to be heard, etc. wasn't the best cure (Food was) I was surprisingly tolerant of it. I was all proud when the songs I chose by request got the most people out on the dance floor and hyped up the vibe in the place. I wasn't exactly fully immersed in the experience, but it was fun. So why the title of one of my favorite songs? Well for one I woke up and that ache was back. I know getting over people takes a long time, but it's always seeing the person's face everywhere that gets you. Now I know I never met Z face to face, but I ran across some pictures in my massive repertoire while looking for pictures for a montage of my niece for her birthday. I don't know if that was the cause of it, but as I danced and the lights strobed, I thought I saw him yesterday, but I knew he wasn't there and yet I felt like a part of me searched anyway. There was a moment of silence in every second since that I wished he could've been there. I wished we could've ate, and hung out and had a good Friday night. I wished he could've stood beside me shivering as we waited for a cab in the cold, and mused on all the food we wanted post dancing. I wished we could've laughed at something silly and maybe sat up and talked a bit before going to bed. Separate beds of course. There's a ball of aching want sitting in the pit of my stomach as there has always been, and it's because I've really always wanted him by my side and I still do honestly. There's a million reasons I've gone over in my head why I said goodbye, and 99% of it is on me. Mostly because I didn't understand exactly how much he'd entrenched himself in my life and a lot of it is I didn't understand him. We talked, but we never had a lot of times where we could go in depth and honestly I never knew what to ask. I mean if someone poses that question of ask me anything and I'll answer, it sort of stalls your brain with the possibilities. Then immediately it's like what can I ask that's not too nosy at first, then it's what is relevant to what's going on in your life. It's also I hate prying in other people's lives, especially my friends. I'm close to people, but I try to leave that room to retain their own individuality and often that means I don't ask the questions I should. It's also that I still have the mentality that everyone should be like me. I didn't realize until recently that I kept pushing and pushing the poor man, because I wanted him to change to be like me. Sometimes I have too high of opinion of myself and it being reinforced by techniques that have worked with various friends, means I always thought my way was the right way. My way is no middle ground. Middle ground leads to regrets and I wanted no regrets. So everything in my life had to be black or white. Z was gray, or silver if you want a distinguished color to it and he refused to be anything but that. It literally drove me nuts, because I was dealing with an unknown, a not absolute. I didn't know if he'd absolutely stay in my life or not, I didn't know if what I felt for him was more than friends or just friends, I didn't know if I wanted to visit him or not. It was just my brain fried when it came to Z, because I couldn't understand him. Which is the 1% that was only part of his personality is that sometimes he tended to not explain why he was gray. I may have a better idea why after speaking to another demonkin on neutrality of emotions, but I wanted to hear that from Z. Probably as much as Z wanted to know why I was so wildly emotional. One minute I was simpatico cool, then I was raging with angst. Mostly it was all because I wanted to mean as much to him as he did to me and whenever I wanted him to pick black or white on the subject, he blended the colors and made gray. For the longest time I didn't understand why there was a need to have that gray area, but I suppose for him it was as he said. He takes a while to make decisions. He takes a while to fall in love, and takes a while to trust someone and takes a while to decide on certain actions. I've never had to make a really tough decision without my instincts until I met him and they went suspiciously haywire. Usually I'm the epitome of calm, controlled, decisive action, but with Z, I didn't know whether to hold on tight as possible or to let go. It was Z who showed me that I always have a third option that could lead to more possibilities. I could've kept Z for as long as I wanted, lots of communication or not, if I'd accepted that third possibility. I'd always had that third possibility, because Z was in my life and I was in his and it just was our friendship. There was no need to explain it, to determine how long it would last, what it had to mean to me and others. For the longest time Z fought for our friendship, until there was no fighting my own insecurities and conviction that everything had to be absolutes. That Z had to fit one mold or another, instead of being his own. Everyone keeps telling me I'll find another friend, that I'll connect to someone else, or that he'll always be special, but if I move on then soon it'll be just a pleasant memory. I keep trying to tell myself that too. Yet as I talk to new people, new guys, new friends, even as I'm open to dating and still hopeful of finding someone I'll click with, there's still Z right there with me. I don't want him to fade away like Alex, or wolf or Aaron or the others I liked, but I never connected with. I didn't bond with them and yet I severed the one bond I wanted for as long as I'm alive if I had my way. It wouldn't have to always be strong, and I wouldn't always need him there, or at least I'd try. Jaguars can't change their spots overnight. I've almost sent an email asking him to make a compromise, but then I read our last two emails sent and received and ask myself am I really that selfish? What if he's better off not worrying about the tangles of being online, What if he's found his corner of Zen that we've both been searching for our whole lives? Is it really fair to try to start up something again, when I know it can be tiring and disheartening to be around me at times. Such as irony of the moment, I realized that I'm always trying to convince him of something and he doesn't see it, when he's been trying to convince me of something this entire time too and I don't see it. So it's like hit and miss.*sighs* I just want my soul twin back V_V I don't feel complete or content without someone who says they understand and means it. My friend called the other day and was talking about how we're family, we're blood even though we're not biologically related and I was like I still have my family, but I'm missing one key member. Z. In the end to email or not to email is still the question.
Fade Away
I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away
I wanna be there when you cry
And when you’re down I’ll help you fly
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
But I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
And I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away
Early mornings are good for only one thing. Reflection. Well, that is, if you happen to be sitting in a library at 10am in the morning to work. Which I am. I love my job, and I had a great night out at Oronoka dancing with my friends although I abstained from drinking on behalf of a very painful headache. Which dancing, loud music, shouting to be heard, etc. wasn't the best cure (Food was) I was surprisingly tolerant of it. I was all proud when the songs I chose by request got the most people out on the dance floor and hyped up the vibe in the place. I wasn't exactly fully immersed in the experience, but it was fun. So why the title of one of my favorite songs? Well for one I woke up and that ache was back. I know getting over people takes a long time, but it's always seeing the person's face everywhere that gets you. Now I know I never met Z face to face, but I ran across some pictures in my massive repertoire while looking for pictures for a montage of my niece for her birthday. I don't know if that was the cause of it, but as I danced and the lights strobed, I thought I saw him yesterday, but I knew he wasn't there and yet I felt like a part of me searched anyway. There was a moment of silence in every second since that I wished he could've been there. I wished we could've ate, and hung out and had a good Friday night. I wished he could've stood beside me shivering as we waited for a cab in the cold, and mused on all the food we wanted post dancing. I wished we could've laughed at something silly and maybe sat up and talked a bit before going to bed. Separate beds of course. There's a ball of aching want sitting in the pit of my stomach as there has always been, and it's because I've really always wanted him by my side and I still do honestly. There's a million reasons I've gone over in my head why I said goodbye, and 99% of it is on me. Mostly because I didn't understand exactly how much he'd entrenched himself in my life and a lot of it is I didn't understand him. We talked, but we never had a lot of times where we could go in depth and honestly I never knew what to ask. I mean if someone poses that question of ask me anything and I'll answer, it sort of stalls your brain with the possibilities. Then immediately it's like what can I ask that's not too nosy at first, then it's what is relevant to what's going on in your life. It's also I hate prying in other people's lives, especially my friends. I'm close to people, but I try to leave that room to retain their own individuality and often that means I don't ask the questions I should. It's also that I still have the mentality that everyone should be like me. I didn't realize until recently that I kept pushing and pushing the poor man, because I wanted him to change to be like me. Sometimes I have too high of opinion of myself and it being reinforced by techniques that have worked with various friends, means I always thought my way was the right way. My way is no middle ground. Middle ground leads to regrets and I wanted no regrets. So everything in my life had to be black or white. Z was gray, or silver if you want a distinguished color to it and he refused to be anything but that. It literally drove me nuts, because I was dealing with an unknown, a not absolute. I didn't know if he'd absolutely stay in my life or not, I didn't know if what I felt for him was more than friends or just friends, I didn't know if I wanted to visit him or not. It was just my brain fried when it came to Z, because I couldn't understand him. Which is the 1% that was only part of his personality is that sometimes he tended to not explain why he was gray. I may have a better idea why after speaking to another demonkin on neutrality of emotions, but I wanted to hear that from Z. Probably as much as Z wanted to know why I was so wildly emotional. One minute I was simpatico cool, then I was raging with angst. Mostly it was all because I wanted to mean as much to him as he did to me and whenever I wanted him to pick black or white on the subject, he blended the colors and made gray. For the longest time I didn't understand why there was a need to have that gray area, but I suppose for him it was as he said. He takes a while to make decisions. He takes a while to fall in love, and takes a while to trust someone and takes a while to decide on certain actions. I've never had to make a really tough decision without my instincts until I met him and they went suspiciously haywire. Usually I'm the epitome of calm, controlled, decisive action, but with Z, I didn't know whether to hold on tight as possible or to let go. It was Z who showed me that I always have a third option that could lead to more possibilities. I could've kept Z for as long as I wanted, lots of communication or not, if I'd accepted that third possibility. I'd always had that third possibility, because Z was in my life and I was in his and it just was our friendship. There was no need to explain it, to determine how long it would last, what it had to mean to me and others. For the longest time Z fought for our friendship, until there was no fighting my own insecurities and conviction that everything had to be absolutes. That Z had to fit one mold or another, instead of being his own. Everyone keeps telling me I'll find another friend, that I'll connect to someone else, or that he'll always be special, but if I move on then soon it'll be just a pleasant memory. I keep trying to tell myself that too. Yet as I talk to new people, new guys, new friends, even as I'm open to dating and still hopeful of finding someone I'll click with, there's still Z right there with me. I don't want him to fade away like Alex, or wolf or Aaron or the others I liked, but I never connected with. I didn't bond with them and yet I severed the one bond I wanted for as long as I'm alive if I had my way. It wouldn't have to always be strong, and I wouldn't always need him there, or at least I'd try. Jaguars can't change their spots overnight. I've almost sent an email asking him to make a compromise, but then I read our last two emails sent and received and ask myself am I really that selfish? What if he's better off not worrying about the tangles of being online, What if he's found his corner of Zen that we've both been searching for our whole lives? Is it really fair to try to start up something again, when I know it can be tiring and disheartening to be around me at times. Such as irony of the moment, I realized that I'm always trying to convince him of something and he doesn't see it, when he's been trying to convince me of something this entire time too and I don't see it. So it's like hit and miss.*sighs* I just want my soul twin back V_V I don't feel complete or content without someone who says they understand and means it. My friend called the other day and was talking about how we're family, we're blood even though we're not biologically related and I was like I still have my family, but I'm missing one key member. Z. In the end to email or not to email is still the question.
Monday, 20 January 2014
Wishy Washy
I've come to the conclusion that I am the most wishy washy person in the universe. It occurred to me last night while trying to sleep that I make drastic decisions, and then I execute a plan to give an absolute answer and then I regret my decision immediately and then cannot go back. Or rather I can't find a way back. It's sort of like darn I need to be less effective at executing plans that seem smart and better for my well being and others at the time, but well I can't say it's not, it's more like I don't know what it is.
I've run into that mercurial world known as prospective dating again. I finally decided to go back online to a therianthropy group and there was a guy who seemed interesting. I felt that little pull I always do, but on an intensely smaller scale thankfully. However, said guy eventually made a post aimed at lone wolves and as myself and one other person(who was a male) were really the only two loners in the group, once I responded, it sort of sealed the deal of an invitation to privately talk by pm. I was fine with it, added him as a friend and whatnot and we spoke for a few hours. Mostly it was a very clear if I wanted to, he may have considered dating me sort of thing that it lead up to.
Unfortunately, my need to mate have both regressed to near nonexistence and accelerated to where it's like yeah anyone will do. However, I still can't accept just being a cuddle buddy. The guys pitch was, I'm divorced, you're fun, you're single, you're a wolf therian, I'm single, and a wolf too. We should get together just because. It seemed so shallow, but then I realized what if that is dating? I mean isn't that the point of people going to clubs is to meet someone who seems fun and date them to see if there's something more?
Then I made a huge faux pas I didn't know was a faux pas. I thought well we've only known each other for a few hours, so maybe it takes time to really go about this dating thing. So I just said well it's nice to have met a new friend. His response didn't sound encouraged, actually I think it ticked him off just a bit. He was like friend? And every response after, he kept tacking on friend like it was a derogatory word. Then the next day, he was like Hello Friend and that was about the time he just stopped talking to me. Perhaps I have this dating thing backward, but I thought we could at least be friends, but apparently not. I was kind of bummed, but it wasn't that much of a thing to reflect on. If anything, I think I was more freaked out by the prospect of having someone actually interested and like oh my gosh what do I do? I tried to access my repertoire of what normal people do and was like blast, they all just were dating one day. There was no leading up to dating that I could have observed and copied. I just plain felt absolutely inadequate to handle such a situation.
I was trying to buy myself time, so I could figure out how to handle it, but apparently the interest was just I need a warm body, you're a warm body, that's all that matters. I think he immediately found another warm body to try to pitch his proposal to. Maybe she'll figure it out and respond the correct way.
As for me, I've come to the conclusion I sorely need practice, but if it happens that fast, I don't think there's a way to get practice unless someone can understand I'm just stumped. You'd think it'd be an easy question, but it's rarely phrased in such a way.Which leads me back to the purpose of this blog is that I am looking to get practice, least I feel I'm in an outgoing enough mood and emotional space to try it without too much of an emotional backlash, but I came to college to live on campus so that I'm surrounded by young people I absolutely refuse to date or who I feel too old to date. I wanted to deter myself from looking anymore when I decided on celibacy for the duration of my life. However, now I'm like could look and instead everyone is 17-24 and you'd think being only about 4-5 years older wouldn't be much of a difference, but it is! Not to mention it's like watching the dance of attraction is more amusing than I would like to join in.
Add in my completely oblivious nature to such things and it's like I've come to the conclusion I'm doomed. I can't find a way around it. I know there's a solution, but it's like there's a solution to a rubiks cube and even following step by step instructions I cannot figure it out. Then I realized that with my friendships, I am a subtle control freak. So subtle that I don't even notice I'm aiming for control, until I've destroyed said friendship beyond all recognition to what it was. I deal in absolutes. I don't like middle gray areas. They confuse me, so I force everyone around me to choose, black or white. Not skin color, but one extreme or the other. I don't like people to be in between. Unfortunately it's only in hindsight that I really see that I've done this in every last one of my friendships. Most of my friends do fall in one category or another and that makes me happy, but it also means that they don't mean less, but that I don't have to focus on them so much as when people refuse to be put in one area or another.
Which leads to my overall conclusion that I am the wishy washiest person on earth. I want what I cannot accept and if I cannot accept it, I get rid of it. It works when you have negative people in your life, but it's a bad situation when you're trying to figure out the important positive people in your life.
I don't know where this thought was going. I started this blog like two days ago, thinking I'd have internet by Saturday, but then I wasn't able to get our kit to hook up the internet and my roommate wasn't able to do so either, so instead I had to wait until Monday when buses ran and I had work to finish this blog. So most of the thought processes are like what was I thinking about? XD I swear sometimes myself and I do not get along. Thankfully there is a lovely meditation focus class beginning tomorrow. So meditation to align my brain it is. Ciao for now and feel free to add comments my Doni sis :) And whoever keeps plus 1'ing as well if it's not just google doing so XD
I've run into that mercurial world known as prospective dating again. I finally decided to go back online to a therianthropy group and there was a guy who seemed interesting. I felt that little pull I always do, but on an intensely smaller scale thankfully. However, said guy eventually made a post aimed at lone wolves and as myself and one other person(who was a male) were really the only two loners in the group, once I responded, it sort of sealed the deal of an invitation to privately talk by pm. I was fine with it, added him as a friend and whatnot and we spoke for a few hours. Mostly it was a very clear if I wanted to, he may have considered dating me sort of thing that it lead up to.
Unfortunately, my need to mate have both regressed to near nonexistence and accelerated to where it's like yeah anyone will do. However, I still can't accept just being a cuddle buddy. The guys pitch was, I'm divorced, you're fun, you're single, you're a wolf therian, I'm single, and a wolf too. We should get together just because. It seemed so shallow, but then I realized what if that is dating? I mean isn't that the point of people going to clubs is to meet someone who seems fun and date them to see if there's something more?
Then I made a huge faux pas I didn't know was a faux pas. I thought well we've only known each other for a few hours, so maybe it takes time to really go about this dating thing. So I just said well it's nice to have met a new friend. His response didn't sound encouraged, actually I think it ticked him off just a bit. He was like friend? And every response after, he kept tacking on friend like it was a derogatory word. Then the next day, he was like Hello Friend and that was about the time he just stopped talking to me. Perhaps I have this dating thing backward, but I thought we could at least be friends, but apparently not. I was kind of bummed, but it wasn't that much of a thing to reflect on. If anything, I think I was more freaked out by the prospect of having someone actually interested and like oh my gosh what do I do? I tried to access my repertoire of what normal people do and was like blast, they all just were dating one day. There was no leading up to dating that I could have observed and copied. I just plain felt absolutely inadequate to handle such a situation.
I was trying to buy myself time, so I could figure out how to handle it, but apparently the interest was just I need a warm body, you're a warm body, that's all that matters. I think he immediately found another warm body to try to pitch his proposal to. Maybe she'll figure it out and respond the correct way.
As for me, I've come to the conclusion I sorely need practice, but if it happens that fast, I don't think there's a way to get practice unless someone can understand I'm just stumped. You'd think it'd be an easy question, but it's rarely phrased in such a way.Which leads me back to the purpose of this blog is that I am looking to get practice, least I feel I'm in an outgoing enough mood and emotional space to try it without too much of an emotional backlash, but I came to college to live on campus so that I'm surrounded by young people I absolutely refuse to date or who I feel too old to date. I wanted to deter myself from looking anymore when I decided on celibacy for the duration of my life. However, now I'm like could look and instead everyone is 17-24 and you'd think being only about 4-5 years older wouldn't be much of a difference, but it is! Not to mention it's like watching the dance of attraction is more amusing than I would like to join in.
Add in my completely oblivious nature to such things and it's like I've come to the conclusion I'm doomed. I can't find a way around it. I know there's a solution, but it's like there's a solution to a rubiks cube and even following step by step instructions I cannot figure it out. Then I realized that with my friendships, I am a subtle control freak. So subtle that I don't even notice I'm aiming for control, until I've destroyed said friendship beyond all recognition to what it was. I deal in absolutes. I don't like middle gray areas. They confuse me, so I force everyone around me to choose, black or white. Not skin color, but one extreme or the other. I don't like people to be in between. Unfortunately it's only in hindsight that I really see that I've done this in every last one of my friendships. Most of my friends do fall in one category or another and that makes me happy, but it also means that they don't mean less, but that I don't have to focus on them so much as when people refuse to be put in one area or another.
Which leads to my overall conclusion that I am the wishy washiest person on earth. I want what I cannot accept and if I cannot accept it, I get rid of it. It works when you have negative people in your life, but it's a bad situation when you're trying to figure out the important positive people in your life.
I don't know where this thought was going. I started this blog like two days ago, thinking I'd have internet by Saturday, but then I wasn't able to get our kit to hook up the internet and my roommate wasn't able to do so either, so instead I had to wait until Monday when buses ran and I had work to finish this blog. So most of the thought processes are like what was I thinking about? XD I swear sometimes myself and I do not get along. Thankfully there is a lovely meditation focus class beginning tomorrow. So meditation to align my brain it is. Ciao for now and feel free to add comments my Doni sis :) And whoever keeps plus 1'ing as well if it's not just google doing so XD
Music of the soul
SKYLAR GREY LYRICS
"Words"
Always in a rush
Never stay on the phone long enough
Why am I so self-important?
Said I'd see you soon
But that was, oh, maybe a year ago
Didn't know time was of the essence
So many questions
But I'm talking to myself
I know that you can't hear me any more
Not anymore
So much to tell you
And most of all goodbye
But I know that you can't hear me any more
Chorus
It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
And as I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I never said
I can't take back the words I never said
Always talking shit
Took your advice and did the opposite
Just being young and stupid
I haven't been all that you could've hoped for
But if you'd held on a little longer
You'd have had more reasons to be proud
So many questions
But I'm talking to myself
I know that you can't hear me any more
Not anymore
So much to tell you
And most of all goodbye
But I know that you can't hear me any more
Chorus
It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
And as I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words
The longer I stand here
The louder the silence
I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear
Your voice when the wind blows
So I talk to the shadows
Hoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know
Chorus
It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
And as I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I never said
I can't take back the words I never said
Never said
I can't take back the words I never said
Saturday, 18 January 2014
New Mantle
For the longest time I've been encouraged to become a leader. I've been placed in temporary leadership roles to see how I would and asked a dozen times to be an alpha or to teach others. I've always abstained from being a leader or placed in such a role, because of an irrational fear few know I have. Somehow I got it into my head as a pup, that being a leader is like being a military leader. That others lives are in my hand and depend on me to make the right choice. Sometimes it will bring a military leader and their troop to victory and sometimes, most regrettably that choice will cause the loss of life. I never wanted to be responsible for the loss of lives ever again, although this lifetime I've never been near a battlefield or even in a fight. Finally, after Scotland, I had a Social Work class that I volunteered to be a leader. Well, okay not exactly. My professor said she chose 7 owners for imaginary agencies and before she told us the names, did any of us think we would make good owners. I like to move class time along, so I volunteered fourth after it was clear that she wanted up to 7 people to volunteer. She then told us to go to the front of the class and tell people why they should work for us as social workers. Then she said we were officially the new owners of a nonexistent agency. It was up to us to hire four employees, and for our employees to choose to work for us. We had to appoint CEO's and delegate positions to new employees. Then we had to come up with a name, policies, a group our agency would target for selling ideas to, etc.
My group was actually going to name me Owner and CEO of the agency, but we weren't sure if it was okay, so I appointed a volunteer CEO and our agency became known as Countries Apart, but never by the heart. My CEO came up with that. Although it's a fake idea, it sort of was like stepping back into a role that was made for me. I was a little nervous at first, because I didn't know if anyone would choose to interview me for a job, but once everything was settled, I felt better. Like ah leadership my old friend. Then I went to my job at the library to work out a new schedule and hours for the semester and my boss told me that he wanted me to take on a supervisor role. Again it's minor and just for students, but basically I'm going to be given more responsibility to fulfill the Student Supervisor role. Once again, I wasn't freaking out like I usually would be. I was happy to be back at work and surprisingly I haven't forgotten nearly as much as I thought I would. I feel calm, cool and collected in both leadership roles that were sort of presented to me and I could have declined them both, but I think I want to try to be a leader more often these days.
I don't know where it will lead in the long run. It's a position that I don't take lightly, because I have a slight tendency to consider myself all powerful in my domain after a while, but I think these small positions of donning a new mantle will be fine. So hopefully we'll see how it goes.
My group was actually going to name me Owner and CEO of the agency, but we weren't sure if it was okay, so I appointed a volunteer CEO and our agency became known as Countries Apart, but never by the heart. My CEO came up with that. Although it's a fake idea, it sort of was like stepping back into a role that was made for me. I was a little nervous at first, because I didn't know if anyone would choose to interview me for a job, but once everything was settled, I felt better. Like ah leadership my old friend. Then I went to my job at the library to work out a new schedule and hours for the semester and my boss told me that he wanted me to take on a supervisor role. Again it's minor and just for students, but basically I'm going to be given more responsibility to fulfill the Student Supervisor role. Once again, I wasn't freaking out like I usually would be. I was happy to be back at work and surprisingly I haven't forgotten nearly as much as I thought I would. I feel calm, cool and collected in both leadership roles that were sort of presented to me and I could have declined them both, but I think I want to try to be a leader more often these days.
I don't know where it will lead in the long run. It's a position that I don't take lightly, because I have a slight tendency to consider myself all powerful in my domain after a while, but I think these small positions of donning a new mantle will be fine. So hopefully we'll see how it goes.
Monday, 6 January 2014
A clue!
Well what do you know, the guy I'd been avoiding due to a falling out a year or so ago, provided information that I didn't know and if it's true, it provides a sort of answer to a long standing question. See I'd come to Scotland trying to figure out a memory. When I first awakened as a wolf therian I had this memory of a place with a river rock wall, cobblestone streets and a forest and me standing under a street light looking at something in my hand. Through a series of things, mainly meeting a vampire and dragonkin, I ascertained that I was standing beneath an old fashioned lamp post with light illuminating me. To my left was a meadow that led to a forest with pine trees or firs. The moon wasn't full, but it was nearly full with clouds wisping by. To my right was a river rock wall that ran up further behind me up a hill into darkness and in front of me leading down and naturally curving to the right, eventually leading to a T section street. To the left it stretched out with only one house obscuring the view and to the right there were more houses with triangular roofs. In front of the T section there was a river and I'm sure a bridge that led over that. Either way I was standing beneath it looking at a gold grandfather watch or pocket watch. It was ticking away and I got the feeling I was waiting for someone. Hoping they'd appear and it would absolve me of what I had to do. However, after waiting an indeterminable amount of time, memory me sighed, put the watch back in my pocket and resolutely walked down the street knowing I was aiming for one of those houses to the right. I feel like the guy was supposed to meet me to keep me from harming someone he cared about, however due to him not showing up, I had no choice but to do as I was bade or what I came to do. Not sure.
Anywho, speaking to a demonkin person and he explained to me that demons and fae abound in and from Scotland in not droves, but darn close enough. That often there were deals made with demons for one reason or another and that scotland is sort of protected by a pact or circle of some kind. It made an interesting sort of connection that my memory of not making a deal, but well having a deal that if this guy would do this, then I would provide protection or do something for him and him breaking the deal so I couldn't do anything for him. It almost makes a sort of sense.
Like if I'd told the guy that I could protect his family from the deal he either broke or contemplated breaking then it would explain my waiting around at like the crack of midnight, hoping he'd come through, but he never did. I don't know what happened to him. I have another dream of being inside one of those houses and all heck breaking loose, but no clue if I wrote it down as a dream journal or not. It makes me think of my soul twin and if perhaps he had something to do with it and maybe doesn't know or remember. Hmm, so many possibilities. Must tell my soul sis. Finally a clue in the mystery that shrouds my past. :D
Anywho, speaking to a demonkin person and he explained to me that demons and fae abound in and from Scotland in not droves, but darn close enough. That often there were deals made with demons for one reason or another and that scotland is sort of protected by a pact or circle of some kind. It made an interesting sort of connection that my memory of not making a deal, but well having a deal that if this guy would do this, then I would provide protection or do something for him and him breaking the deal so I couldn't do anything for him. It almost makes a sort of sense.
Like if I'd told the guy that I could protect his family from the deal he either broke or contemplated breaking then it would explain my waiting around at like the crack of midnight, hoping he'd come through, but he never did. I don't know what happened to him. I have another dream of being inside one of those houses and all heck breaking loose, but no clue if I wrote it down as a dream journal or not. It makes me think of my soul twin and if perhaps he had something to do with it and maybe doesn't know or remember. Hmm, so many possibilities. Must tell my soul sis. Finally a clue in the mystery that shrouds my past. :D
Friday, 3 January 2014
Moving on -Chronicles of Z part 1
Some days are better than others and some days just suck. I've tried my best to try to view it all in a positive light, but so long as I do that, I can't let go. I know I should delete the contact, erase all traces and lock away every email and IM of the past six years to finally move on, but I just can't. It's complicated to erase someone who was soo close to your heart and a part of your every day life as if they never were. It's hard not being able to reference to the two most important people you'd met thus far in your 28 years of life. I think to myself, why on earth did I choose before the holidays to end it? Couldn't I have waited a few months longer? But then the answer everyday stares me back in the face and the question returned is what is the difference? What did I want? What did I expect? Then I remember I expected nothing in the beginning. I just followed a feeling, but now I've learned that feeling has betrayed me. I don't even know what that feeling is or what causes it. So did I indeed create my only regret? The answer is yes. It got twisted and complicated, until there was no telling up from down, only so much feeling. This is in homage to my only regret and it will be long, but I need to purge it from my system and move on.
When I first met him, I didn't know how important to me he would be. He was on a different forum and had a girlfriend at the time, my friend and I joined. I think there was maybe one post that he even responded to that long time ago in 2005. During that time on the forum, I felt that feeling. It's sort of a mix between longing and a rush of adrenaline. Something that invades every part of my being and makes me know something is interesting about that person. However at the time I was fairly sure I was intimidated as the only admin I knew was my friend BR and other admins tended to be jerks. I didn't think he'd be a jerk, but I figured he wouldn't be very open to talking to someone like me. I'd gotten a wee bit of a glimpse into his life, his relationship with the girl he'd been with then and his connection to my friend who was supposed to be like a soul sis to him. However, Job Corps at the time and my passing fancy with Wolf kept me from attaching to him and it'd be another year or so before I even ran into him again.
Sometime in 2007, he joined the forum ran by my friend BR and sort of co-overseen by myself and another friend SN. Which just means we tried to make sure it had posts. hehe. I again was distracted mostly because I was in a transition phase. I'd just met a group of vampires, otherkin and therians at a gathering. I'd spoken to one of the members of the Grove about a situation in her life she was having, but I realized I didn't really make an effort to know what was going on in other people's lives, although I posted tons of rants, I was still very much closed off. So in the spirit that happens after a successful gathering, I wanted to really be friends with the people on the Grove, not just acquaintances. Indeed I'd sort of already spoken to the other members, but not him. He, I felt threatened by in every way possible. Being a wolf makes one very territorial and to me it was my territory being invaded and it was either challenge this new person to get him to leave or befriend him and make an ally. I recall there was a post about er some sort of explicit topic and it made me both attracted and intrigued to the new guy. So one day I messaged him to become friends. From then on thus was born my friendship with Z...
Yeah right, it was more like I'd begun speaking to him. I was overjoyed for a new friend, but terribly rough around the edges, pushy and well a wolf. I'd gotten most of my online etiquette from the vampire house I hung out with. They were always challenging each other, telling terrible jokes, and just in general like a family where you get to be yourself and have occasional meetings. So I took all that energy and focused it on Z. I'm truly and honestly surprised he stayed my friend as long as he did. I was a serious brat or as much as one can be online. However, I also followed my code of friendship, which is to be the best friend you can be and be there for people and never let them feel alone. I tried to make sure to respect boundaries and keep most of my opinions to myself in the beginning. I didn't think it was going anywhere, because we were completely separate people. At the time he was all serious and I'm so old and the mountain does not bow no matter how hard the wind blows. I was like play time? Let's play! Ball, ball, who has a ball!? With the occasional serious opinion thrown in on the mutual forum the grove. I figured six months to a year and we would be done being friends.
However on my birthday of that year he did something unexpected. Or to me it was unexpected as I was pretty much counting down the time until we wouldn't talk again, assuming he would get fed up with me as so many others did. Instead for my 22nd or 23rd birthday he gave me his loyalty, for when I needed a friend and even there when I didn't think I needed a friend. Such a simple thing, but to me it was the best most powerful birthday present I had ever been given. For years I'd searched high and low, far and wide for someone who understood the code of a warrior, and the meaning of giving one your loyalty. A vow that is never given lightly and not meant for just fickleness. To me, being given loyalty was the finding of a kindred soul. I wanted to cherish it in a picture frame and refer back to it time and again as if it was the holy grail. It was pure magic in its simplest form and he had no idea the trouble it would cause him. Nor did I, because I didn't realize I was really starting to like him as more than a friend until a little while later.
Now, I may have created my own downfall in being attracted to him, but it was mostly because my friend had a horrible time saying no and I was very very good at pushing him in the right direction. I don't know if in the beginning he was ever attracted to me, or if I'd just kept slapping down the idea so much there was no option left but to choose it. He didn't recall, but there was a time when he said if I had lived closer, he might have considered dating me. Upon which I determinedly was like eh I'm a nomad and my family expects me to fall for a foreigner anyway, so I could move. I don't think it was an actual offer, just my own heart took it that way. I did try to stop it, to grab it back and squash out the flame of desire that had already been borne. I remember discussing it in the early days of our friendship. My not so useful around him, hypothetically speaking speech came into play about something with attraction and he saw right through it to me being the one attracted to him. Of which he did let me down easy and I tried to backpedal hard, but it was tough going.
Even then I thought he'd finally walk away and I wouldn't have to worry anyway, but he stayed. He literally has the patience of a saint, cause I'd have beaten myself a long time ago or ditched me if I were in his shoes. I had gotten used to the vampire house etiquette, of one person offers this about themselves and then the other person offers up something about themselves and have a lovely conversation. However, Z did not follow that etiquette. I will say he was open, but only if you can think of the right questions to ask at the time. I was terrible at thinking of questions. I always felt like I was intruding and being nosy anytime I asked a friend something. I figured it'd come up sooner or later so why try to extract it from them first?Which is about where we started having communication issues.
To be continued, Part 2 and the end to follow in the next day or so....
When I first met him, I didn't know how important to me he would be. He was on a different forum and had a girlfriend at the time, my friend and I joined. I think there was maybe one post that he even responded to that long time ago in 2005. During that time on the forum, I felt that feeling. It's sort of a mix between longing and a rush of adrenaline. Something that invades every part of my being and makes me know something is interesting about that person. However at the time I was fairly sure I was intimidated as the only admin I knew was my friend BR and other admins tended to be jerks. I didn't think he'd be a jerk, but I figured he wouldn't be very open to talking to someone like me. I'd gotten a wee bit of a glimpse into his life, his relationship with the girl he'd been with then and his connection to my friend who was supposed to be like a soul sis to him. However, Job Corps at the time and my passing fancy with Wolf kept me from attaching to him and it'd be another year or so before I even ran into him again.
Sometime in 2007, he joined the forum ran by my friend BR and sort of co-overseen by myself and another friend SN. Which just means we tried to make sure it had posts. hehe. I again was distracted mostly because I was in a transition phase. I'd just met a group of vampires, otherkin and therians at a gathering. I'd spoken to one of the members of the Grove about a situation in her life she was having, but I realized I didn't really make an effort to know what was going on in other people's lives, although I posted tons of rants, I was still very much closed off. So in the spirit that happens after a successful gathering, I wanted to really be friends with the people on the Grove, not just acquaintances. Indeed I'd sort of already spoken to the other members, but not him. He, I felt threatened by in every way possible. Being a wolf makes one very territorial and to me it was my territory being invaded and it was either challenge this new person to get him to leave or befriend him and make an ally. I recall there was a post about er some sort of explicit topic and it made me both attracted and intrigued to the new guy. So one day I messaged him to become friends. From then on thus was born my friendship with Z...
Yeah right, it was more like I'd begun speaking to him. I was overjoyed for a new friend, but terribly rough around the edges, pushy and well a wolf. I'd gotten most of my online etiquette from the vampire house I hung out with. They were always challenging each other, telling terrible jokes, and just in general like a family where you get to be yourself and have occasional meetings. So I took all that energy and focused it on Z. I'm truly and honestly surprised he stayed my friend as long as he did. I was a serious brat or as much as one can be online. However, I also followed my code of friendship, which is to be the best friend you can be and be there for people and never let them feel alone. I tried to make sure to respect boundaries and keep most of my opinions to myself in the beginning. I didn't think it was going anywhere, because we were completely separate people. At the time he was all serious and I'm so old and the mountain does not bow no matter how hard the wind blows. I was like play time? Let's play! Ball, ball, who has a ball!? With the occasional serious opinion thrown in on the mutual forum the grove. I figured six months to a year and we would be done being friends.
However on my birthday of that year he did something unexpected. Or to me it was unexpected as I was pretty much counting down the time until we wouldn't talk again, assuming he would get fed up with me as so many others did. Instead for my 22nd or 23rd birthday he gave me his loyalty, for when I needed a friend and even there when I didn't think I needed a friend. Such a simple thing, but to me it was the best most powerful birthday present I had ever been given. For years I'd searched high and low, far and wide for someone who understood the code of a warrior, and the meaning of giving one your loyalty. A vow that is never given lightly and not meant for just fickleness. To me, being given loyalty was the finding of a kindred soul. I wanted to cherish it in a picture frame and refer back to it time and again as if it was the holy grail. It was pure magic in its simplest form and he had no idea the trouble it would cause him. Nor did I, because I didn't realize I was really starting to like him as more than a friend until a little while later.
Now, I may have created my own downfall in being attracted to him, but it was mostly because my friend had a horrible time saying no and I was very very good at pushing him in the right direction. I don't know if in the beginning he was ever attracted to me, or if I'd just kept slapping down the idea so much there was no option left but to choose it. He didn't recall, but there was a time when he said if I had lived closer, he might have considered dating me. Upon which I determinedly was like eh I'm a nomad and my family expects me to fall for a foreigner anyway, so I could move. I don't think it was an actual offer, just my own heart took it that way. I did try to stop it, to grab it back and squash out the flame of desire that had already been borne. I remember discussing it in the early days of our friendship. My not so useful around him, hypothetically speaking speech came into play about something with attraction and he saw right through it to me being the one attracted to him. Of which he did let me down easy and I tried to backpedal hard, but it was tough going.
Even then I thought he'd finally walk away and I wouldn't have to worry anyway, but he stayed. He literally has the patience of a saint, cause I'd have beaten myself a long time ago or ditched me if I were in his shoes. I had gotten used to the vampire house etiquette, of one person offers this about themselves and then the other person offers up something about themselves and have a lovely conversation. However, Z did not follow that etiquette. I will say he was open, but only if you can think of the right questions to ask at the time. I was terrible at thinking of questions. I always felt like I was intruding and being nosy anytime I asked a friend something. I figured it'd come up sooner or later so why try to extract it from them first?Which is about where we started having communication issues.
To be continued, Part 2 and the end to follow in the next day or so....
End of adventure
The terrible thing about blogs is having to keep up with them XD
So approaching the end of my time in Scotland and I couldn't be sadder. Finally hit me as I packed up my suitcase and rearranged my room that my time here has come to an end. For how long it took me to get here, I must say this entire visit was seriously anti-climatic. I found nothing, no answers to a memory, no possible person responsible for the longing feeling and although upon landing it felt like home, just being here feels no different than being back in America. I'm sort of left scratching my head and going um why was I so adamant about coming here again? I see no path leading forward to something else that will take such single minded focus as coming here generated. Instead I'm sort of left feeling hollow and unmotivated. I suppose then that begs the question, why so sad then? Well a part of me is hugely relieved to be getting out of here, mostly because it's a long time to go budgeting money over four or five months and I don't have to do so much math! Stupid exchange rates. However, I am sad because living off campus has created a unique situation of feeling as if I've established myself and set down roots here. As chaotic as my time here has been, it's also been a great adventure. I love waking up and being able to see either a castle or a monument erected somewhere, I'll even miss these creepy old cemeteries that are sometimes in people's back yards. I want to explore so much more and scour the landscape. So of course I'll be back most definitely. Learning the history of the land has helped too by taking social policy. Horrible that I was able to speak about the subject and retain the information, but writing the essay slayed me. Ah well, It's back stateside in six days. I sort of don't know what to do with myself. Maybe watch a few dozen movies or so. My first adventure abroad was successful and although the crowning achievement won't happen, I'll get to walk away with great pics and great memories.
So approaching the end of my time in Scotland and I couldn't be sadder. Finally hit me as I packed up my suitcase and rearranged my room that my time here has come to an end. For how long it took me to get here, I must say this entire visit was seriously anti-climatic. I found nothing, no answers to a memory, no possible person responsible for the longing feeling and although upon landing it felt like home, just being here feels no different than being back in America. I'm sort of left scratching my head and going um why was I so adamant about coming here again? I see no path leading forward to something else that will take such single minded focus as coming here generated. Instead I'm sort of left feeling hollow and unmotivated. I suppose then that begs the question, why so sad then? Well a part of me is hugely relieved to be getting out of here, mostly because it's a long time to go budgeting money over four or five months and I don't have to do so much math! Stupid exchange rates. However, I am sad because living off campus has created a unique situation of feeling as if I've established myself and set down roots here. As chaotic as my time here has been, it's also been a great adventure. I love waking up and being able to see either a castle or a monument erected somewhere, I'll even miss these creepy old cemeteries that are sometimes in people's back yards. I want to explore so much more and scour the landscape. So of course I'll be back most definitely. Learning the history of the land has helped too by taking social policy. Horrible that I was able to speak about the subject and retain the information, but writing the essay slayed me. Ah well, It's back stateside in six days. I sort of don't know what to do with myself. Maybe watch a few dozen movies or so. My first adventure abroad was successful and although the crowning achievement won't happen, I'll get to walk away with great pics and great memories.
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